Looking at my own father, who is a bully, he knows he can be abusive to my mother. But in my mind, knowing where he came from and how he was raised, he is too weak and scared to figure out how to change. It's funny I can put him in his place and make him see that his behavior is wrong and he apologizes on his own to me, but he still continues to bully my mother. So I guess I think a lot depends on the abusers pathogy and personality. Like I said in an earlier post, I find myself doing and saying things that I learned from my father (and ex's) and I am trying to change - to be more aware of others.

But then other abusers, my x's, had personality disorders and I know that they will never see that they were abusive.

How do these guys recognise us in the first place though? Ive just come out of my second abusive relationship, the first one was emotional and physical, this one emotional/mental. Also, when I think back now to the reasons he told me that he split with is ex, Im thinking he was abusive to her to. So if he is a repeat abuser, and he saw something within me that he would recognise as an opportunity for his contuing abuse - surely he must see within himself that he abuses? (is that too messed up and complicated - the words are tumbling out of my head!) I do not know the answer as to why people abuse, but Im assuming he must get some kind of satisfaction or relief from his abuse to me - like scratching an itch I suppose. We sometimes subconsciously feel an itch and scratch it, and only realise when we feel the relief of the scratch?

I'm not altogether sure there is anything specific about us that attracts them. Honestly, I've seen men and women with great self-esteem, good boundaries, and high intelligence become the victim of abuse. NO ONE is immune, in my opinion. Abuse preys upon the very natural human need for connection to others. It's written in our DNA to connect to other people....if it weren't we wouldn't have survived as a species....there's a natural inclination for us to develop interdependence with others. And interdependence requires us to trust and be vulnerable....which abusers use quite artfully against us.

my husband sees nothing wrong with verbally abusing me...i am being a baby and too sensitive, in his opinion. he is still mad at me for calling the police after last year's physical abuse. everything is my fault, according to him.

i think all abusers are bullies. so people on here should join the bullying support group as well.

i think in one of dave pelzers books he explains how his mother got away with it for so long that the more she got away with the more she did. almost like she expected intervention in the beginning and since no one stopped her or put her in jail or killed her for what she was doing, she would go it even bigger.

all abusers have mental disorders. i think that is true as well. i also think those that have meds for their disorders they are purposely NOT TAKING THE MEDS because they ENJOY the feeling of abusing.

i think abusers all have a flagrant disregard for other living things and need to be taught early on to do to themself FIRST whatever they intend to do to another. most of them are cowards as all bullies are cowards, otherwise they'd go after another the same size and weight and age as themselves. being cowards, they will say what are you crazy, i'm not doing that to me, it would hurt. hmmmmm. so then why are you doing that to another living thing?

i have no patience for bullies or abusers. i would like to see all forms of abuse capital offenses and have them all publicly executed. vengeance is the only form of closure that there is. its the only thing that frees the victim. this country focuses completely on the perpetrator and there is no focus, help or aid for the victim. morally and ethically, its like a third world country here.

"a child called "it" by dave pelzer (its a memoir. the abuse is so bad in this book that you can't put it down. i read it in an aisle in target.

"...I had enver known why my teachers finally intervened and called the police...david pondered

the teacher nervously continued: "You came to school that day....you were so small. -- you came to school that day, with, uh...no skin on your arms,"

"I remember....grayish flakes, dark grayish flakes, like patches, on my arms and ...and my fingers....Mother, she was so careful....[to hide what she did] i remember, my fingers and arms...they itched. i couldn't stop scrathcing....i was late with my chores....without skin....i couldn't grip anything....i couldn't get them done on time...it was the afternoon before Friday, she made me stick my arms in a bucket that had the mixture....ammonia and chlorox.

i always had to think ahead, i mean to survive, to outsmart her, and i remember Mother tried to force my HEAD into the bucket...I never knew what made all of you call the police that morning. So much happened to me on a given day..." page 263 A man named Dave (sequel to "a child called "it" by dave pelzer)


everyone always asks, should people with mental disorders or alcoholism or drug addiction be allowed to raise children or animals, the answer is NO. NEVER. supervised visitation at a police station at the most with camera on and i'm not even sure any living thing should have to be around crazy people at all. how about wait until the kid is 18 years old and then the kid can decide if they want to meet the nutcase "parent". giving birth doesn't make someone a parent. the title of parent is earned. ANY ANIMAL can give birth. big deal. even amongst animals there are some that are good parents and some that are negligent. interestingly i have NEVER seen an animal abuse its young. only humans and hamsters do that.

I think that's a hard one to get. I think they are so caught up in the "game" and the manipulation and being a victim. Also they are always right and make other people feel bad. My ex would always say "Don't butt heads with me" You know what he can screw himself. I am able to have and own my feelings and opinions.

i agree with 79pounds and i love dave's book helped me a lot. quite a bit of stuff he said in the books reminds me of my parents i told my therapist the difference between dave pelzer and i is he was taken away as a kid while my siblings almost got taken away, first born got taken away and was given back to my parents, and i should have been taken away. my parents manipulated the courts so bad that they just gave in not like the courts has the kids' or any abused victims' best interest that much. i finished reading his book called help yourself that is so good i was crying in the library at a table!

the mental health needs to re-educate themselves and stop telling most of the patients it didn't happen, oh your parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc and stop justifying their abusers - who side are they own? very few abusers know they are being abusive while the rest flat out don't give a shit like my parents!

this just blows my mind because i think my family are abusive and they say theyre not...they say i am horrible my brother even said i was the bully

if everyones in denial and no one knows theyre a victim or an abuser how the hell do i work out which i am?