I think most do not. They always find some way to justify their behavior.
"I'm just being protective."
"I have the right to treat her like this because I am her husband."
"I am just letting her know that what she did was wrong."

Sometimes we try to tell our abusers that they are abusive. They will deny it at first, or maybe for forever. Even when (if) they admit that the way they acted was wrong, they are speaking only of the actions themselves, not the reasons behind them. They get that calling you names is wrong, but their reasons for doing so were right in their eyes.

That is from my personal experience anyways.

I have thought about this a lot (don't we all?) and I think it isn't so different from us as victims. I mean, how many of us spent years thinking we weren't victims? We justify it too. "He didn't mean to say it like that, it just came out wrong." "She didn't mean to hurt me, she loves me, sometimes she just losses her temper" And so on.
I think the big difference is that when push comes to shove, we all see the patterns in the behaviour, but we are victims. Even as victims, and holding no blame in the situation, we often take years to accept and come to terms and heal from that.
Now switch it, and look from an abusers point of veiw. They justify their actions too. "You are just too sensative" "You have no sense of humor" "I didn't mean to hit you that hard" and so on. But then when/if they see the pattern of the behaviour, they have to also see they are to blame, they are the cause. How could you come to terms with that? I mean really, how could you look yourself in the mirror and say, I am an abuser, I hurt the people I love, and I do it over and over.
And look how hard it is for us to break out of being a victim, and again, we aren't to blame, but still, how many of us went from childhood abuse to abusive adult relationships, and most of us more then one or two? If it is this hard to stop being a victim, it is equally hard to stop being abusive, and even harder to live with yourself knowing you are.
I think some know, I think what they don't know is how to wrap their minds around it.
I also knew one abuser (of a friend) who was seriously physically abusive to her as a teenager. I knew him, I was sure if he didn't land in jail and soon, he would be a serial killer at some point. Well, he killed a guy and went to jail. And two years later, he realized what he was. He stayed in contact with my friend, and in the beginning, his letters were still abusive. Then they became falsly apologetic. And then he started writing about how he knew, he realized he was what his father was. HE hurt people, because he had been hurt. And he didn't know how to stop. He realized he couldn't, he didn't know how to be anything but abusive. And he committed suicide in jail. His gradual decline into deppression was apparent in his letters, I was not suprised he killed himself, as he had said, how do you live with knowing you have turned into the one thing you hated more then anything, how could you live with yourself knowing you hurt everyone else more then you had been hurt?

I think some know. I think that the ones who have a glimmer of what they are stuff it down and shut up that voice saying that it might be them, might be their own fault. Because how do you wrap your mind around that and not self destruct?

These posts have been so helpful for me. I am upset and disappointed that after two bouts of depression and a nervous breakdown he STILL wouldn't accept responsibility for the abusive behaviour over a 27 year period. I have accepted my part and couldn't understand why he couldn't. Thank you for posting, I have found it so helpful. X

Thanks, all of you, for helping me put this in perspective!

Country Woman - your point about realizing your patterns and being unwilling to change was especially helpful. That makes so much sense! I am human, and so is my husband, and and we both make mistakes in our relationships, but I always wondered where the "line" was between making a mistake and being an abuser. You helped draw that line for me and I really appreciate it!

Lol! Glad it helped, I have no idea if it is true, but were the positions reversed and I were an abusive person, thats how I would feel. I couldn't live with the knowledge I had done that!
That said, I think many out there are truly, blissfully ignorant to the fact that they are abusive, and are some form of sociopath/narc, and cannot comprehend that they are not behaving normally (like my ex husband) but many others just can't deal with it. Like my ex before my husband, or my mother. They both endured great trauma and abuse themselves, and will not even hear the idea that they perpetuated the cycle. Because they surely couldn't be anything like the people who abused them! Nope, not at all, couldn't even start to live with that idea.
But I think that this thought of why they can't accept/acknowledge the idea that they are makes it easier for us to let go of the ideal that they can change. Or the wondering why they don't, not matter how we try and explain it or help them.

I tend to think its individual....My most recent ex....oh he KNOWS and he doesn't care. He'll readily admit to it. Some of the others, I don't think they knew and probably still don't know.

