Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
I just wanted to give some hope to people who are in the darkest part of either leaving or dealing with the grief after their marriage is over.
I never believed anyone when they said "it gets better." It felt like "aren't they lucky" and "that will never be me."
So I just wanted to write this, because I know some of you are in a dark place, where I was 9 months ago, where everything was so horrible. I know that feeling of not being able to think straight, crying in public, or having panic attacks, doing things that "aren't like you" and feeling like you've lost your whole life -- not wanting to get up in the morning and sleeping all day, worrying about every detail of your survival on "your own" and fearing for the worst -- it's just horrible isn't it? And the world is just going on as normal for others, while you stand empty-handed, stunned. And watch your entire world crumble and feel you have nothing left -- that's how I felt anyway.
Of course, all of our situations are different, but I have been very relieved that things have gotten a LOT better.
I'm actually starting to become happy, I'm stronger then I've ever been. I never realized how much I over-relied on my ex (or other people) before, and now I feel a new sense of freedom and strength in my self, which makes me feel more solid. Oddly, that solid feeling brings me closer to others.
*I was surprised that my ex didn't fight me about the divorce/we didn't end up arguing over little things
*He gave me a bit of money (not much, but I guess the sentiment was nice, since he didn't have to give me anything). He also bought me a small gift I asked for as a "parting gift" -- a bit odd of me to ask for I guess, but somehow I wanted something for closure. It gave me closure.
*I was able to find a new apartment, get movers, decorate it, meet a couple new friends, date (I was surprised to have many guys be interested, since I felt old),
*While terrible at the time, learning to grieve made me realize that I can now (eventually) get through anything. That is a comforting thought.
*It forced me to work on myself, and that was the best gift ever.
*Now I'm happy for the happy times I had, I've cried for the bad times, and I'm somehow grateful for it ALL -- I truly never thought I'd feel that way 9 months ago.
*I improved my fashion sense, got a better haircut, and lost about 10-15 pounds. I even have a personal trainer now, which I never had before. I discovered this "shellac" manicure which is great.
*I find I've shifted to thinking about myself more, and my confidence is much higher than it's ever been -- it's easier for me to be honest with people/ask for what I want/say "no" to people, etc.
*I've been dating someone (who is cute!) but he's not "the one," yet he is very interested in me, and I realize now I actually have a lot of options of people to date, and I'm no longer concerned about finding "the right one" ASAP -- I feel a sense of time now...like there's plenty of time to find him (even though I'm older! Strange but true).
*I enjoy small things, even doing the dishes slowly and just thinking. I can do my tasks now without running all around like a mess.
So I just wanted to put this out there. No, not everything single thing is perfect or fantastic yet, but it will be -- and I truly feel content and happy in the meantime.
I just wanted to share that...so perhaps someone in that dark place where I used to be will read this, and know that's not the ending point, but a starting point towards something much nicer.
I never believed anyone when they said "it gets better." It felt like "aren't they lucky" and "that will never be me."
So I just wanted to write this, because I know some of you are in a dark place, where I was 9 months ago, where everything was so horrible. I know that feeling of not being able to think straight, crying in public, or having panic attacks, doing things that "aren't like you" and feeling like you've lost your whole life -- not wanting to get up in the morning and sleeping all day, worrying about every detail of your survival on "your own" and fearing for the worst -- it's just horrible isn't it? And the world is just going on as normal for others, while you stand empty-handed, stunned. And watch your entire world crumble and feel you have nothing left -- that's how I felt anyway.
Of course, all of our situations are different, but I have been very relieved that things have gotten a LOT better.
I'm actually starting to become happy, I'm stronger then I've ever been. I never realized how much I over-relied on my ex (or other people) before, and now I feel a new sense of freedom and strength in my self, which makes me feel more solid. Oddly, that solid feeling brings me closer to others.
*I was surprised that my ex didn't fight me about the divorce/we didn't end up arguing over little things
*He gave me a bit of money (not much, but I guess the sentiment was nice, since he didn't have to give me anything). He also bought me a small gift I asked for as a "parting gift" -- a bit odd of me to ask for I guess, but somehow I wanted something for closure. It gave me closure.
*I was able to find a new apartment, get movers, decorate it, meet a couple new friends, date (I was surprised to have many guys be interested, since I felt old),
*While terrible at the time, learning to grieve made me realize that I can now (eventually) get through anything. That is a comforting thought.
*It forced me to work on myself, and that was the best gift ever.
*Now I'm happy for the happy times I had, I've cried for the bad times, and I'm somehow grateful for it ALL -- I truly never thought I'd feel that way 9 months ago.
*I improved my fashion sense, got a better haircut, and lost about 10-15 pounds. I even have a personal trainer now, which I never had before. I discovered this "shellac" manicure which is great.
*I find I've shifted to thinking about myself more, and my confidence is much higher than it's ever been -- it's easier for me to be honest with people/ask for what I want/say "no" to people, etc.
*I've been dating someone (who is cute!) but he's not "the one," yet he is very interested in me, and I realize now I actually have a lot of options of people to date, and I'm no longer concerned about finding "the right one" ASAP -- I feel a sense of time now...like there's plenty of time to find him (even though I'm older! Strange but true).
*I enjoy small things, even doing the dishes slowly and just thinking. I can do my tasks now without running all around like a mess.
So I just wanted to put this out there. No, not everything single thing is perfect or fantastic yet, but it will be -- and I truly feel content and happy in the meantime.
