Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
It is 4:00 in the morning and I have been sitting in front of this laptop since 2:30 reading posts and replies. I find lots of little pieces of me in all of you. I have posted replies to some of you but I have never really "introduced" myself so here goes. I am in my mid fifties, female with 4 daughters. My parents are gone, no close siblings and my girls all have lives of their own. I moved out of 30 years of marriage last August.
My relationship with my husband was never fulfilling. For years I kept thinking this can't be all there is, why can't I be happy, what's wrong with me. I went on anti-depressants and was on them for about 15 years. Those are years I will not be getting back and it makes me sick to think I did that to myself in order to cope with the way things were. He kept us isolated and even when he was at home he would have very little interaction with us. I always blamed myself for the way things were but the truth is he made no effort to meet any of my needs.
About two years ago I decided to move out. I was gone for a few months and we communicated and thought maybe we could work things out now that we were in couples therapy and things were out in the open. When I totaled my car he was eager to have me move back in the house and we would share his car while I saved to buy myself a new one. Once I moved back in nothing went right. I was there month or so when I realized things were not going forward so I decided to look at apartments. I found two but one would not be available for another month so I said I would take the first one. On the day I was supposed to sign the lease he cried like a baby. I stayed again and again, nothing in the relationship improved. He knew I still had the option on the second apartment and did absolutely nothing to improve our relationship so I did end up moving out.
I know I need to move forward in some other way than just getting by. Like I said, I have no close family, was not allowed friends and I am at a loss as to how to move forward alone. So i sit here in the middle of the night and share my "alone-ness I am alone, by myself. I am my own best friend and also my own worst enemy. Sometimes if I let it sweep over me I feel like I'm dropping in to a black hole. I work and come home to my apartment and I am alone. I shop alone. I walk alone. I work out (on rare occasions) alone. At work, I am alone. I know in my mind I can't go back but my heart is just so damn alone. And I am so afraid to do the whole meet up thing. And I feel totally lost here.
My relationship with my husband was never fulfilling. For years I kept thinking this can't be all there is, why can't I be happy, what's wrong with me. I went on anti-depressants and was on them for about 15 years. Those are years I will not be getting back and it makes me sick to think I did that to myself in order to cope with the way things were. He kept us isolated and even when he was at home he would have very little interaction with us. I always blamed myself for the way things were but the truth is he made no effort to meet any of my needs.
About two years ago I decided to move out. I was gone for a few months and we communicated and thought maybe we could work things out now that we were in couples therapy and things were out in the open. When I totaled my car he was eager to have me move back in the house and we would share his car while I saved to buy myself a new one. Once I moved back in nothing went right. I was there month or so when I realized things were not going forward so I decided to look at apartments. I found two but one would not be available for another month so I said I would take the first one. On the day I was supposed to sign the lease he cried like a baby. I stayed again and again, nothing in the relationship improved. He knew I still had the option on the second apartment and did absolutely nothing to improve our relationship so I did end up moving out.
I know I need to move forward in some other way than just getting by. Like I said, I have no close family, was not allowed friends and I am at a loss as to how to move forward alone. So i sit here in the middle of the night and share my "alone-ness I am alone, by myself. I am my own best friend and also my own worst enemy. Sometimes if I let it sweep over me I feel like I'm dropping in to a black hole. I work and come home to my apartment and I am alone. I shop alone. I walk alone. I work out (on rare occasions) alone. At work, I am alone. I know in my mind I can't go back but my heart is just so damn alone. And I am so afraid to do the whole meet up thing. And I feel totally lost here.
Before you go make a list of all your assets: your strong, loyal, hard worker, etc..., to put you in a positive thinking mode. Brush up on current events or read a latest bestseller so you have some small talk options. Then, put on something that you feel good in so you're comfortable and confident. Lastly, SMILE even if you don't feel like smiling on the inside, it will help you open doors you didn't think you could get through.
If you haven't found it, join us on the Divorce After Twenty Years group there are a lot of supportive DS members there that have been in similar situations. You're not alone! Hugs!
Also, Movin is right in that you are much stronger than you think. Leaving takes true courage and you practically did it alone. You're very strong.big hugs.
Find a distraction and something of interest to focus on.
And try to start a routine. Something you do before you get home from work, something you do right when you get home, something planned at 7pm, something you do right before bed.
But I've always been alone even when I was in school. I was alone in my family. I work alone, I go everywhere alone. I'm used to it and think it's normal most of the time.
I live on a 34 acre farm in the boonies and I only have help a few hours once a week. There are no meet up groups near me. At the end of the day I don't have the time or the energy to drive two hours round trip. I've been divorced over four years now and mine was a 33 year marriage by the time I finally received my divorce. Life is good and I'm working hard for a future even if it is alone. I was lonely in my marriage but now while I'm alone I don't consider myself lonely.
When you have lived like that you have a strength you don't know you have. When you get over this you will make a good life for yourself.
Anyway...I am going to a Vegetarian meetup. Jack Norris will be speaking. He is the president of the Vegan Outreach. I am not vegan but I do not eat meat. I am just too sensitive to know something had to die in order for me to live (by eating it) so I can go without. Besides, There are a million other things to eat. If I take away 3 items, beef, poultry and pork I still have a million minus 3! So far 57 people have signed up. Yikes, I'm really nervous to be stepping out of my comfort zone and going alone but hey, surely someone else will be alone too, right! I won't even be noticed!
I like to hike too. I live in Indianapolis and they are going nuts right now with bike trails and green spaces. It's about time!!! Those meetups are a bit smaller though. Vanillabean, did you join by yourself? Have you gone to any meetups? Did you have to have any special equipment?
Thanks a lot for your comments and support here. I can't tell you all how much I look forward to checking this site for replies and comments.
I find myself alone for the 1st time EVER. It's VERY foreign to me- I wish I could "do" it better!
When is your Vegetarian meetup? I was Vegan for 2 months- very difficult to do where I live. I'm not Vegetarian, but I rarely eat meat. I agree- lots of other great things to eat!
The ex didn't socialize with anyone from work and I was a stay at home mom because we moved about every three years. He picked where we lived because of the horses. Always out in the sticks with no friendly neighbors around.
This has made us tough, adaptable and we've learned to get things done. At least I have and I think that's true for you too.
Go to your meet up groups. Don't be scared or nervous. Everyone has had to make that first step to join. They sound like fun. I would but there aren't any locally and I can't take several hours from my day to drive so far away. I don't think that would solve the problem of making friends. They need to be local.
Trisha- have you looked into starting your own Meetup? And seeing if anyone local replies?