Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Not really a problem, but I have been separated for almost 4 years, and stbx finally moved into his own place only a month ago. I feel divorced...like the worst is behind me. It's still new to our kids, tho, and most friends and family don't even know yet. Weird.
Anyway, my question is about a man friend I met a couple of months ago. We were chatting and he asked me out. I was blown away and just stammered that I wasn't ready for that. I never expected it to go there. I ran into him again yesterday, and again he wants to see me again- just a walk, nothing more. He is a bit older than me and I'm not really interested romantically (probably way too soon) but I would love to talk to him. He is funny and interesting. But I feel like I'm having an affair. He still doesn't have my # - but I did enter his in my cell phone - and he asked me to call. Do I? Or wait until the official divorce process happens?
Anyway, my question is about a man friend I met a couple of months ago. We were chatting and he asked me out. I was blown away and just stammered that I wasn't ready for that. I never expected it to go there. I ran into him again yesterday, and again he wants to see me again- just a walk, nothing more. He is a bit older than me and I'm not really interested romantically (probably way too soon) but I would love to talk to him. He is funny and interesting. But I feel like I'm having an affair. He still doesn't have my # - but I did enter his in my cell phone - and he asked me to call. Do I? Or wait until the official divorce process happens?
Best of Luck.
Being so hardwired and focused on trying to save my marriage, it was VERY HARD NOT to feel like I was cheating on her. I couldnt just flip my attitude suddenly in that direction and it takes time to move beyond that way of thinking.
Follow your heart and gut and go at your own comfortable pace...
As to your comment: " I have been made to feel like the worst person ever." ONLY YOU can make yourself "believe" that kind of crap. The only person who can "make" you feel anything negative about yourself is YOU.
And don't be so paranoid about telling this fellow that he has made you FEEL VALIDATED AS A HUMAN BEING. And I don't think you are "using" him for an ego boost, either. We all need reassurance of our goodness and if he has given you that, it's a good and commendable thing.
MONEY or the lack of it, after the dust settles from the divorce, along with the equitable division of assets, which in some states like California are a community property state, that ALL ASSETS single or joint will be split 50/50, barring any other mitigating factors such as spousal abuse, which could result in mental disorders like depression, anxiety attacks, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and so on. I dont know your situation, just throwing this out there FYI.
My ex who turned out to be the devil witch from hell on a permanent PMS day, tried her damnest to get me to vacate my own house! I found out later, that if I did abandon the homestead, that would give her more of a legal right to occupy it at least up through the end of the divorce; so you better have arrangements set up depending on your present living arrangement and the advise of your attorney. You can check your state bar association for attorneys, theyre also required to be licensed by the state in order to practice law. You can find this on the Internet.
If you havent already done so, suspend your mutual credit cards, to avoid one or the other from overcharging and then wanting to split the expense later! If youre the primary, just take his name off by calling. You can maul over an agreement later, and you want to try to keep your litigation costs down by coming to an agreement on as much as possible! Try to get an attorney who charges a set fee given the circumstances of your case. Her attorney charged by the hour, she used hers like a therapist, plus the back and forth PPO (Personal Protection Orders) that she set in motion. Her attorney costing 3x as much as my set fee one, that broke down to $250/hour and well worth it!
Regarding your male friends attentions in your direction, I dont believe in coincidences; everything happens for a reason and we dont always have to know a reason for it or why things happen the way they do. From a guys POV (point of view, Im 58), if a woman Im distinctly interested in told me I boost her ego that would be a BIG power boost to my own ego and sense of male superiority; the fact that I have this much influence upon her and she sees me as someone above the rest of the male crowd. Think about itif hes half smart hell treat and respect you for the real woman you are inside, which may include unexplored emotions/needs your previous marriage hasnt brought out. If you dont know what youre missing in the first placeuntil someone brings it out in you!
At the same time, there are players of all ages, keep things in perspective! You can be possibly attention and emotionally starved after so many years and used to surviving off breadcrumbs of affection and attention and then here comes along this guy who (fill in the blank) and dazzles you by his mere interest in you. In the meantime you have a divorce to work through and that needs to be your primary focus at this time. Hell still be there waiting and if he can act at first like a friend, than youre starting with a solid base to work from and I wish you well on your new journey of redefining yourself at this stage in your life.
~D
What an eloquent and meaningful post - full of truth and a healthy outlook on the future! Thank you! Coming from a man, this has special significance, too. Thanks!
Many people on here are able to articulate their thoughts and feelings and provide sound and helpful advice, which youll discover over time. I expected at first for DS to be just another chat room, cyber sex, dating site like the yahoo or aol groupsits a great forum for me to get help/support and to do the same for others. I have to keep my mind active and occupied and since theres no woman in my life at present to focus upon, there are no potential problems in my life to analyze and make contingency plans for. I hate surprises or being ambushed personally by others or a particular situation.
Just as a songwriter puts together and plays music in their head, before writing it down in a musical composition, so goes writing. It comes in pieces and eventually you know when youre done and covered everything. I hold myself to a higher standard. My father would bring home from work, pencils that said, If its worth doing, its worth doing right the first time.
Ive been pushed all my life by parents, teachers, including college, track coaches and of course all the military training instructors. Now that Im older, I just compete with myself. Ive had mentors along the way, whom paved the way for where I am now. Think smarter, not harder resonates from my old plant manager, when I was a bank and financial check printer. It still applies today.
When I see someone vulnerable or a potential pit fall awaiting, I have to intervene. I dont know you, but as youre crossing the street a big truck is coming right at you, but youre occupied with your own thoughts at the moment and I have to yell or flag you with arm/hand signals to Stop, Look & Listen, just like the old RR signs of our younger days.
I gave up on organized religion a long time ago, but still in tune with my spiritual side and the inspirations and signs are easy to follow. In my situation, Im so used to working on making things happen, which doesnt work well in the area of relationships and inherently I know I need to just let things happen in this case! Shes out there somewhere and in some time Ill meet her OR realize shes always been there in my life, but I couldnt see it!
~D