Life After Divorce Support Group

This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.

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butterflyz 10/22/2018

It seems everyone starts with the "I'm new here" statement so now it's my turn. I was a member of a group similar to this A LONG time ago, for a MUCH different reason, and I remember anonymously talking it out helped me immensely. So, here I go again.

I separated from my husband in 2008 (final divorce in 2011) so I've been on my own for over 10 years. Back then, I was (obviously) younger, slimmer, and much better looking than I am now. Very early after my separation I dated a guy 19 years younger than me. Things didn't work out with him for a volume of reasons and sadly, we fully parted ways in 2011. I fell completely head over heels in love with him. I loved him like no other man before him and still think about him almost every day since our split. Being with him is not an option though and I accept that.

Fast forward to today. I am older, fat, and depressed. I have not been hugged or kissed (or anything past 1st base) since him. It took me a long time to get over him and I have pretty much become a recluse since him. I don't blame him for my current condition - I'm just including my last relationship as a point of reference. I. Am. Lonely.

I don't really know what kind of feedback I expect to get from this post. I guess I'm hoping for suggestions on how to cure my loneliness. Please don't throw out the obvious "go out and meet people" or "join a meetup group". Those are good suggestions, but ones I'm already avoiding. My self-esteem is as low as it has ever been. I am the fat chick. The fat chick I never wanted to be, but here I am killing it. Please don't throw the "do something about it" suggestion at me either. I've tried, for several years to no avail. I've been on prescription medicine (Contrave) TWICE and nothing. I've had blood work done - thyroid is fine. Luckily I'm not diabetic. I'm a terrible, stress, all-fat/carb eater. I know that's what causes the weight gain and weight stay. I'm not naive or ignorant. And, I know how simple math works: take in less calories than you burn off - got it! Over the last 3-4 years I've gained approximately 100lbs and now I can see 300lbs from here. I'm too embarrassed to go out and meet people or join a meetup group.

I am the fat girl in all the pictures. I am the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel or odd-man-out wheel with all of my friends. My friends don't treat me any different - they are all great - but they all have significant others.....and then there's me. I don't want to go out with them because I get more depressed. I have turned away from several TV shows because they depress me as well, always wishing I could have the same kind of relationship as the characters. I can't find anyone because really, who wants to date the fat chick? No one even gives the heavy girls a try. No responses or activity on any of the dating websites, except for the occasional creeper, no thanks.

My mind's eye still sees me as the 100lb lighter girl but then I pass a mirror. What happened to me?

What I need is motivation, or undertanding, or agreement, or sympathy. Something to let me know I'm not alone. Someone to convince me there is a relationship out there for me. Don't get me wrong, I in NO WAY feel that I need a man to complete me. But almost 8 years is a LONG TIME to go without a hug, a kiss, sex, cuddling, companionship, etc. If you have never done it, you cannot imagine how lonely it is.

Sorry for the long post. Some days are better than others. Every day is a struggle. Thanks for your time.

meandgeppetto 10/23/2018

It sounds like you have been struggling with self confidence issues for a while now. Please hear me when I say that you are PERFECT just the way you are. I totally understand feeling like you are the “fat chick” as I have felt that way most of my life. Going to meet new people, diets, exercise, and anything else people suggest are good options, but nothing will ever work until you can learn to accept yourself. I believe in the saying “you cannot fully love someone else until you are able to love yourself”. It takes time, and hard emotional work but it IS possible. You can get there. Once you manage to have higher confidence, you will automatically start to see all of the wonderful people in the world that don’t view you as the “fat girl”. There is nothing wrong with loving the body that you were given, you have to own it and the right person will find you.

butterflyz 10/23/2018

Thanks for your kind words. I agree that I cannot love (or even attract) someone else until I can love myself. The question is, how do I get there? I don't like myself very much at all. Basically, I have decided this is me. This is how I look now so I've given up trying any improvements. Pretty sure that's the excuse I tell myself when I eat something else I shouldn't be eating. It is what it is. I am what I am.

I feel like if someone, anyone showed the slightest bit of interest in me I'd snap out of this fog and start taking better care of myself. I just have to find that person.

growthhurts 10/23/2018

I understand and I'm sorry you are lonely. I'm also heavier than I was in my younger days, although I haven't been "thin" since I was a child. I've learned to embrace my curves. Have you tried following body positive people and plus size models on social media? There are a lot of beautiful people out there, of all shapes and sizes. I've found it helps me to see that. I also know some beautiful, larger people who have found love with people who love them, just the way they are.

butterflyz 10/24/2018

I have not tried that, but it sounds like a great idea. I do admire the women that flaunt what they have without a care in the world. I hope to get there one day.

I have good days and bad. Sometimes loneliness completely consumes me. Other times, I'm too tired to care. Usually it hits me when I'm around couples. That's the main reason I rarely go anywhere other than work/home.

I hope this funk I'm in ends soon. Thank you for reaching out. It truly does mean a lot to me.

aspiretobe 10/28/2018

Good Morning to All, You have a lot of courage Butterflyz in the sharing of your story and I admire that. Your inner core and soul sound beautiful and vulnerable in this online forum and I encourage you to continue with your journey by continuing in this group and in finding resources to help guide you moving forward. Our outer shells (bodies) are another dimension of ourselves and sometimes can be an indicator of struggles within. Sometimes there are other issues (medical contributors such as medications, conditions) that can contribute and many times its a cluster of factors. I think there is no user guide in life and that is why we are here together online. We have hit a bump in the road and are looking for ways to get over the bump. We can do this, that I do know. I think each individual path will look different in the rear view mirror but there are probably some common denominators. Social connection is important to health and wellness - period. Research shows this. We have a small tidbit of social connection in this group and that is a place to start. For each of us, the next step may look and feel different. Personally, I find some help with being in a book club (sometimes I go and sometimes I can't or don't feel like it) and I try to get out for events but I do resonate with that loss/hole you describe of not having that deeper connection Another thing that helps me is connecting with nature - usually a walk in the park honestly. I feel the relaxation and my mood improves. There is research on this too. Our answers will be different I think but it's a good place to share what works, I think.

With the holidays coming up, I am working to reframe my own expectations to mitigate potential letdowns. It is tough. I think finding deeper ways to connect, does require some level of sharing and vulnerability and so somehow, and at some point, a person needs to find ways to get connected to be in that position in the first place and then the seed can be planted for a relationship or friendship to grow.

Thoughts?

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