Marcleclerc, without full context not sure if I can be really helpful here. What exactly is your situation? Any details that are worth sharing?

I don't think a letter is a bad idea at all. I agree with you that having something physical or substantial 2 see or hold might show that you truly were trying to make an effort to make amends. Along with that maybe the discussion of the things you're doing correct your bad habits would also help them feel better about the situation. It might help you feel better about it too, realizing that you truly are doing something to become the person you want to be.

flubie it's quite a long and complicated story, but essentially this person I was in a relationship with confronted me about my lying. At first I didn't even realize I was doing it. One example was one of our first dinners together came from me reaching out to them as a friend. Later in the relationship, to appear more romantic I later told them I reached out to them because I had a crush on them. After asked about my intentions at that dinner in our relationship I confessed I didn't have intentions of it being a date. They were lies to make myself seem more romantic, or smarter, or generally more appealing. From conversations with my therapist I think this comes from a need for validation. My father died when I was 11 and I think a big part of me still seeks validation from others that subconsciously I'm still seeking from my dad (who did validate me very much when he was alive, but never really saw me grow up and making him proud is very important to me.) That seems to be the crux of my issue.

gwilly my concern is that I have told this person that I would clean up my act before. I continued to lie after that. I feel like the boy who cried wolf. My fear is that it is too soon. I appreciate your encouragement though, it make me feel at least that it is an honorable idea and worth putting more thought into it.

I do this exactly. I am trying to find a way to stop. I think it has cost me my relationship to my fiancé and I am truly heart broken. He is my best friend and to hurt him like this was never my intention but my lies caught up and slapped me and him the face with a reality check. I seek validation and make small lies and grow into huge ones over time. I don't know the reason or why I do it but I know I need help. At the time I know I cannot afford a therapist but I know I need one to get to the root of this and kill it before it kills me.

@marcleclerc What has your therapist done to help you conquer this?

@suelo823 I know exactly how you feel. This woman was my best friend and I threw it all away because I didn't want to seem weak or stupid. Unfortunately I think it is too late for me to salvage the relationship or even the friendship. I hope it hasn't come to that with you. I'm sure your fiancee wants to help you in any way they can and wants to make it work.

My therapist has been working with me to get to the root of my issues with validation and seeking approval. She says if we can find the root of the issue it is easier to recognize when those feelings crop up. Once we can identify those feelings and those urges we can make a more conscious choice to step up to the plate and tell the truth.

If you're anything like me the lie is my go to and it is usually without thought. It sounds better so I say it and hope they don't catch me. Then when confronted I get scared and tell an even bigger lie to cover that one up. The woman I was with would tell me all the time that she would rather have me tell her the truth of what I did wrong or felt was wrong than have me lie about it, but obviously I didn't believe her. I wanted her to stay so I would make it "better" by telling her something that solved the problem immediately. Trust that your fiancee wants the best for you. Trust him to hear the ugly parts of you.

Loving someone is about loving that person as a whole. Again if you're anything like me we love very strongly. There was nothing this woman could have said to me that would make me want to walk away. I didn't trust her to do the same for me. I was too scared that she would hate me and move on. If I had just been upfront with the parts of myself that I felt were unworthy I know she would have stayed because she loved me deeply. Trust your partner to do the same for you.

I hope this helps, and I wish nothing but the best for you.

Hello all I too am seeing a therapist to face the root of my issues. I have learned that you can't be good for no one else until you are good for yourself. Lies will always hurt the ones we love, and we will always be trying to fix the relationships that we damage. It is hard to kill the swarm of roots that leads to lying while you are trying to mend burnt bridges. Now don't get me wrong I am still trying to mend my marriage with my actions of doing the right things. It's said that behavior changes take repetitive work of six months. So listen it's one day and one step at a time keep your head up and chest out.

I completely agree. The more I focus on fixing the core of the problem the easier it is becoming. I hope at some point it becomes a moot point but until then it is a daily battle. Posting on here has also helped a lot. Being brutally honest here is good practice. We need to train our brains to see that there is not going to be judgment for those times that we mess up. The important thing is to come clean and be honest about it and do better the next time. So many of these lies are coming from a place of fear. We are afraid the person we are lying to won’t love us or will leave us if we tell them the truth. The reality is if they love you they will love the ugliest parts of you as well and help you to fix them. The same as we would do for them.