I think its a very human reaction fur us to want our ex partners to feel the same pain we do, even if not something most of us want to admit to, so i commend you for saying it!! I quite often have flights of fancy eg I imagine winning the lottery and parading my new wealth or things like that.

The truth is you will never know your ex real situation or how he is really feeling now you no longer communicate - its easy to imagine its easy for the other party. I try to divert myself by managing - its a bit like the trickiest project I have ever had to navigate and I am damned if I am going to let my ex know my real feelings. MUCH more irritating for him to have no debate and wonder about it. If he imagines I am now well off and he is left with little, let him (very far from the truth but I have no issue with him retaining that view). I am of the firm belief bad behaviour gets its reward without any intervention.

I am a great believer in praising myself - sounds hugely pig-headed but I am motivated by being good at things so I just keep telling myself I am managing and thats amazing in itself. I hope you can find the lever that motivates you - its sounds like you have your priorities right

Best

Happyfish

I have learned not to place value on other people's opinion. If you are a good person and living your life in an honest caring way, you are successful. Your best validation is raising happy healthy children who value truth, honesty, goodness and caring. You need to set the example for your children and love yourself for being a great mom. Keep the focus on showing them the best way to overcome adversity to succeed in life. There will be ups and downs but as a mom, what wouldn't you do for your children?

One thing I try to do is know as little about my ex as possible and we live near each other in one very small state.
It took me about 4-5 years and now I am finally seeing the big picture.
He was happy to leave when I threw him out. I think he was purposely trying to get me to throw him out. Now he can be alone with his porn, his marijuana and his bizarre singles sites. I don't know if he has a girlfriend, but I think of it this way. No one could ever be happy with him and I know what it is like to live with him. I feel sorry for anyone else that gets involved.
I started a new life. I returned to my faith, I got new pets, bought a new place and now have a new relationship (1 year old). My life looks very little like it did before other than the same furniture.
If your ex is a lousy dad, I am sorry for your kids, but he is also going to miss out on a lot. Don't worry about him and definitely what goes around will come around. It might take awhile, but you will see it.

Just one more thing..I felt like a failure too. It takes two to fail at a marriage, if one of us is putting in 80% of the work and the other only 20%, well how much failing is really on your part? My gut feeling tells me this is an 80/20 relationship. I was in one.

It's been 4 years for me now since my/our divorce! Yes--It has gotten better in ways but you mention that your children are the joy of your life--look at it this way; things could be much worse. You mention that he see's the children only for a few hours a month--Shame on him if that is by his choosing. Thank God that you have your children. Children in KY, where I live, have the choice of visitation from the age of 12. My marriage ended due to an extramarital relationship and my ex had to tell my children something and that was that she left because I was a bad parent, to get them away from me. Fact is that I was a very good parent--not a perfect parent but I was there for everything for my children and they were well provided for and shown plenty of love--they were the center of my life. But my ex is very very manipulative and convincing. She had been involved in her "relationship" for at least six months, allowing her plenty of time to have my two sons convinced. I just thought that she was going through some mid life aging thing (both mid 40's) and just avoided any confrontation when she became aggressive and nasty--she was terribly nasty with me in front of my children and her parents in particular so I naturally retreated to avoid the conflict. I didn't have a clue. Long story made short--she had totally convinced my oldest son that she was divorcing me for their benefit--though I treated them like gold. My younger son followed suit by doing what his brother did and, of course, her parents fully reinforced what she was telling them. So---I've not had visitation with my sons for over 4 years now, although I have my now 6 yr old daughter almost daily after school for a few hours. My life revolves around my daughter and the scraps of time I'm given which is every other weekend and some overnights through the week as well. My sons don't give me the time of day and simply go inside to avoid me when I take my daughter there after my time with her.
So my life is is still very empty with the exception of my daughter.
What was the center of my life years ago doesn't care anything about me anymore. Never a thank you for birthday or Christmas gifts---nothing-ever. They are all cozy and comfy with their new dad-yes, her lover while we were married and married to him 2 weeks after our divorce-- I guess.