i know its hard, but you need to be with someone, a friend or friends, dont be alone, or you can meet new people and start dating, i heard this web site http://odessamarriage.com is great for meeting new people, just dont be alne at this period of your life!

First know you are in the grief process. They say it takes between 1-2 yrs for every 5-7 years of marriage to recover. If its not getting better it may be that you are 'stuck' somewhere in the process. That's not unusual.

I suggest you contact a grief counselor and/or join a local grief and/or divorce support group. There are two parts to grief. The feelings we feel inside and and outward expression of those feelings. Without the outward expression, we have a hard time healing.

It is critical to give and receive validation as divorce is a multi-faceted loss. Divorce is not just grieving the loss of the person. Even if we don't want them back, we still grieve the loss. We are also grieving the loss of mutual friends, our marital status, possibly the loss of our home and pets, the loss of mementos, the loss of financial security, even the loss of our standing in society, church and work, just to name a few of the possible losses attached to divorce.

As for not being alone. Of course, socialization is encouraged. However, and this is a huge "however," it is an absolute necessity to love ourselves enough to be comfortable being alone.

A very wise therapist said that in order to have a happy healthy loving functional relationship with another person, we must first have that with ourselves. Again, I suggest counseling with a qualified therapist to learn about ourselves, find our lost inner self love and to learn coping skills to get us thru the post divorce grief, as well as learning healthy boundaries, and rebuilding self-esteem after divorce.

In addition, there is a wonderful short video on youtube called "How to Be Alone." It's a place to start...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

in case it doesn't work, just go to youtube and type in "how to be alone." It should be the very first video by Andrea Dorfman.

Practicing extreme self-care is also important. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, exercise, spend time in nature, enjoy hobbies, socialize (join a meet-up or singles group), volunteer, etc.

~healing hugs~

yes I agree, you have to have a good relationship with yourself. I've also been divorced for 4 years, I've had a few relationships, but they never went anywhere. But the last year I gave up because there was no point in continuing to get into a relationship just so you have company, so I decided to stop and not look for a while, i've tried to make the best of being by myself and be comfortable with "myself". I hasn't been easy, I have good days and bad days, it's a process, i try to busy myself with things, but most of the times I end up watching TV, I know it's not healthy, but you know it is, you get into a rut and you can't get out of it. I'm sorry if I sound negative, but the truth hurts and it needs to be confronted. I think the only thing that will work is a therapist., someone who has no ties to you, someone who will tell it like it is, looking in from the outside. I will have to heed that advice also, because I have reached the end of my possibilities, I hope you have made the right decision and that things are better now, Ciao and good luck

Hi everyone....just signed up and saw this post. It's basically where I'm at as well. I left my marriage about 1 1/2 years ago but we continued to see each other until this January (just 6 months ago) because I wanted him back and to make our marriage work. Since he wouldn't agree to reconciling we finally stopped seeing each other/finalized the divorce in January. So even though I might have started grieving the loss a while back I really haven't processed through it, really healed from it. I've always been a person who enjoyed their alone time and this actually was some of why I left the marriage but now.....that I have all of the alone time I want it's almost too much to bear. I think before when I was alone (without my husband or a boyfriend) it was always filled up with "something"... friends, alcohol, my daughter, work...but now my daughter is grown and my ex-husband is gone and now there's just me....so the loneliness is smothering. I agree with one of the comments above that you do have to become comfortable with that aloneness, begin to know yourself--really know yourself and really learn to love yourself --all of yourself--flaws and all before you're really going to be able to have a healthy relationship.

I've found this to be extremely difficult on those tough days. The weekends are the worse....there's just too many hours in the day to fill with the loneliness. Some of the things I've done is reading some self-help books, starting to exercise, going to coffee shops to read or just people watch, making food from scratch instead of just going through a drive-thru, going to Divorce Care group, attending a non-denominational church, going to Waffle House on Saturday mornings and setting at the bar (there's usually a few older gentlemen there to start up a conversation with-lol), finding something to redo/updo (sanded down & painted a wrought iron patio table), meditating, yoga, journaling. Doing these things help...they really do. They're helping me "find me" again which is what I would think we all need to do now in order to move on but.....on those days when none of those things work or I can't make myself do any of those things and I just cry.....well then I just cry. I try to limit it so I'm not crying all day because usually what comes with crying are those automatic thoughts of "I have no one" or "I'm already 48. I'll never find anyone again" or "Even if I find someone...what if I can't make THAT work and it happens all over again" or "everyone else is happy and has someone." Somehow we have to remember that our thoughts are NOT REALITY a large portion of the time. Journaling helps with this....it gets it out...somewhere besides my head because keeping it inside your head/heart can be insidious. Try to pinpoint some ways you have improved...like 1) I don't cry every day now or 2) I'm learning about myself or 3) I'm trying to improve myself or 4) I exercised 3 times this week--yay me! It's really easy (on those bad days) to make myself believe I've not healed or moved forward at all...but I have and I bet you have too. Try looking for a divorce care group in your area. They are usually at local churches (usually several places have them). Even if you don't talk a lot at them it will normalize some of your own "stuck" feelings.

