An emotional affair is cheating just as well as a physical affair is cheating. IMO it would be even more painful to know my partner was having an emotional affair because it would mean there was somebody in this world she wanted to share her heart with more than me. I would call it a deal breaker. Whether your girl leaves for this person or not is irrelevent because in her heart she has already left.
I am sorry if this comes across as indelicate, but you can't change what is in a person's heart. I think you should move on and find another to share your heart with who will return your love in an equal fashion. It must be SO incredibly painful to lie in bed at night next to somebody who you know is longing for somebody else. You deserve more. If you disagree with this and feel that what you have is worth salvaging then perhaps couples counseling is an avenue you could explore. Somehow, though, I feel as though this will haunt you throughout your relationship, the same way infedelity does to most relationships. Very seldom do couples find a way to remain together AND completely happy after one party has cheated on the other. There are exceptions to every rule. Good luck with this. I hope you find happiness which ever way the chips fall.

Hi There shehas,

There is something called emotional infidelity. You can look it up online to find articles on it.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this pain.....No, I don't think you are over reacting!

You state that she says she loves this other woman and that you know she wants the other woman more?! Maybe re-read your post and you might have your answer? This obviously is doing a major number on your self esteem!!!

I was going to reccomend couples counseling for you both, but if she already claims to love this other woman etc. I don't know that therapy will help. Except perhaps to get some closure and insights form a neutral 3rd party?

I wish you all the best. Again I'm sorry you are in pain......

Blessings,

Jess

Thanks ladies. I think you both gave me the advice that I needed to hear. Im going to leave her in the near future. I realized that just coming here and writing all that down was kind of a last ditch effort to hang onto something thats been dead for a while now.

Part of me wanted someone to tell me I was being oversensitive and that I should give it another shot. Thanks for not pulling the punches.

Honestly...I have been in this situation. Just on the opposite end. I have been with my partner for some time now, and another woman came along who I never had a chance with and I fell for her. It crushed my partner but, we worked through it and we are very happy now. The other woman is not in my life and, although it still hurts, I am very committed to Shauna. The thing is, although I did develop feelings for someone else for reasons that were my own, my commitment was to my partner and not to this other woman.

I'm not advocating for what happened, I'm not saying it's right or forgivable. What I am saying is that it happens, and the first thing that needs to be evaluated is her commitment. If that isn't strong enough to work through it, then, by all means, leave. If she is fully committed to you, despite her feelings, it could be worth the last ditch effort.

The most important thing is being happy, in whatever you do. Follow your heart, it knows best.

I went through this a long time ago...my G/F met this girl at work and fell in love with her. She had no chance in hell of being with her .....but still she started writing music for her spending all her time with her. This is a sign of someone who HAS NO respect for you what so ever. If she was in love with you she would never have even been able to fall for someone else. There is another issue going on......good luck. I hope you leave her ass

I realize I'm throwing in an opinion a little late in the game. I was wondering if you had approached her about going to couples counseling? Like someone else had said on here- even if it just solidified to you that it was over, it could be worth something. If she down and out refused to go- there's your answer anyway. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and especially if it is linked to a health problem you have been having. If she cant' be supportive when you are having an illness though- it seems like that says something?

Oh! that is very bad a feeling, having lived together for 8 whole years. I advice you approach her more on this, perhaps she might return totally to you. Given the reasons that you were ill does not show she loves very much and care about your health, that could have brought her closer to you to help you bounce back to health. Anyways, just be your normal self and see how things would turn around for good.

cheers

At this point were still together. I decided to leave her but we talked and fought for about 2 weeks straight, then we both decided to give it another try. Weve both re-committed emotionally and so far its been really great. I dont entirely trust that the recent improvements are permanant, but Im cautiously optimistic.

The "emotional affair" aspect still really hurts. But I try to just not dwell on it. I know thats not a permanant solution but she says shes working on getting over it. If she cant, Ill leave.

Sickness hurts every relationship. I feel guilty for being sick and pushing her away, even though its not my fault. It takes a remarkable relationship to hold together during a time of sickness. And its always a shock to see that a relationship that you put so much into, just isnt strong enough. I cant blame her entirely, its both our faults.

