Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
hello -
i just came across this board and hoping some of you may be able to help.
i recently met a wonderful man - we have a ton of things in common, come from similar backgrounds, have similar values and ultimately seem to want the same things out of a relationship. the problem is, this is the first time i've dated a divorced man and i have no idea what to expect or if things are off to a normal start. "normal" i know, what is that anyway? well, here's some background:
my story: i broke off a year long engagement two years ago. in reality, the relationship really was "over long before it was over." i went to therapy, figured myself out, and found myself back out in the casual dating world six months later. dated casually, then decided to take about a year off, mainly to spend time pursuing new hobbies but also because, if i'm brutally honest, there was just no one around that i was interested in!
his story: he had gotten married three years ago and just finalized his divorce last month. he was the one who sought out the divorce and also claims that his marriage was over long before it was over, for reasons that sound like fundamental differences - he was a saver, she was a spender, she was battling mental illness and he just wasn't able to cope with it like he thought he could. essentially, he just got married too fast. however, i'm also definitely sensing bitterness on his part about the financial stuff, as he's strongly insinuated she stole/hid money from him. not entirely sure, as at this point, we are just trying to find out a little bit more about each other's past without knowing more than either of us need to know this early on. i.e. - we are still in the "i'm trying to impress" stage, so these things are coming up, just not often and sometimes uncomfortably so.
anyway... i have heard that you are not supposed to date for at least a year after divorce... is this really true? can anyone share experiences of dating within a year? does it sound like my new guy might be raising some red flags by even mentioning the reasons for his divorce? i know breaking an engagement is nowhere near as traumatic as divorce so i can't compare it to my own experience.
i just came across this board and hoping some of you may be able to help.
i recently met a wonderful man - we have a ton of things in common, come from similar backgrounds, have similar values and ultimately seem to want the same things out of a relationship. the problem is, this is the first time i've dated a divorced man and i have no idea what to expect or if things are off to a normal start. "normal" i know, what is that anyway? well, here's some background:
my story: i broke off a year long engagement two years ago. in reality, the relationship really was "over long before it was over." i went to therapy, figured myself out, and found myself back out in the casual dating world six months later. dated casually, then decided to take about a year off, mainly to spend time pursuing new hobbies but also because, if i'm brutally honest, there was just no one around that i was interested in!
his story: he had gotten married three years ago and just finalized his divorce last month. he was the one who sought out the divorce and also claims that his marriage was over long before it was over, for reasons that sound like fundamental differences - he was a saver, she was a spender, she was battling mental illness and he just wasn't able to cope with it like he thought he could. essentially, he just got married too fast. however, i'm also definitely sensing bitterness on his part about the financial stuff, as he's strongly insinuated she stole/hid money from him. not entirely sure, as at this point, we are just trying to find out a little bit more about each other's past without knowing more than either of us need to know this early on. i.e. - we are still in the "i'm trying to impress" stage, so these things are coming up, just not often and sometimes uncomfortably so.
anyway... i have heard that you are not supposed to date for at least a year after divorce... is this really true? can anyone share experiences of dating within a year? does it sound like my new guy might be raising some red flags by even mentioning the reasons for his divorce? i know breaking an engagement is nowhere near as traumatic as divorce so i can't compare it to my own experience.
Divorces can take a long time - so its a bit hard to know about the dating part. You could establish the point when he and his wife separated which might be more meaningful. I was ready to move on long before my divorce came through - it took me about a year which is considered pretty quick where I live. That said I had no real urge to date as was a bit weary, so not sure about that part.
Financial bitterness is very common because when you move from one household to two, inveitable income and standard of living drops. There is a constant tension between a sort of pseudo moral view eg " it was his/her fault/decision we broke up so why am I being financially penalised as well?" and a perception of effort "I earned the most during the marriage so why am I giving away the greater share" and so on and so on - I have never heard anyone who felt their financial split was fair. The process is horrible.
If you find yourself talking more about his divorce than other things its a good sign he has not moved on and its going to be a tough haul
Hope this helps.
DETAILS, GET DETAILS, ALWAYS GET DETAILS.
find out more about this money thing -- what was she spending on and why, how often she went shopping.
Find out how strong he is -- what if you have some kinda problem -- will he be leaving you instead of helping you or supporting you mentally, emotionally, financially.
to me -- dating is the "impressing stage". I don't know that people know how to bring out the real person that they are. It is up to you to bring out this real person IN HIM.
Just when you think he's a great guy, it could turn out, he's not real.
I know that no one is perfect but how much is he willing to accomodate or change in this relationship. Even something as small as offering to help you get thru car problems such as driving you to work or picking you up will reflect if he will help you if you get married.
My ex did not like to help me one bit, even my car problem was a pain to him, when it happened -- NOT very supportive in the marriage.
We never had anything tramatic happen during the dating phase (lying stage)so I never really got to see who he really was!!
I believe that a relationship is tested when the other person is needed for a -- special circumstance.
Before, we got married, there was no test situation that came about of how supportive he could be OR NOT!!
As an example, my ex, 2 days before payday --he was broke, no money, not even to eat when he went to work. He would borrow from ppl.
Before we got married I set a dollar amount that he was to have in A SAVINGS ACCOUNT. I did this so he could learn the value of a dollar. He said, "I did not know that saving could be fun" I told him, "When we get married that is not going to happen to us, I CANNOT live like that -- $1 in the acct before payday -- NOT going to happen"!!
To make sure he wasn't going to spend it all -- we had separate accts in the beginning of the marriage.
YIKES!! Then we got married and he went the other way -- penny pincher!!
Enjoy it while it's happening.
Enjoy your time with this guy and hopefully everything will turn out well :)
I dont think an exact one size fits all can be applied to when it's time for you to start dating again, and I don't think it's only about getting to know the new person. I think it's about how well you've come to know yourself during the time you've been on your own. Do you understand your strengths and weakneses in relationships. Do you understand your own personality type and the type of people you've been drawn to in the past and why? If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, I think you need to fully understand what the mistake was. Your gut instinct will tell you what you need to know, the fact that you are on here asking about it suggests to me that your gut has been niggling at you.
I hope it all works out for you . G