I am sorry that you find yourself on this forum. But welcome anyway. First do not, I mean do not sign anything, do not agree to anything that he says. If he already has a settlement set up, I bet it is so tilted in his favour that it would make your head spin. Get advice from a reputable lawyer, get a therapist and a financial advisor. These are going to be in your corner. He will try anything and everything get what he wants. Another thing, NO CONTACT is also important. If their lips are moving, they are lying. Hugs

Although I have heard of collaberative divorce, I have not met anyone who has gone that route. I believe it is meant for simple divorces, and probably a 30 year marriage does not constitute simple.

I too, wanted to go a gentler route. I suggested mediation to stbx. He balked, I waited two months of asking him if he was ready to set an appointment up, then gave up and got my own attorney. A mediator is supposed to get the two of you talking and guide you to coming to a settlement. After you have something written down, you each bring the settlement to a review lawyer, independant from the mediator and from the other spouse's attorney. Sounds good in theory....

I would suggest that you consult with an atty first to see what your rights are. Take all the financial records with you. Just remember that no one will look out for your future but you. If there are assets make sure you get your part of them.

I don't know anyone who has done collaborative. What do you think of this settlement? Are you familiar with the household finances, and do you think he's being truthful about all the accounts, or could there be secret accounts? If you have not been involved in the finances, I probably wouldn't trust him. But if you think he's not hiding anything, then there are attorneys who specialize in collaborative divorces who can guide you.

You can do this however you want to do this. Talk to the husband. I'm sure if you withstood 30 yrs together you two can manage to arrange one more thing without the wheels falling off. And it's cheaper to do your own deals because lawyers love to escalate situations and get you all adversarial. They don't get paid half as much if nothing goes ugly.

Bitter? No. Self satisfied. I played it this way because my ex husband was turning feral, and he was rich and I was poor. So I 'magnanimously' said we'd arrange an exact 50/50 split, no arguments, no haggling, no fighting. Sell the house, go halvsies.

make it all make sense. Go onefer onefer on the household belongings. I gave him a few things I loved because he wanted them. I 'showed willing'. I was a team player. I de-escalated, I kept things calm. He was allowed whatever access he wanted to the children. That relationship NEVER got formalised. And that was EXACTLY what I wanted. What, spend my share of the house fighting with him over access? With him with a bottomless pit of money, and me only half a house and on domestic purposes? Not a chance!

Share a lawyer. It'll freak the guy out for one thing. :D Even for the sale of house you can share a lawyer. You don't have to make a big deal of this. There's no big deal here.

You don't have to be paranoid and escalatory if you don't want. And remember: 40% of everything is far more than 60% of what's left after the lawyers have eaten you both for lunch.

When I told the ex I was getting a divorce we sat down together and hashed out what I wanted. He gave me everything I asked for including tax free alimony. I lucked into one of the best attys in my state. The ex was working overseas at the time and we had a week to get things figured out before he went back to work..

My atty gave me things to do to hold down on cost. The sticky point was where I live now. I wanted the farm but couldn't buy him out. So I had six years of alimony and then had to put the farm up for sale and we would split the proceeds. I had to take him back to court for contempt three times. I ended up with the farm and all the back alimony he owed me or he would go to jail. I think he took my divorce as some kind of game and thought he could come back after the divorce. I have no idea where that came from. All I ever said was I want my divorce.

Just make sure you have back up plans and an atty in case things go horribly wrong. I know how lucky I was and that doesn't always happen every time.