Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hello, my name is Matt, and I am a compulsive liar.
Last Friday, 12/09/16, my wife found a thumb drive that had lots of porn on it. It was a work thumb drive that I was using as a personal drive. My first initial reaction was to lie about it and told her that I had no idea what it was. I knew what was on there. I was even responsible for downloading some of it. Which of course I said that I wasn't. I was responsible for the "Normal Porn" that was anal. But there was porn on there that involved beastiality, and fake "incest" related scenes. I had asked an ex-coworker who downloads lots of movies if he had what I was looking for, he did, and I gave him the drive to put the movies on there. When I got the drive back, the porn was on there. I knew that I could have, and should have deleted it right then and there, but I didn't. I kept saying that I didn't know why, but that was a lie. I kept it in case one day, I might want to check it out. And I couldnt't bring myself to say that. I never watched it.
I was asked to leave my own home - so I packed some of my stuff, and left.
Now my wife think that I am danger to my kids and doesn't want me left alone with them. I would never, ever do anything to harm my kids. EVER. Due to all the lies that I have told my wife, she has no trust in me what so ever. I can't blame her for that. But the fact that she thinks that I would ever do that to my kids, hurts so very, very much. I know that I never watched that stuff. And it sucks not being believed about it. But that is my fault.
It was very hard for me to write this. I am not proud of any of what I have done. My lies, choices, and decisions have thrown my life into a downward spiral. I have created this cycle of choices, and lies that have been damaging to my marriage that I don't know if I will be given the opprotunity to fix. I want nothing more in this world to be able to fix this, and make things right again. But this time for good. This time, I am not doing stuff like this, going to therapy, and researching and reading as much information as I can for someone else like I have in the past. This time, I am doing this for me. This time, I am willing to whatever it takes to make things right. And I know that it's going to take a long, long time. Time that I might not have to save my marriage and my family.
I have to start being honest and making better life choices and I have to right now. That is why I am on here writing this. In fact, I should probably join more than just this group....
Tomorrow, I will start doing daily check-in's like some of you do. Thanks for listening.
Something else you need to hear: you are worth more than this. More than the lies and the way you have been acting. You are. You need to believe that as well.
Can you do it alone, though? Probably not. Think about it. If we could do this alone wouldn't we have already? No one wants this in their life. The drama, the distrust, lack of love. I am not going to harp on God. I don't believe in God. You just need to believe that you want to change and you need to enlist some help. Coming here is a good start. Do the posts. Be honest. Really be honest. Then look it over, and make sure that you're being honest. Did I mention honesty?
No one here is going to judge you. No one here is going to put you down. I would also suggest finding a 12 step group. I am in Sex Addicts Anonymous. I wasn't convinced that I was an addict when I started going, and I am more convinced that I am addict, just not sure that it's to sex, but I am open about it. Also the group is supportive, and they have tools to help with problems. New ways to look at situations. I've been going to at least 1 or 2 meetings a week for 4 months now and I can say that I look forward to going because it gives me a safe place to get what's on my chest off of it.
On the home front, rebuilding trust is hard and takes a very long time, if ever. You need to be open to that. You will get angry. Let's say that again, also, you will get angry. I do, and I am pretty certain that everyone else does. You will need to find ways to address your anger. I'm no saint and this is something that I am working on as well.
Remember that every lie is going to set you back, it doesn't matter the "size" of the lie. Be careful to address any that you might say as fast as possible. Admit it, correct it, try not to dwell.
It's going to be a long road, and a difficult one. Keep posting, find a group, be honest in therapy to get to the root of why you are the way you are, keep at it. You're worth it.