I never dreamed a divorce would be this devastating. I mean I've broken up with a boyfriend before (many times) and one or two of them were heartbreaking break-ups but this divorce things gets to a whole new level...it feeds on all your insecurities and plays them back for you like a movie in your head. Baby steps is what I keep telling myself (well my therapist tells me that--lol). I know it sometimes takes "years" to heal completely but hopefully in those months and years we are learning something, doing something different, loving ourselves, stretching ourselves (I'm saying this as much for me as anyone). We don't have to be comparing ourselves to anyone else's timeline....we just have to keep moving.

I am not sure how you get over feeling stuck. I was so busy making a living / trying to survive financially, and experiencing being involved with so many new people at my jobs, that my life just seemed to take on a momentum that worked for me, something I could begin to build on from there. There were romantic relationships here and there, but they turned out to be mostly a waste of time and serious distraction from what I really needed to focus on in my life, the things that were most important to me. I think the best advice I can give is just open your mind to new possibilities, new friends and opportunities, and see what comes along after that. If you can't find new friends at work, look into joining some groups with interests similar to yours, so the momentum can begin. A new healthy relationship with marriage potential has a much better chance of appearing and developing only when you have gotten to know who the 'new' you really is, and are comfortable in that new role. Men tune in to women who are strong and happy within themselves. But before anything at all can happen you have to take baby steps out of that box you are in. Divorce was out of your comfort zone, don't lose the ability to deal with being out of your comfort zone by shying away from life now!

Hello.. I am new here. I am not divorced on paper, but my break up certainly feels like a divorce. I too am stuck. I am not sure where I am going next with myself, but I have been considering a change of environment. Maybe travel will help? Or just seeing a new place for a weekend. Something novel to get the butterflies in your stomach fluttering for life again. I hope you don't get too depressed, please reach out if you find yourself there. *hug*

So sorry. I'm in same boat. It is hard to replace love of your life.

Wow. I am in same place you are.

You are young. 36 is a new chance at life. I'm 55 and either too picky and distrusting or can spot a loser when I see one.

I am 57 and had been married 29 years. Even though I filed the divorce I still think of him everyday and the good times we had. My therapist told me when I start thinking of him, think of the things he did to upset me first before thinking of the fun times. It helps a little. Also, get involved in something. There are "meetup groups" all over for all types of people that include fun things to do. I also volunteer for 3 big organizations which has really helped. If you're just looking for companionship most likely you will find someone on a dating site who is looking for the same. I agree the weekends are the hardest for me. Good luck to you

There is a lot more to moving on than simply finding the next romantic relationship. You have to focus on learning who you are now that you're without your spouse, and to forge new friendships with people of your own sex, before you can be really ready and successful at a new romantic relationship. Do the first two, the other can follow. Besides, a romantic relationship is not a prerequisite for happiness, happiness comes from many, many different things in life, or should, and that's what makes us whole. When we are a more rounded, whole person we are a better catch. If you think about it, isn't that what you want, too? Someone who is self-defined, has a good self-knowledge and who has good friendships with others and has grown since their divorce into the person they want to be? That person is much more ready for a relationship, than someone who hasn't moved forward since their divorce and who thinks they simply need to find someone and get married.

Wow am I reading this right it takes one to two years for every 5 to 7 years of marriage to recover? I was with my soon-to-be EX for 21 years holy Christmas that's a long time. I've been living away from him just since June of this year and I already feel like I'm over the whole thing. Is that normal am I just in denial? I joined an online divorce support group but it's too depressing to even read the post so I don't. I'm happy and I don't miss him at all in fact the thought of going back there is like Sybil going into the green kitchen LOL

I did not reread the whole old thread it takes 3
years To start to normalize after the divorce is
final. Some start dating at a year out if they Are
ready. I am At 15 months no contact i am no
Where near ready yet and still far from being
normalized.

Being normalized is having a social life, be happy
And whole being a single. Maybe find a healthy
New partner. Having life goals and looking Toward
The future not the past. Basically really moving On
and in acceptance.

It is not always that simple depends how your marriage
Went and played out if there was abuse, addictions and
If you are in recovery and going to therapy. I had many
Fairly normal years then some progressively bad years.

Its the bad years that have me stuck and i have to walk
Around in. Its the triggers that get Me the most. People,
places and things. Reminders and It doesnt take much
To feel like a gut punch. HUGS

I have not posted here before, I am new and I am one of those who can't move. Its six years since my divorce and for the last two years I have felt lonely than before. My job keeps me extra busy and it has worked well for me because I work with children. It has not been easy to find a new relationship, I just dont know how to start it all over again. It feels lonely when you have no one to share your deep worries with, help please

I have not posted here before, I am new and I am one of those who can't move. Its six years since my divorce and for the last two years I have felt lonely than before. My job keeps me extra busy and it has worked well for me because I work with children. It has not been easy to find a new relationship, I just dont know how to start it all over again. It feels lonely when you have no one to share your deep worries with, help please