As far as counceling goes, Id love to. But the fact is, we cant afford it. Im not working (another cause of our problems) and we have no savings. Were just doing the best we can.

Thanks everyone for your support and comments!

another view from the other side: I am just emerging from an emotional affair of three years. My heart is totally and completely broken because I know I will never love anyone like I loved this woman. It is the more painful because she cannot forgive me for staying in my primary relationship, so we do not speak at all. I have to try and find closure on my own. Having this affair did not mean I do not love my partner of seven years. I do, enough to stay on through some very difficult times and try to make it work. My partner is very much older than me and sometimes very ill as well. I do not feel I can leave. But please try to understand. Sometimes we love more than one person. We have to be generous with that, and accept that we cannot control our feelings. We can control our behaviour, and if your partner is nasty or undermining then you can deal with that on its merits. If she has lied or kept secrets than that is also an issue. But simply falling in love with somebody else, it happens, and if your relationship is strong then you will survive it, and come out closer together than ever before. That is what is happening to us. So keep the faith.

Simplicity =

My sister.
You have taken this woman back after a major betrayal. I *high five you for giving your faith, truth and strength another try. I wish you both tRuE LoVe.

In order to find True Love and Forgiveness you wil have to talk about it, understand, forgive and never ever hold it against her again.

I send you grace and peace, and the ability to see the reality right in front of you.

I'm not sure if you are going to think my comments are far different than other peoples...or even off the charts. But the first thing I want to address if your being "sick". It's a poor excuse for blaming on your partner falling for someone else, in fact, sounds rather lame to me. The very essence of a strong relationship is that you are both there for one another "whether in sickness or in health"....while we are lesbians and don't use those vows, the sentiment is the same. Othewise, if I get the flu I should expect my partner to run? I get cancer she should cheat? Sounds like lame bs to me. Your illness is nothing to apologize for and you are not responsible for the cards you are dealt. But Love means ...loving a person always.

The only one who can decide if you should go or stay is you. If you do stay, I strongly urge that you seek help to get through it. Sweeping it under the carpet, ignoring it, or sidestepping it, is not going to work. She has to prove every day she is there with you, she must become totally transparent, and speak openly of how she is feeling...and being honest about it, otherwise, it will not work.

I have two gay men who are very good friends, around the 5th year they were together, one cheated on the other. THey broke up for a time, with all Marcs friends telling him to just forget his partner, except myself. I gave him the advice i'm giving you now. He made the choice to give it another try. They have been together for 25 yrs now, BUT, that cheat is always right there....every now and again, it rears its ugly head. Yet how they have kept it at bay more, is by its being openly spoken about, "joked" about, commented on, the entire time. Feelings are spoken, mistrust is also put out there, and his partner some times still has to prove he will not cheat.

The reason they have made it? Because his partner had to accept his responsibility and understand this would be his "pennance" for his transgression. I was at their home for dinner a few months back and it came up because of his relationship with a friend. In frustration he asked me, "How long do I have to deal with his mistrust? How long is fair?". I could only respond, "As long as it takes...you made your bed, you must lie in it, make it and strip it over and again..."

The day you two stop speaking of it, or "get tired" of working on it, is the day you are in trouble. Still in the end, cheaing is cheating as sava said, no matter. In fact, emotional cheating is far worse in my eyes, because it says the one thing you two could have had still , no long can be.

I wish you all the best, make the decision based on what YOU want now, not what you think you want, what she wants, or what might be. Be real...realistic...and most of all, you've put up with enough, be good to yourself.

I have been in the same boat... Wow I am 38 my partner of 4 yrs is 24 She told me at 1st she was just a lesbian in hiding then 2 yrs later shes BI then she tells me she still had feeling for the guy she cheated on me with when we first got together. We have been seperated 3 times. Now she is being really shady again. Staying late after work, taking folks home telling me they are friends yet dont know their name HUMMMM..
Although this guy is in another state and has moved on then she started telling her ex guy friend if we do not make it she will go back to him.