When Matt and I met - I was done. I was ready to say "good enough". I wanted to get married and move away. So prior to getting married we started trying to hav kids - think what you want of that - I was in a bad place ad thought that would help. 

I was late starting my period. I didn't start till 15, and I quit having periods after only a short time. After a year of no periods, I went to the Dr to help. He gave me birth control as a hormone replacement. My mom did not want me on birth control and burt the first perscription. I was still on my parents insurance at the time, so they had to know or they would not authorize payment - my parents were paranoid about someone charging things to them and stealing their identity long before that was a huge thng because my dad has a common name. I had to call the Dr, explain what happened, take both my parents into teh OB and have them explain to my parents that I was not taking birth control as birthcontrol - I was taking it as hormone replacement beacise the insurance would pay for that and not more sophistocated birth control. So, when I went to college, I had regular periods as long as I took my pills. So, when Matta and I decided to have kids, I stopped taking them, and my paeriods stopped. 

From that first time going to the OB as a kid, I was told that there was little to no chance I would ever be able to have kids. After we got married, I was still not pregnant, so we started the process.... and what a process. ... long story short, it took a long time, and many medications before I got pregnant - even after I was pregnant for 8.5 months - my OB at th time was telling me I was not pregnant because of my lack of hormones. But I did finaly have babies. I hurried and had the second one being old that if I did not, my window of making hormones would close and I may never get the chance again. I got one of each - 2 amazing blessings. 

Lets talk about the time in between. I grew up in VERY rural Pa, where women are seen ad not heard, don't work, go to college, Drive, and are 100% subserviant to their husbands. I was taught very early on that my worth was in my ability to not only have children, but specificly to have boys to carry on the family name - not my family of course. Learning that my body did not work and I could not have babies - and I was faced with it - it was devistating. 

Everyone has standard small talk they go to and for young married couples it is "when are you planning to have babies." Just like or college students it is "what is your major" and for small childen it is "what do you wnat to be when you grow up."   That question, when you know you can't have kids and depirately want them, is like a hot knife through your heart. YOu can only hear it so many times before you want to scream and all you can do is hod it together to cry later. 

I found others like me, and we bonded together. We were our own support group who could talk about things together without having to hear about other people's kids and having to have our hearts broken over the simple things each day that others took for granted. IT was great. Then I ruined it. 

When I found out I was pregnant... I ruined that. These were women I bonded with on a deep level. We worked together to be ok with not being able to have kids. When I found out not only was I pregnant but I was about to pop, it was devestating to all of them. I didn't want to tell them. I saw in them the same fake smile i gave so many times to my friends expecting me to feel good about their news... and a part of me was, but more of me was disapointed it wasn't me. 

since then some of them have had children through adoption and other means, but one never has. She won't talk to me anymore. I can't blame her. I am in physical pain every day... but that pain i he haert, that is a far deeper more lasting pain that I could never heal from. i having kids, most of that went away, but I still feel for her. Missy. she has been married for 20 yaers and not being able to have kids has torn her life and personality appart. 

I remember being told that I was not Christian enough to have a baby or that G-d was telling me that I needed to get moe right with him to have kids because obviously there was a barrier or a sin in my way of G-d's blessing of children. These are also people that told me hat I got Cancer as a teen because of the sins of my family. I never believed either one, but how to do change the mindset of so any backwoods people. 

I pray for Missy sometimes. I know that lonliness, and I will never forgive myself for hurting her by having children. 

:) Susie