Personally, I think you may be putting to much importance on labels. Even in straight relationships, many times the woman is the provider and/or "financial manager." I don't think it's exactly fair to expect her to be in charge of all of that just because she takes a more masculine role.

However, it does seem like you are feeling taken advantage of or under appreciated. In which case I would say you should talk to her about just evening up the responsibilities. But don't focus on the fact that you make more than her or make it seem like she owes you anything. Make it seem like you are a team and show her that you NEED her help/input instead of just feeling like its owed to you.

Hope things work out! =]

Thanks Ali...you are right. I shouldn't look at the label. Its hard at times because she likes to hold on to that and "pound on her chest" she is the head off household. I tried to talk with her today and it didn't go so well. Maybe we will revisit at a later date :(. Again thank you and I really appreciate the advice!

If it is important to her self esteem to think of herself as "head of household" what does it really hurt ? Perphaps her self esteem is low and she needs to think of herself that way. If you really love her and want a long term relationship with her, then I humbly suggest that when you talk to her just ask for more help with whatever it is that you need and leave the mention of roles out of it. There is an old saying that says "you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar" Just tell her that you really need her help and do not threaten her "masculinity" so to speak. Find a way to ask for what you need without taking away from how she sees herself.

Hi ya vm23. Boy, do I remember this struggle in my last partnership. Yukkers.

Excellent thoughts here already though :O)

All I would add is to consider how unique your relationship is. What you two have built together is like nothing else on this earth. We each bring strengths into our partnerships, and the normal, human weaknesses we show, ...are only 'weak' if we see them as weak. It sounds as if there is a side of her personality that is high butch,..and that's beautiful and cool!!
Apparently her Ego requires feeling puffed up and 'take charge' but her Faith in your analytical mind is very real. And.. a complement and...quite cool :O) She trusts you to handle certain things and you have to admit..you're damned good at certain things!! :O)

I can very much relate to your feeling like a Mom. I have concluded after 21 months of reflection that I was my X-partner's Mom for 12 long years. But, it was the choice I made because I felt there were things I was better at, so I didn't make her stop and do things on her own :O/
Keep communicating, 'Step Back', quit taking charge of certain things and let her fail and learn. If you want to be with a responsible adult,...start treating her like one :O)

Good luck hon!!

im a butch and i have always worked and covered things financially, my ex was physically disabled, but she did handle the finances,,,,i worked a stressful job and she had so much more insight into the household, what the needs were and was better at making sure everything was taken care of in re to that,,, which i appeciated, im not sure handling the finances is a butch or femme thing as much as who wants to and discussions and making decisions together,,,,, many grew up in homes where a father worked and the mom paid the bills handled the money.... maybe she sinccerely doesnt feel for whatever reason that she would be best to do that and trusts you to? communication commnication........... sounds like it isnt something u want to do? I know many butches who feel they have to have that control,,, im impressed w the fact she trusts u to handle it and is willing to let go of that "butch femme power struggle in many relationships,,,, just my thoughts.... KD

I'll admit, I don't know much about butch women. I'm more femme and tend to go for femmes. Now labels aside, it doesn't matter how you classify yourself. It's important for both people in a relationship to feel needed and wanted. I'm not talking about being needed in a co-dependency kind of way...but in terms of the relationship being equal. Does that make sense? Basically, what I'm trying to say is that by asking her to do more, asking her to do things you need her to do to help out, she may feel more needed and valued in the relationship. She knows very well that you can do the things you ask her to do on your own, but by asking her to help, it shows that you trust her to do them. And if it's something she isn't familiar doing, show her exactly what you need her do. If she has a strong butch personality, I imagine she will feel good knowing she is protecting the family (car repair, finances, paying bills, clothing, etc, is all a form of protection in one way or another).
Another thing I wanted to add is that I think it's great that she asks you about some decisions. Now I don't know how small you're talking about, but if it comes to finances, the more talking the better, in my opinion. You're a team and a team doesn't make important decisions on its own. But I could see your frustration, if for example, she can't make a decision on what to make for dinner.
My advice is to talk with her. Ask her for help in this or that. Show her what you need her to do. Be patient with her while she learns, as Rome wasn't built in a day. :)

Good luck!

Thanks everyone do much for the advice. I have decided to lay off on the financial part. I think we have other issues that drive me that made me want her to take ownership on something. Its definitely a partnership but someone has to take the lead on somethings....but its always me. I'm going to try to talk with her again later on. I need her to take on more. Right now its no partnership..just me. I am going to lay off on the roles and I want her too as well. Maybe that would help both of us. Im going to express myself with wanting a partnership. Actually have a relationship than me giving in all areas and she just taking. Thanks everyone!

hm. i am butch and i know the kind of girl you are talking about.it sound like a ego thing. the girls i have been with have always made more than me. it has never been a problem with either one of us, but i do understand wear you are coming from. she has to make you feel like you are imporant also. it sounds like she is not doing this for you.i have always told every girlfriend that i have ever had. you have to tell me what you want and i want you to feel like you are number one. my favorite thing to say is that if momma aint happy no one is happy. but i went out on a date this last week and the girl was talking so dam much that i thought i was going to pee myself. she said i was rude for asking her to hold that thought. thank god we was on my motorcycle because i did not have to lesson to her on my way to her house. i guess what i am saying is that sometime it is okay to take care of yourself. don`t wait for her to change.

I haven't read anyone elses reply but coming from my view in my parents relationship a straight couple my mom does all the financial stuff in our household and does bring in more income than my dad also. The best thing I like about this is that my mom get's stuff done being the "female" in the relationship my dad I feel is the same way as you mentioned your partner is. My dad sometimes does want a part in it but she has it all organized and I would say if you feel overwhelmed ask for help if you need it. But I feel that you are a good person for doing this because you at least know that things will be taken care of and when hard times hit you are there to reassure everyone and it helps me as a kid when I see things plumit regardless she is my mom she keeps us all level headed as a strong female.

In response to ajr's post, "....i went out on a date this last week and the girl was talking so dam much that i thought i was going to pee myself. she said i was rude for asking her to hold that thought."

LMAO!!!!
Some women can't take a breath long enough to see their jabber-jaws are putting their companion to sleep! Hate it when that happens!
LMAO

ms.teri That same girl called me tonight and like a dumb ass i picked up the phone. she talked for 2 hours. i tried to get off the phone atleast four times. she asked me why i was trying to get off the phone . i said because my ears hurt. some girls just don`t get it. i know every colar of finger nail polish she has and every brand of makeup she owns. i even know were she bought her underwear. but she is dam sexy:) and i am bored i guess

My femme partner pays all the bills. I am the house-butch. X-D We didn't start out that way but over time that is what we found works for us. She loves being the money-maker. I like taking care of the other stuff.

Every couple has to find the mix that works for them, and sometimes it isn't what you originally thought it would be!

Well you know the saying "if it walks like a duck..". Your partner claims to be a duck but she's a bunny calling herself a duck, imo.