Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I am the offender. I am the one that can't stop lying. I am already an addict in another 12 step tradition but this seems to be my biggest addiction, my biggest hurt I inflict on others. It seems to be worst when I am at my lowest emotionally. The other day she had been gone for a week and we hadn't spoken all that much, I had missed her so much and was so happy to be chatting again. She asked me if I had taken care of something and i immediatly lied and made up a story, total bullshit. It wasn't about the thing I was lying about, I just didn't want something to stop us having some nice conversation and so I selfishly told a story to keep moving things along. She knew I was lying though and called me on it. I got caught. In the past I would "double down" and make up more stories. This time I did admit it as soon as she asked me if I was lying, but still, she had to catch me. It is always when I get caught, every time. And everytime I apologize and I tell her this is the last time and I won't do it again. After all of this, just two days ago I was faced with an old lie that she asked me about, and I could have totally owned it and said I was lying and in a split second, I chose to lie about that. She asked me "is that a lie?", and right away I said yes. But this isn't good enough! I know it isn't good enough.
I don't want to be this way, I know I do this to make myself look better and to manipulate another person into having them think my version of reality is the actual version and to make them feel the way I want them to feel, because they don't really know the truth. I have lied about everything for so long and about so many things. I know I am lying SO MUCH less than I used to, but anything less than 100% honesty feels like a sham and just not enough. I have broken her heart again and I fear this might be the final straw. She said I am toxic and not a safe person, and she is totally right. I don't have any right to complain, and that isn't what this is. I am just desperate to not lie and to be honest and to finally let go of this unrealistic image of myself I am trying to portray. I am glad I found this group. Thank you for listening
Sincerly,
Tired of being someone I hate