I just wanted to share that...so perhaps someone in that dark place where I used to be will read this, and know that's not the ending point, but a starting point towards something much nicer.
I enjoyed reading your post. I like the idea of how the other side is a happier place. I look forward to that day.
As I have said to myself many times in the past 2 months, "Bad things happen to good people. But it doesn't have to define WHO YOU ARE. Its my choice!"
Thanks again!
The pain has made me better, deeper, stronger, and happier. Yes, the pain, has made me happier.
I'm still sad sometimes, but it's different now. It's manageable. I feel more human now.
I understand what it is to be alive in a way I never did before. It's easier to connect with people. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I almost have a 6 pack -- for the first time in my life. My work is getting better every day. Friends are just coming into my life from out of no where. Ex boyfriends from years ago are contacting me and apologizing...2 of them this week. From over 7 years ago. Odd! But great.
I'm aware of flags now -- I just broke this off with someone I dated for a month, who raised a big flag. I never had the strength to do that before. I always felt needy and alone before. Not anymore!!
So I want to say to those of you having trouble taking out the trash or whatever it is. Just do the ESSENTIALS for the day. We can all do that. Survive. Don't turn to alcohol or drugs or things like that, because you are strong enough to get through without...even if you don't feel you are. You are.
Take responsibility for your survival -- in every aspect. You can do it.
Something that got me through was this book called "inner bonding." It taught me how to listen to myself, when there was no one else to listen.
This sad, sad experience has given me a happiness and a strength I never had before. It's something I would never give up.
And now, no matter who I date now, and I'm now flooded w/ people who want to date me (2 dates today, both nice and cute guys), I will NEVER give that strength up again. I don't particularly care when I end up married again, because I no longer NEED to be married (I know I will be, when I want to be, but it's my choice). It's the happiest and freest feeling. I didn't know it was possible.
I never believed people who wrote posts like this. They seemed like aliens. I had forgotten what happiness felt like. So I understand if you don't believe me.
But every one of you will get there. If you can only survive. Pay your pills, take out your trash. Take care of your health -- exercise if at all possible. It helped me more than anything - -weights in particular. Lift them. I leg pressed 198 pounds the other day w/ legs, and lifted 40 w/ my arms -- 3 weeks ago I couldn't lift 10 pounds.
We can all do things we don't feel capable of. You can surprise yourself. I did.
Eat some food. Tell yourself nice things. And trust me, you will all be okay.
When you survive -- and that's all you need to do, just survive -- you will eventually notice one day that you are no longer miserable.
(And this is from someone who used to burst into tears every time I walked into the lawyer's office, and had panic attacks in the elevators, and sat in my closet and cried for up to 7 hours at a time. I cried in bars accidentally and ).
It will be okay.
The thought that I might not ever find someone to love and someone who loves me again in my life is a depressing and terrifying thought.
But I guess that's out of my control. If I am meant to find someone else, it will happen. In the meantime, I'll spend more time taking care of myself. That's all I can do right now.
I was surprised to find hundreds of available people out there. Yes hundreds. Yes some were weird, but many were totally normal.
Of course you need to weed through them to find the right ones. But there is no rush, and you can enjoy yourself in the meantime.
When you look around you see people of all different ages and types who are coupled up...really look at these people! They are not models or all teenagers...they are real people of all sorts of ages and looks, many are overweight or just naturally not all that attractive and they are in love and coupled, regardless.
If you try at all, eventually you will end up in a relationship. It's hard to avoid! Of course, finding the RIGHT person is key, which is why it's great to be able to get a do-over to find someone who you're happy with, and not suffering with.
For me, It's been errr just over fifteen months since I got 'the letter' out of the blue after 35 years.
Several things happened which make my life totally different;
I recovered from the immediate nervous breakdown (without drugs)
I met someone who is as mad as me and we went on a cruise (chilled out to the max)
I took vol redundancy, bought myself some decent hearing aids (yay), a decent car and nervously started my own business in contracting.
I spent so much time in church, I got baptised.
I moved in with my partner and have "us" time.
The biggest personal thing was to STOP beating myself up trying to work it all out... THAT, my friends, is futile and a waste of your life, although it is all consuming grrrr
I used to get annoyed with the "when one door closes...." comments - often from people who have never experienced anything, but First you have to check your physical state - are you anaemic from weight loss? (coz those headaches go next day with one a day zinc tablet), Eat high protein foods like fish, take multi-vitamins and just do something that you enjoyfor your mental wellbeing/therapy... I used to light a candle and play blues on my guitar - every note wrenched from my heart... no kidding, I was freakin awesome!
The tears WILL stop - it actually comes a suprise when you feel that invisible knife, twist in your stomach... expecting the tears, but apart from a slight welling... NADA! (What a relief THAT is)
Say "Stuff you" and shake it off! (put that demon finally to rest)
After a lifetime with someone, it seems every memory you have is with them but NOPE! Pre marriage recall became important and chats with family of those years was lovely.
Also, I soon had more happy memories in a few months with my gf, than I had with my wife for years - mainly because you both make the effort to do just that.
YOU are NOT the problem.... The cheat carries one truckload of baggage and it will come back n bite them in the arse - Life is giving YOU the OPPORTUNITY to start again, so be gratefull and find yourself - maybe even for the first time and kick ass!!!
:-)
Love to all you guys n gals