Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
It is 4:00 in the morning and I have been sitting in front of this laptop since 2:30 reading posts and replies. I find lots of little pieces of me in all of you. I have posted replies to some of you but I have never really "introduced" myself so here goes. I am in my mid fifties, female with 4 daughters. My parents are gone, no close siblings and my girls all have lives of their own. I moved out of 30 years of marriage last August.
My relationship with my husband was never fulfilling. For years I kept thinking this can't be all there is, why can't I be happy, what's wrong with me. I went on anti-depressants and was on them for about 15 years. Those are years I will not be getting back and it makes me sick to think I did that to myself in order to cope with the way things were. He kept us isolated and even when he was at home he would have very little interaction with us. I always blamed myself for the way things were but the truth is he made no effort to meet any of my needs.
About two years ago I decided to move out. I was gone for a few months and we communicated and thought maybe we could work things out now that we were in couples therapy and things were out in the open. When I totaled my car he was eager to have me move back in the house and we would share his car while I saved to buy myself a new one. Once I moved back in nothing went right. I was there month or so when I realized things were not going forward so I decided to look at apartments. I found two but one would not be available for another month so I said I would take the first one. On the day I was supposed to sign the lease he cried like a baby. I stayed again and again, nothing in the relationship improved. He knew I still had the option on the second apartment and did absolutely nothing to improve our relationship so I did end up moving out.
I know I need to move forward in some other way than just getting by. Like I said, I have no close family, was not allowed friends and I am at a loss as to how to move forward alone. So i sit here in the middle of the night and share my "alone-ness I am alone, by myself. I am my own best friend and also my own worst enemy. Sometimes if I let it sweep over me I feel like I'm dropping in to a black hole. I work and come home to my apartment and I am alone. I shop alone. I walk alone. I work out (on rare occasions) alone. At work, I am alone. I know in my mind I can't go back but my heart is just so damn alone. And I am so afraid to do the whole meet up thing. And I feel totally lost here.
My relationship with my husband was never fulfilling. For years I kept thinking this can't be all there is, why can't I be happy, what's wrong with me. I went on anti-depressants and was on them for about 15 years. Those are years I will not be getting back and it makes me sick to think I did that to myself in order to cope with the way things were. He kept us isolated and even when he was at home he would have very little interaction with us. I always blamed myself for the way things were but the truth is he made no effort to meet any of my needs.
About two years ago I decided to move out. I was gone for a few months and we communicated and thought maybe we could work things out now that we were in couples therapy and things were out in the open. When I totaled my car he was eager to have me move back in the house and we would share his car while I saved to buy myself a new one. Once I moved back in nothing went right. I was there month or so when I realized things were not going forward so I decided to look at apartments. I found two but one would not be available for another month so I said I would take the first one. On the day I was supposed to sign the lease he cried like a baby. I stayed again and again, nothing in the relationship improved. He knew I still had the option on the second apartment and did absolutely nothing to improve our relationship so I did end up moving out.
I know I need to move forward in some other way than just getting by. Like I said, I have no close family, was not allowed friends and I am at a loss as to how to move forward alone. So i sit here in the middle of the night and share my "alone-ness I am alone, by myself. I am my own best friend and also my own worst enemy. Sometimes if I let it sweep over me I feel like I'm dropping in to a black hole. I work and come home to my apartment and I am alone. I shop alone. I walk alone. I work out (on rare occasions) alone. At work, I am alone. I know in my mind I can't go back but my heart is just so damn alone. And I am so afraid to do the whole meet up thing. And I feel totally lost here.
I'm sorry this is your situation too. I wish I had answers, but it's hard to meet people at 43 when you now have to move into an apt, with transient people. I'm not from the area and most here are not friendly. Just the way city life is. :'(
I do hear you on the living in an apt at 43 with just your kid/kids- that's basically me in a nutshell. It's an adjustment, that's for sure.
One thing I've learned after a long-term marriage is you have to learn how to be single again. In our long term marriages we spent all our time with our spouses--we forgot how to make friends and do things for us. It takes time.
The first summer of my separation, I thought I'd never make it. I lived in a town with no friends and kicked my lying, cheating ex to the curb. I teach so I knew I had a long summer ahead. I decided to volunteer at the local hospital and library. It was great! It got me out of the house. I also joined a local singles group at a church. Yes, it was difficult to go to these things--I'm kind of introverted, but I would just tell myself, "Go, and if you don't like it you don't have to go back." What I found was my fears about not being accepted were so dumb---I met so many people and had good times.
You can do this. Get out there.
Sending hugs of courage!
Don't let this one experience keep you from getting out there. Remember, it takes time to rebuild your life as a single person.
Sending hugs of strength.