Hey there, sorry to hear you are struggling
we naturally crave socialization, because human beings are social creatures. So, I dont blame you for feeling the way you do, and you shouldnt either! I once felt that way and it took a very long time for me to get over myself. I learned that, the first thing you have to do is to love yousrelf first, then others can love you. Its one of the hardest things to do, but accept youself for who you are, so what if it sounds selfish. no one else is going to do it, so why not do it for yourself..
I am not going to sugar coat it. because i think its okay to be selfish, to protect yourself but not to an extreme where you totally isolate yourself (in my opinion). Anyways, Im glad you are reaching out here and hopefully you are able to find some comfort on DS! forgive yourself, let this idea of being so cautious about being hurt go because as you said, its hurting you and you end up not living at all :(

I hope you are able to find better days! and just so you know, its okay to have days alone, you can be your own best friend :) but it takes time to learn how to. warm hugs.

It makes absolute sense, I have felt that way most of my life, never fit in, people who I thought were my friends ended up stabbing me in the back, i too am friendless, even family I can't trust because I will never be who they want me to be, my family are the type to accept you when you are living the way they want you to live, and shun you when you don't. Being shunned is so humiliating I think it is below ground, it hurts so much, so if you're own family can do this to you, you feel who else out there would want me.

What happened to me is I went to church and rededicated my life to God. No I'm not trying to tell you that you need to do that, I'm just telling you what worked for me. Now I have a sense of peace beyond any other I have ever known, I lost a job for the upteenth time and just got sick of it, went to my church where they spoke to me and I just thought, I can't do this anymore, it's like I reached an all time low. 49 years old, with no job, basic 2 bedroom apt, no money, food stamps, it sux, but I have love. My daugther's and I live a humble existence, but we love one another and we have each other, and they are my hope. God has given me a reason now to be free of all that stuff that doesn't matter, I made a decision, I just don't want to live like that anymore. If it were of my making, then I can get myself out of it, but I also can't do it without God now.

Anyway, I sure hope things turn around for you, and trust me when I say I know how you feel, I've wanted to commit suicide, but when I think of my children I stop that thought, and I have cried several days in a row and I was at my lowest, I feel your pain, trust me I do.

I'm sorry and I hope things turn around. May God bless you right now and lay a healing hand on your soul. (hugs)

Thank you Lucillegem and Mendingtoday for your replys.It seems when I try to socialize it just doesnt work out for me.I have tried several churches and when I walk in I automatically feel like a speck of dirt that everyone is afraid will rub off on them.I also have issues with my family.I am always last on the list especially with my mom she has even admitted I was not born by her choice.I am the youngest and the time I was born my mom did not want anymore kids.She was content with the ones she had.Any how there is alot of hurt there but sense shes been my only parent sense I was nine I have a very intense need to be close to her and wont walk away from her.I want to pack up and start a new life but dont know where or why I would even leave.With not being close to anyone I really dont know where to go or what to do.I am single no kids just me and my dog.I truelly feel alone.Again thank you for your response.

It makes sense to me. I feel the same way.

It totally makes sense. If you are used to being hurt and used all the , that makes it hard to trust people. And it does suck being alone but still being afraid to let other people in. It's a place that probably a lot of us are stuck it. It's not an easy thing to deal with.

I was just thinking about this myself after yet another failed date where there "was just no chemistry" and feeling like I'm not good enough.

Being hurt over and over causes mistrust in people but when you're afraid to open up and let people in, they pull away. It's a cycle.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I agree it becomes a vicious cycle for me I want the closeness but fear being hurt and rejection.Its so much easier to hide my feelings when with someone face then take a chance of allowing them to know my true feelings or how they hurt me when I am being told rude things by them.My mom annoys the crap out of me always drilling in me I need to be polite and nice to everyone.I want to scream at her and no I dont but say but what about you Mom?You are one of the most rude and hateful people to me at times.I try to just ignore it and let her have her say and move on.Some times I cant let it go and have to let her know she has hurt my feelings then she makes me feel like I deserved being treated the way she treats me.I recently contacted a old friend who lives in wyoming and I have not seen in over 20 yrs I mentioned coming for a visit.My friend is excited and wants me to come visit.My mom is of course negative about me going there by myself she says its to long a drive and blah blah.If I am able to I am going to make the trip whether my mom likes it or not.Hugs to all thanks for your response.Wolf