Mmmmm. I think the timing element depends on individual circumstances and outlook. It was important to me to take an element of control and not have things just "done to me". Who wants to be engineless in the sea? you just get tossed and bashed about.

What is working for me is doing what I think I should be doing in chunked stages (even if I dont alwys feel like it) -

first custody (check) then
divorce (check) then
financial separation (check) then
business health and company accounts (in progress) then
getting fit and concentrating a bit on me (not started).

I think you need to get used to giving yourself a lot of self- congratulation to keep motivated on doing the work. Sometimes I just tell my little boy to say well done mummy. Last week I was probably the only female driver in a huge group of family cars on a ferry . I was pretty terrified at driving the other side of the road for a week and getting on and off the boat but I managed it. The more I do on my own, the better I feel about it being the state that I am in.

There are a lot of things that I miss about being in a good relationship, but more and more I realise there are other things about being single which are nice too. so in my case I think I am almost there and would say 2 years just about did it

I really like HappyFish's reply; there is a lot of good stuff in there. The idea of going through the painful, but required steps is a key insight. There is a lot of stuff to untangle and until it is untangled, it's pretty hard to "move on". After it is all untangled, one then needs some time to digest it all. Yes, this is all quite variable. From all the anecdotal stuff I've read, plus my own experience, I think two years is a good guesstimate of the minimum. I believe it can easily be longer and that it is common to get stuck in certain phases.

The best thing to do is keep moving forward. If you get stuck someplace, figure out why you are stuck there and how to get out of it.

as a guy recently divorced(early july)--and out of the house late may---come to las vegas the divorce took about a week from filing haha---.my story:17 yrs together,lived about 13,married just over 11 with a 2 month separation in '06 to boot.she had a daughter that I helped raise to the best of my ability,and we have an 8 yr old daughter.anyhow,I actually thought our marriage was at one of our stronger points(I was wrong),she had found a more spiritual/reiki/buddhist relifing in the last 8 or so yrs and I never thought it would split us...I was resistent to her when she seemed to go full bore into this stuff and in thde end I was right.I thought marriage was an up and down thing that everyone went through,she had tired of me being the same old fashioned guy.now mind you I gave up jobs for (one was as a policeman) and relocated to vegas --"we have to be there" my ex said a few 4 years ago.not even 3 yrs here,she was "done trying" "loved me"but "wasnt in love"...no heavy drinking,no drugs,no beatings --I didnt cheat and Im about 95% sure she didnt,she wanted to "be free" to go to reiki meeting,volunteer at pet store and possiibly hospices----all noble ideas but oh well....now Im a guy who worked 55-60 hrs/a week made dinner 2-4 times a week(with the usual complaints of"you made too many dishes"or"cant we use paper plates") I did the laundry at least 50%of the time(with complaints of "why didnt you put them away"--mind you,I did the other parts"oh well).she worked ,so I cant complain.We did a joint divorce and I get my daughter(whos been awesome through this) everyweekday from afterschool til 645pm and every other weekend.The first few days alone were the worst of my life,My sister and mom have been awesome pointing out the stuff I missed,my aunt,cousin and good friends also provided surprising ly honest feedback that seemed genuine,very uplifting .when I was separated in '06my mom and sis told me to make my decision and theyde back me.when I called after the break crying they then told me to get my head out of my a@%.Again my sis and mom have been there when I was having the ups and downs craziness of the first few weeks and Ive upgraded from screaming on the phone to talking more calmly to now mellower emails.What gets me is Ive read 2 books(1 on divorcing w/dignity and 1 about exes)and tried to read any self help divorce related blogs sites,etc..self help stuff that I was only mildly comfortable with.My ex was claiming to be new agey(maybe she is,I dont know)..that gets me mad because part of my healing almost seems to be done on my exes turf(self-help,feelings type stuff..etc.) but I feel as if Im doing much better last 2-3 weeks and I get sad when I see the length that some say it takes to heal.Im not expecting to be perfect but I hope to feel better in about 6 monthes.Another note,I consider myself"ok"as I am allowing myself to feel things,Ive been working out 5-6 days a week(bike) and have lost about 20-25 lbs since Ive left---totally cut out regular soda and fast/junkfood.----Ive changed my diet and it makes me feel mentally and physically better.Lastly Ive joined a meetup group(raquetball) and a singles group--a 40 + group but I swear they all look 50+....where Ive actually socialized with the opposite sex...so Im feeling better.I suppose it helps I was a cop for 7 1/2 yrs and now I drive a cab---jobs where you have to talk to strangers....last thing and I mean this as maturely as possible,the thing aggravating me the most right now and the thing Id like feedback on--why am I mastubating so much and why is alot of it with images of the ex?good luck to all

