I've always been lonely, as a kid I didn't play sports and Im not a girl, so I didn't fit in during primary school, so during lunch and break time for six years, I walked the perimeter of the playground and filtered gravel for white stones so that when people asked what I was doing, I pretended they were crystals and I found them really cool. I still have jars full of them. That was pretty disheartening, especially as I was pretty young, so I internalized the isolation a bit, and being lonely became normal.

Then I went to secondary school, at about age 11 I think, and it was different, I guess. I've grown my popularity but solely because people find me funny. I can't hold a proper conversation, but all day I can make people laugh, and that filled the hole a bit.

Lot of stuff happened following the first two years, developed depression, mild schizophrenia and a bunch of other stuff happened. Dad turned out to be a fat, useless, unemployed, abusive fuck and so there's no safety at home. Unfortunately because my only friends were only as close as my jokes, I never have anyone to speak to. The closest 'friend' lives an hour away, and my parents barely let me out of the house after a breakdown and breaking my hand on a wall. Long story short, big crash, existencial anxiety, started selfharm and drinking, and even now I'm stuck in a thinking cycle of denying myself any sort of help.

Won't go into too much detail, but met a girl. Much worse situation than me, all went well, she was the only thing that made me happy, visiting me once a week at the train station after school. Things went sideways and there was absolutely no closure for me, as the end was over few cryptic texts. Worried for weeks, skinned my legs by scratching myself one night in fear, fell back into deep depression.

I dont think things are going to get better this time. I haven't touched another human being in months. It was better when I had nothing to miss, god. I hate not being able to have any relation to anybody stable enough to talk to. I tried friends, family, counsellers. Nobody fucking cares, I don't expect them to. I stopped taking my meds for a bit recently, I needed to get away from the suffocating insomnia and relentless lethargy to breathe. I've seen terrible things before, it was worse when I used to browse bestgore and I heard and felt things that still terrify me and make me want to strip myself of flesh to leave it. But worse than the gore nightmares, the women's cries at 2 AM, the worst hallucination was feeling alright for a bit. I woke up with her in the corner of my room like when she used to come over, and she was sitting with her legs crossed and smiled at me. That's the most soul-crushing thing about any of it. Came back from the bathroom and remembered she's been in a psych ward for the last 3 months.

I guess thats the worst thing, remembering how she smiles and her beautiful tired blue eyes and how they lit up when she laughed.

It's been a while since it ended, too. I just want somebody to hold me again. I just want to be loved