You were together 20 years - wow - that timescale is a great achievement even if you had some really hard times. I was with my husband for 4 years in total and I am sad it took such a short time for things to go so horribly wrong. The empty feeling is with me but it gets less consuming each day. Losing a partner frees up time and provides opportunity for a new direction, most of us take a while to work out what that is.

I just came back from a weekend in the Netherlands with friends I have not seen for 4 years and it was fantastic - I remembered the person I was before I met my husband. I'm glad I did it, but know I would not have been ready before.

Sometimes life is just tricky. Good things happen, challenging things happen - maybe there are lessons from all the experiences but I dont think you are doing everything wrong - people just change

I doubt that you are doing anything wrong. Interpersonal relationships are just so complicated that I am shocked when I find a couple that has the "until death do us part" thing going for them.

Being with one person for 20 years tells me that you do not have unrealistic expectations for a man. When the time comes you either will, or won't want to roll the dice one more time. Here's hoping you hear very soon.

You are not a failure. You did the best you could. It takes two to make a marriage work. What did your partner do to help!

Your heart will mend. Take this time to examine your past relationship. Try to find the pattern. I can now see what I did wrong in my failed relationship and now keep that front and center when I check out guys worth dating.

You did the right thing by moving forward. Don't look back. Find some new interests and try them. This is your time to be happy.

I was married just shy of 18 years. It has been 4 years since the ending of my marriage. It ended in the worst way in my opinion--with being left for someone else and my only seeing one of our three children with any regularity. The heartache over the loss of what was--the life that I truly enjoyed is still somewhat overwhelming. I was happy, adored my children, was comfortable in that life and knew I had a good life. It all changed in the blink of an eye--I saw the person I loved turn nasty and cruel toward me. She did things that I never thought she would ever do. After 17+ years I thought that we were past the risk of "affairs"--and never in a million years would I think it would happen to us. I was told how she had been the only one trying, the only one taking care of the kids, she had to do it all--according to her. Not true---that's just her rationalizing her own faults.
Our marriage did need some work as we had grown apart--but I never sought anything outside of my marriage and that it still so hurtful 4 years later. Being told that what we had was nothing compared to the love she had for "him" still hurts to my very core--as if 17 years meant nothing.. So I also wonder---will the heartache ever end??--Yes I date, but haven't really found anyone "special" and I wonder if I ever will. I feel so worthless at times and I also wonder what I'm doing wrong too !

Is it possible that the reason every relationship you have ends in heartache is because you haven't allowed yourself ample time to heal?

The longer we're married, the longer it takes to heal. And usually healing involves some therapy.

You asked: "Am I not meant to ever be with someone and to be happy ?" Sweetie, happiness doesn't come from a relationship. It comes from within you!

Its hard but the only way to fill the emptiness is if YOU do it from with inside you.

I don't know how much time elapses between your relationships. So I may be off track. But, you WILL get past the pain - the only caveat is that you have to go thru it to get past it. In addition to seeing a therapist, it might be helpful to join a grief support group. Also, there are two national divorce support groups, www.rebuilding.org & www.divorcecare.com that are structured to help you understand all the feelings (and more) that you describe here. (BTW, www.rebuilding.org also has concurrent groups for kids.)

In all likelihood, what you are feeling is grief. Divorce brings about many different types of losses - not just the marriage, but also the losses of social standing, self esteem, standard of living, friends, how we're seen in the workplace, etc. We start doubting ourselves and some even question life long beliefs. So feelings of anger, denial, longing, deep sadness, feeling empty &/or lost, etc are quite normal. If not addressed they will get worse.

Please take whatever time & steps you need to heal yourself.

Hugs to you & your kids.

Good avice here, but it's hard to see clearly when you are feeling so lost.
I understand the grief and the questions about "why."
Merv14 said it well about the fact that both people must be doing the work for a marriage to succeed.
I am constantly reminded of how I put the ex's plans and goals ahead of mine.
The ex was never going to care about my needs. It was all about him and his needs.
I don't think there is a timetable for getting through this. The strong negative emotions come and go as we are working through the pain.
You are not a failure. I am the one who filed for divorce, also, but it was only because I realized that the ex was the one who failed to be a loving partner.
I hope you are in counseling. I am, and I'm hoping this will help me not to be attracted to a selfish person next time.

Thank you for all of the replies. The comment that said "that I"m not a failure.....that it was my ex that failed in the partnership" is something that I have to keep remining myself. I think I have been looking at it the wrong way. I know that I gave it my all.....I know I did.
So I jsut have to keep that in the forefront on my mind......to help with my self healing process. I think that's why things have been so difficult.

Thank you again to everyone for taking the time to reply. I REALLY does help hearing input from others. For me.......that it helping me to think things through differently....the way I should be.

Take your time. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are special, beautiful and loving. You will be OK. You don't need a man to make you whole. You can do that on your own. Once you love yourself, you'll be able to let someone else love you too. It will happen for you. (((Hugs)))

Only three months through the crap after 35 years here.

It sucks!

Ive lost wife, house, job and kids left home, but apart from doubts about my health, I intend to live the best I can, each day at a time.

You can only appreciate true happiness if you've experienced the opposite, so bring it on....

:-)

dreamsoft, et al: You may find some additional support over on Divorce After 20+ Years (a splinter group of Breakups & Divorce). Those of us who were married a long time are often faced with emotional challenges that are a result of such long relationships. Zouga is a long-time member over there and I can testify to the huge progress she has made since she first joined over there more than a year ago!
While 20 years is the guideline, if someone was in a relationship before marriage and the sum total is close to 20 years, nobody is going to deny you membership! So come on over, read our posts and introduce yourselves.
There are a number of long-timers there who make it our business to stay active in the group. We like to say we are LIVING BREATHING PROOF that there IS life after divorce (and a lot of us are also living, breathing proof that life gets even better at age 50!)
Hugs to you all this morning!

In June I will have been married for 21 years. My husband moved out in October, so he's been gone for 7 months. The hardest thing is having kids with someone your divorcing. Any other relationship you would never have to see them again, but when you have kids it's just so much more torturous!

I was doing so good a few days ago, but now I'm a mess. I feel so hopeless. I have no friends, and now my husband doesn't even want me. He left me with two kids who I love very much, but one of whom is handicapped, so it is a HUGE responsibility.

It is very hard for me to get out to try to keep myself busy because of the kids. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like this horrid lonely empty feeling is never going to go away. It certainly doesn't help that tomorrow is Mother's Day. :'(

I too have felt this way about the trail of wreckage I have left behind me. I came to a realization with the help of a few other people... It is ok to feel grief. Sit with it, analyze it come to an understanding of it's root, it's core. Then let it go. You must realize that you are a beutiful person deserving of love and compassion. Once you heal yourself of this grief, once you forgive yourself you will attract loving compassionate people into your life.