part 2---thats the weird thing--I was never cut off from sex,and Im pretty sure her body was enjoying it,as she let me know when I missed ...and lastly,over the last 2+yrs..we made it to disneyland,san diego,LA,sedona...not exactly boredom...

Tossedaside ~

Those who have contributed have given wonderful thoughts and wisdom from experience:) This is what I would say too, it really is all experience of "well done" and "what the hell did I just do?" A wide spectrum. A time frame, from my perspective, doesn't exist. I have been divorced since 2007, after 17 yrs of marriage, and here I am, trying to connect for support.

I have made my proud moments: raised our children, kept the home for them, worked hard and returned to school for my masters. I also, live healthier and like myself again. But then, something can trigger and you wonder 'am I enough?' How did this happen? All those awful things we tell ourselves.

I would say you become ambivalent - it is passed the point of wanting your partner back or caring what he or she is doing. But maybe defining who you are as person and moving forward (whatever that may be for each person).

I, 95% of the time am happy and content, and a memory still shakes me. I am worse around holidays and getting over the fact I will never have that 50th wedding anniversary. I am 42 - its not going to ever happen:) And certain things have yet to be forgiven.

You are strong, keep going...........

Tossed, I dont think anyone can put a time frame on healing. It takes what it takes, it is a process. Process the emotions, even as uncomfortable as they are at times and keep on going. It does get easier and the pain lifts. I promise. Ups and downs, the rollercoaster ride, it makes you stronger with each twist and turn. Honor your feelings as they surface. So many times it feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but the terrain becomes less rocky with each step. Enjoy the transformation. I know that sounds ridiculous and maybe even impossible at times but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep reaching for it..the path will continue to become illuminated. Hugs!

thank you to all that have responded, the divorce was final in March, though we have been separated since August of 2007.
Seems a lot of time has come and gone, healing and rehealing, becoming more of what I wish to be, yet the clock is ticking, i will remain diligent

Be gentle with yourself Tossed. I was separated and divorced for 4 years before i was healed up. Dont let my 4 yr time scare you though, Im like the pokey little puppy and so ok with that. :) Remember that there is no time in space..even Einstein says so :)

I agree there is no single time frame. I also think that there will continue to be things/issues that come up at various times when you least expect it.

I think the key resides in what your post says... folks moving on and just as many walking around in a daze. My interpretation: those who are not taking a kind of learn as you go approach if you will and those who have yet to allow life to resettle in.

Do your best to enjoy what you have. Refocus on the good, lessons learned so they are not repeated, and just relax. If you're ready to put yourself out there then make sure you are doing just that. If you find that you're not ready for that yet then there is nothing wrong with choosing that instead.

I can relate to your description and have actually put myself out there only to discover that maybe I just wasn't ready. How did I know I wasn't ready?... I couldn't let myself be vulnerable. I dislike being lonely but have found ways to at least stay busy and worry less about it. I am happier this way so maybe it will work for you too?

OR... get a vacancy sign to carry with you ; )

....time is not of the essence, but the essence of what we do with our time that counts. We can sit a wallow in our own self pity or we can grab life by the balls and create our own happiness. I find that people seem to think that happiness will find us, but it never does. We must CREATE our own happiness and if that take time than so be it. Walking around dazed and confused is natural at first, but if we clear our minds the rest will follow. The hardest part about moving on is moving on, but once in motion, one will see all the avenues of opportunity that there are.... Keep plugging along Toss, for there really is a quality of LIFE AFTER DIVORCE....