When it comes to the ones who don't know....I see them in the same way I see an alcoholic or drug addict in the midst of their addiction.....until they hit bottom with it, they won't wake up to reality and change. They are literally going to have to lose everything they ever cared about to see the light, and still, there's no guarantee that they will. No one can convince an alcoholic to stop drinking. No one can make a drug addict see how self-destructive they are. And no one can force an abuser to realize how harmful they are being to the people they love the most. Until they become willing to recognize the problem, there's nothing that anyone can do. Interventions don't work either. They literally have to be stripped bare of everything good in their lives. And if that isn't enough to convince them, then they will die never knowing the beauty and love of life. The same thing happens to alcoholics and drug addicts....some never do wake up and they end up wasting their lives in misery, loneliness, and darkness. Its a sad, sad truth.

Jillie, thats a great comparison, and so true!

So, can we take this a step further? Because I torture myself with this thought.

What if I'm abusive and I don't know it and I'm entirely unable to admit it?

As many of you have mentioned, those who abused us were often abused themselves and will likely never be able to understand that they're perpetrating the same harm they experienced. So how do I know that I'm not denying it, too?

I've asked myself that as well on plenty of occasions.

First, we all make mistakes. Sometimes in the midst of emotionally charged situations, we lose control of ourselves and act inappropriately. It happens. How we deal with it is the key. Do you recognize that you have done something wrong? There are times you may not. That's also human. So, how do you respond when someone points out that something you've done has offended them, upset them, or hurt them somehow?? If you are willing to acknowledge and own your behavior and take appropriate action to correct your mistakes, then you're not being abusive.

Second, is there any pattern in your life that repeats involving others. Has most of your friends told you that you are mean? Have you repeatedly been accused of hurting other people's feelings?? And I mean by multiple people...people who don't necessarily know one another. If you can't find something in your life that seems to repeat and points directly AT YOU...then you're most likely not abusive.

The major difference in my opinion between a non-abusive person and an abusive person is whether or not that person is willing to evaluate their own behavior when it is brought to their attention. If you consider what someone else says (when they are not attacking you, but simply attempting to tell you how they feel and what they experienced) then you aren't being abusive....you're just being human. And we humans make mistakes. If you listen but refuse to ever consider what has been said to you, then you wouldn't be showing respect to the other person involved. Does that mean you're abusing them?? Not necessarily. Each circumstance is different. If you're being attacked and accused and blamed, then being defensive is a normal reaction. If you're just being spoken to and that person is sharing their experience and not being accusatory, then it would be (imo) inconsiderate to become defensive. When my boyfriend shares with me that I've done something inadvertently to cause him pain or upset him, he doesn't accuse me. So, when I just into defensive mode, it is a signal to me to look inside myself and figure out why. Am I acting inappropriately?? Is the conversation simply triggering a memory for me?? What can I do to change it??

So, if you're questioning yourself, that's a good sign. Abusers usually don't sit around questioning themselves. And if they do, they probably feel so crappy that they end up going out of their way to shove those thoughts aside and ignore them....rather than face the truth and own up to it. It takes a strong person to admit they are wrong. And it takes an even stronger person to not only admit to it, but be willing to do something about it.

Thanks, that helps a lot.

It's SO HARD for me to imagine how anyone can live in such denial about how they impact other people. I assume they must feel as I do. But I suppose they don't. But I just can't imagine living my life in that way. I'm so hyper sensitive about other peoples' feelings that sometimes I don't take care of myself and say what I need to say - the other end of the spectrum, I suppose.

Very much the other end of the spectrum. I think this might be why we hear the world "balance" all the time!! I've done the same thing most of my life. I'm just now practicing not doing it. I speak my mind, say what I need to say, and sometimes that is "NO."

my ex was abusive verbally and mentally to me. I let him for so long control me and my kids that without me knowing he changed his abuse he went to not sleeping with me to sexual abuse to my children we are going through the courts now its still new and he just got out on bond the problem is hes controlled me for so long that now im having problems learning to control my own life little long my kids. so im hoping in the time it takes me to learn on my self they dont go wild

Megs, I also often question whether I'm abusive or not. Jillie is totally right, abusers don't care if they're hurting others, they go about it anyway.

There are some abuser who think there is nothing wrong with it. Because thats how they were treated as kids. But it would depend on the person I think

I have seen my exH profile on a couple dating sites. It is spine tinglingly scary how he describes himself as the exact opposite of what he actually is. He HAS to know in order to make that contrast. It makes me sick.

My father is a master mechanic and yet I have always driven terrible cars that wouldn't start, or stay running or smoked like crazy and every other problem you can imagine. I was just recently ripped off to the tune of 1800 dollars by a local shop and he knows it. I aked for his help and he just shrugged it off. How could he NOT know this???

I understand this discussion, but I hate that sense of letting them off the hook for not "knowing" what they do.