Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
I just wanted to give some hope to people who are in the darkest part of either leaving or dealing with the grief after their marriage is over.
I never believed anyone when they said "it gets better." It felt like "aren't they lucky" and "that will never be me."
So I just wanted to write this, because I know some of you are in a dark place, where I was 9 months ago, where everything was so horrible. I know that feeling of not being able to think straight, crying in public, or having panic attacks, doing things that "aren't like you" and feeling like you've lost your whole life -- not wanting to get up in the morning and sleeping all day, worrying about every detail of your survival on "your own" and fearing for the worst -- it's just horrible isn't it? And the world is just going on as normal for others, while you stand empty-handed, stunned. And watch your entire world crumble and feel you have nothing left -- that's how I felt anyway.
Of course, all of our situations are different, but I have been very relieved that things have gotten a LOT better.
I'm actually starting to become happy, I'm stronger then I've ever been. I never realized how much I over-relied on my ex (or other people) before, and now I feel a new sense of freedom and strength in my self, which makes me feel more solid. Oddly, that solid feeling brings me closer to others.
*I was surprised that my ex didn't fight me about the divorce/we didn't end up arguing over little things
*He gave me a bit of money (not much, but I guess the sentiment was nice, since he didn't have to give me anything). He also bought me a small gift I asked for as a "parting gift" -- a bit odd of me to ask for I guess, but somehow I wanted something for closure. It gave me closure.
*I was able to find a new apartment, get movers, decorate it, meet a couple new friends, date (I was surprised to have many guys be interested, since I felt old),
*While terrible at the time, learning to grieve made me realize that I can now (eventually) get through anything. That is a comforting thought.
*It forced me to work on myself, and that was the best gift ever.
*Now I'm happy for the happy times I had, I've cried for the bad times, and I'm somehow grateful for it ALL -- I truly never thought I'd feel that way 9 months ago.
*I improved my fashion sense, got a better haircut, and lost about 10-15 pounds. I even have a personal trainer now, which I never had before. I discovered this "shellac" manicure which is great.
*I find I've shifted to thinking about myself more, and my confidence is much higher than it's ever been -- it's easier for me to be honest with people/ask for what I want/say "no" to people, etc.
*I've been dating someone (who is cute!) but he's not "the one," yet he is very interested in me, and I realize now I actually have a lot of options of people to date, and I'm no longer concerned about finding "the right one" ASAP -- I feel a sense of time now...like there's plenty of time to find him (even though I'm older! Strange but true).
*I enjoy small things, even doing the dishes slowly and just thinking. I can do my tasks now without running all around like a mess.
So I just wanted to put this out there. No, not everything single thing is perfect or fantastic yet, but it will be -- and I truly feel content and happy in the meantime.
I just wanted to share that...so perhaps someone in that dark place where I used to be will read this, and know that's not the ending point, but a starting point towards something much nicer.
I never believed anyone when they said "it gets better." It felt like "aren't they lucky" and "that will never be me."
So I just wanted to write this, because I know some of you are in a dark place, where I was 9 months ago, where everything was so horrible. I know that feeling of not being able to think straight, crying in public, or having panic attacks, doing things that "aren't like you" and feeling like you've lost your whole life -- not wanting to get up in the morning and sleeping all day, worrying about every detail of your survival on "your own" and fearing for the worst -- it's just horrible isn't it? And the world is just going on as normal for others, while you stand empty-handed, stunned. And watch your entire world crumble and feel you have nothing left -- that's how I felt anyway.
Of course, all of our situations are different, but I have been very relieved that things have gotten a LOT better.
I'm actually starting to become happy, I'm stronger then I've ever been. I never realized how much I over-relied on my ex (or other people) before, and now I feel a new sense of freedom and strength in my self, which makes me feel more solid. Oddly, that solid feeling brings me closer to others.
*I was surprised that my ex didn't fight me about the divorce/we didn't end up arguing over little things
*He gave me a bit of money (not much, but I guess the sentiment was nice, since he didn't have to give me anything). He also bought me a small gift I asked for as a "parting gift" -- a bit odd of me to ask for I guess, but somehow I wanted something for closure. It gave me closure.
*I was able to find a new apartment, get movers, decorate it, meet a couple new friends, date (I was surprised to have many guys be interested, since I felt old),
*While terrible at the time, learning to grieve made me realize that I can now (eventually) get through anything. That is a comforting thought.
*It forced me to work on myself, and that was the best gift ever.
*Now I'm happy for the happy times I had, I've cried for the bad times, and I'm somehow grateful for it ALL -- I truly never thought I'd feel that way 9 months ago.
*I improved my fashion sense, got a better haircut, and lost about 10-15 pounds. I even have a personal trainer now, which I never had before. I discovered this "shellac" manicure which is great.
*I find I've shifted to thinking about myself more, and my confidence is much higher than it's ever been -- it's easier for me to be honest with people/ask for what I want/say "no" to people, etc.
*I've been dating someone (who is cute!) but he's not "the one," yet he is very interested in me, and I realize now I actually have a lot of options of people to date, and I'm no longer concerned about finding "the right one" ASAP -- I feel a sense of time now...like there's plenty of time to find him (even though I'm older! Strange but true).
*I enjoy small things, even doing the dishes slowly and just thinking. I can do my tasks now without running all around like a mess.
So I just wanted to put this out there. No, not everything single thing is perfect or fantastic yet, but it will be -- and I truly feel content and happy in the meantime.
I just wanted to share that...so perhaps someone in that dark place where I used to be will read this, and know that's not the ending point, but a starting point towards something much nicer.
I now have a different perspective than I did a few months ago, I am happy ish now not quite happy but getting close
I did not believe that I would ever be alive again, I was so depressed never getting out of bed, I cried so much I couldn't open my eyes. I begged and pleaded for my life to end. I did not want to live without my family being intact.
But 9 months later I am alive and I am at peace now with what has happened. My pianos getting less and the tears are farther apart.
Hugs!
I'm seriously happier than I've ever been. Still single, still a bit broke, but actually happy. And I notice now I'm starting to do better at work, while I know will lead to more money. And I'm getting more interest from guys than ever -- at my oldest point!
So don't give up. Focus on yourself, and use that time without your kids to strengthen and build yourself and HEAL. situations change. You won't feel this way forever.
But feel it for now. and if all all possibly, please exercise. I didn't do that and I ended up with panic attacks...Now that I'm exercising they're going away though.
The drinking has to stop, I know that. right now, if I go one night without drinking, i count the victory. any chore done, yeah victory. It's rough, because when the kids come over, they tell me "Dad, your place stinks and is always a mess!". I hate those words. :(
I need to get a hold of myself! This learning to live again is killing me.
I am still trying to process my grief over my loss and I am not even close to done yet. I flipflop from thinking about the pain and the loss and the anger I have towards my wife for doing this to me to the other side.. the thought of finally living MY life the way I want to live it. The idea that I get to define the relationship that I have with my kids, not her. I get to do all the things I wanted to do, but had given up on because I was giving all of myself to someone who didn't want it.
As I read somewhere, sometimes the only way to get over something is to go through it. Its painful and it sucks, but once you are through it, you'll be on the other side. And I don't know about you, but my vision of that side is a happier life.
Hang in there, you're worth it!