Sorry to hear you're in pain but as you said maybe that is what's needed to heal and move on. It could be what you're feeling is just part of the grieving process?

This is a really good topic. I have kids and shared custody involved, so I have to see & talk to my ex on a weekly basis. I wish I could have no contact like some can. How do others get the idea of getting back together "maybe someday" out of their heads when you are forced to interact with their ex's like I am? Do I keep replaying the pain and infidelity tapes in my head? That seems pointless.

hdwi,

I have an ex husband of 18 years and we share children. Our love had died before we divorced so I have no problem interacting with him. He still works my nerves but I had given up on him long before the papers were even signed. I did all my crying for him while we were still married. My rebound love, Tony, was one I saw a real future with and believed would make all the years of abuse I suffered through with the exhusband all worth it because I finally had a man that would treat me right. I didn't see that end coming and it killed me! Been trying to move on ever since I caught him cheating, just could not let go, for some reason. I guess "the dream" was just that good but now I know it was only a dream!

very good topic. And pats on the back for coming to terms with this. It's a sucky realization no matter where we are in life, aint it?

parallel lives! Yes I have never felt so much pain than the breakup with exfiance. It is because we still loved them, weren't ready and the breakup involved so many hopes and dreams. We thought we had out happy endings. I cried so much. I can't bear going into our house. I told him to just give away or sell whatever he wants. I had his mother bring me the nicest clothes I had left there, that is all I got. I will even pay other people to stage it for sale. I can't go there.

I have solace though in that I'm dating my nice gentleman. It's too bad that crappy guy you dated was such a big jerk. Will you date again soon? :(

I fully understand what you are going through. Today, I happened to delete all of my emails from my ex. I took off all of the pictures of us or her from my page here and closed down my facebook/myspace pages I had set up to communicate with her. It hurt doing so, but I think it will help me heal. Doing the same may too.

MD,
I have been and continue to date as the occasion presents itself, I have made a few guy friends but no one of real interest. I am ok with that. Part of the reason I think it is because I was still in love with the ex and part because I am not really in the market to love again yet. I need time to learn to love me and be the best I can be so I can attract a better class of man. If Mr. Perfect showed up tomorrow, I would be open to it but I have gotten picky so I don't expect it. I refuse to settle ot try to force anything. I am getting better at alone, at least no one is lying to me! LOL

Part of my divorce paperwork involved pages and pages of documenting what I had brought into the marriage, banking account statements, credit card statements and my monthly expenses. It took me days to complete it and I cried the whole time. It was like dissecting myself. Afterwards though I felt a sense of accomplishment and later that somehow I had cleansed myself of an infection.

Let yourself grieve. When you calm down go out and treat yourself to something nice.

I fell in love with a man shortly after I began dating. I to was on the rebound. I fell quickly. It ended because he was not yet divorced and his ex came back and wanted to work things out. The pain was unbearable. It was almost worse than my divorce.

After many months his wife left him again. This time I was healed. I tried to pick up where we left off but I realized he was truly only a rebound and I still had not gotten over my marriage.

I while later I met my current guy. This is real love. There is no rebound involved. Makes a differnce in so many ways. It is a want and not a need to be with someone.

Hang in there, you will see.

Every step (and I mean every step) you take towards a change, will move you closer to a new direction.

I've fouund that little things like redecorating the house, buying a different car, redecorating our bedroom all made a difference.

Hell I event moved where all the dishes and pots were stored in the kitchen :) LOL!

Now, there are something I can't change... for exmaple, my ex and I played music together so there are some bands I can't listen to even to this day or I'd cry my eyes out... (we were married in 79 and I meant him in music)... but today I'm so much stronger. Still haven't moved into a relationship yet, but I am stronger and more confident.

Keep making change. and good luck to you.

this post really stuck a cord with me. i went thru the same feeling with my divorce and now with another meaningful relationship. i asked the question "how do you stop loving someone you don't want to stop loving?" to me its not fair! i think it happens in stages as evryone seems to agree. you eventually become somewhat happy on your own. you begin to feel good about yourself that you are a good person and will make someone a great catch someday ;) but, in the meantime it is important to grieve and even get angry... i find my anger creates a distancing effect and it helps me fall out of love.. please donlt take the anger out on anyone (even the ex) it should be expressed at an appropriate time and in an appropriate manner. in a sense, we are being forced to stop loving someone.. that in itself is a hard thing to do, but over time you begin to love in a lesser degree. nothing wrong with loving someone always, but as far as emotional ties go, that is what needs to be broken.