Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hello everyone, I'm Kaye, and I recently got into a huge fight with my girlfriend which led me to decide that the best option for now is to leave.
We just got back together last Friday (Apr26) after a two-week long breakup. Our issue was always the same thing: she has difficulty trusting me. Last night, we argued over something small; something which holds no meaning for me anymore but makes her think that I still haven't moved on from my ex. She always tends to overthink about these things, maybe it's because she was my first girlfriend and I only had boyfriends before.
Anyway, the fight grew worse when she brought up everything we fought about in the past, even the things I thought we've moved past already. It even reached a point wherein I had to hold on to her and tell her as calmly as I can to breathe and relax. She was screaming at me and trying to walk away, she even hit my arms because I wasn't letting go. I told her that I can't leave her in that state, and she only grew angrier. I thought that if I could stand what was happening long enough, she'd eventually be calm. I got pushed, shoved, shouted at. During this time my heart starts breaking into little pieces since I haven't seen her like this before. It was like she was a different person. She was mad like hell, and crying at the same time. For about an hour, she grew calm, and silent. She hailed a cab and we both got in together.
I talked to her throughout the trip back home. I told her that maybe, I should just leave, to save her from the pain of having to overthink frequently. I know deep down she's got these huge insecurities and fears even if she won't admit it, and maybe, if I take myself out of the picture, everything will be alright for her. She no longer has to remember all the pain we went through since I won't be there with her anymore. I was surprised to feel tears when I held her face to kiss her forehead. I hugged her like it was the last time I'd see her, and told her that I still love her. It was the most heartbreaking "I love you" I ever told her.
I don't know if there are other lesbian couples out there who's been through the same thing: huge frequent fights but still managed to be happy together.. She's the first girlfriend I had, and probably the last one I'll ever have. To me, she seems like she's in a pool of negative energy, wanting to swim out but too scared to do so. It hurts me that I can't help her move past her pessimism. It hurts even more that all she sees in me are my flaws. I'm tired, emotionally and physically, but my heart still keeps pushing me to stay strong.
I just need the strength right now. I am totally new to lesbian relationships, but I am definitely not new to the idea of staying strong for the person you love.
We'll be seeing each other later to talk things out, for the last time maybe. Honestly, I'm still hoping that things would be okay. Maybe not now, not later, not next week, or next month. Someday, at the right time, I hope everything's going to be okay, and I can freely whisper I-love-you's in her ear at night again.
"No matter how dysfunctional we were, I loved her throughout, and I will probably love her forever."
-- quoted from fallreins
(this hit me a lot when I read your breakup post :') thank you..)
We just got back together last Friday (Apr26) after a two-week long breakup. Our issue was always the same thing: she has difficulty trusting me. Last night, we argued over something small; something which holds no meaning for me anymore but makes her think that I still haven't moved on from my ex. She always tends to overthink about these things, maybe it's because she was my first girlfriend and I only had boyfriends before.
Anyway, the fight grew worse when she brought up everything we fought about in the past, even the things I thought we've moved past already. It even reached a point wherein I had to hold on to her and tell her as calmly as I can to breathe and relax. She was screaming at me and trying to walk away, she even hit my arms because I wasn't letting go. I told her that I can't leave her in that state, and she only grew angrier. I thought that if I could stand what was happening long enough, she'd eventually be calm. I got pushed, shoved, shouted at. During this time my heart starts breaking into little pieces since I haven't seen her like this before. It was like she was a different person. She was mad like hell, and crying at the same time. For about an hour, she grew calm, and silent. She hailed a cab and we both got in together.
I talked to her throughout the trip back home. I told her that maybe, I should just leave, to save her from the pain of having to overthink frequently. I know deep down she's got these huge insecurities and fears even if she won't admit it, and maybe, if I take myself out of the picture, everything will be alright for her. She no longer has to remember all the pain we went through since I won't be there with her anymore. I was surprised to feel tears when I held her face to kiss her forehead. I hugged her like it was the last time I'd see her, and told her that I still love her. It was the most heartbreaking "I love you" I ever told her.
I don't know if there are other lesbian couples out there who's been through the same thing: huge frequent fights but still managed to be happy together.. She's the first girlfriend I had, and probably the last one I'll ever have. To me, she seems like she's in a pool of negative energy, wanting to swim out but too scared to do so. It hurts me that I can't help her move past her pessimism. It hurts even more that all she sees in me are my flaws. I'm tired, emotionally and physically, but my heart still keeps pushing me to stay strong.
I just need the strength right now. I am totally new to lesbian relationships, but I am definitely not new to the idea of staying strong for the person you love.
We'll be seeing each other later to talk things out, for the last time maybe. Honestly, I'm still hoping that things would be okay. Maybe not now, not later, not next week, or next month. Someday, at the right time, I hope everything's going to be okay, and I can freely whisper I-love-you's in her ear at night again.
"No matter how dysfunctional we were, I loved her throughout, and I will probably love her forever."
-- quoted from fallreins
(this hit me a lot when I read your breakup post :') thank you..)
My relationship was similar. We'd have these huge fights quite often, but on our good days, they were really good. We'd go for a walk and then to a cafe and talk and laugh and wonder around shops and hold hands. It was lovely. But then there would be screaming fits. Crying. Anger. Confusion.
I think your partner needs space. She sounds a little like me. I had a lot of insecurities in my relationship too and it made it all very unhealthy. She needs to get over these insecurities and love herself before you two can really work...but that's just my opinion. You sound very logical about it all so I'm sure you'll do fine :)
Let me know how things go and what you decide to do. Always here to talk if you need it.
So, I read your post and it struck very close to home. It just so happens that I, like your girlfriend, am VERY MUCH struggling with trust and all the emotions that go along with trust. My girlfriend (who is also 15 years my senior) has and still is married but not living with her husband, Our biggest issue in my eyes is that he is still very much too involved. Your girlfriend should count her blessings for the simple fact that you held her while she was screaming at you. You are a keeper.
In order to not make this about me I will get to the real reason I am posting.
I think that if your girlfriend read what you just posted, just by happen-stance and not by you asking her to read it, she would be very much reassured that you love her and want this to work out and that you are committed to her. The simple fact that you are posting your concerns online ONLY for support in helping mend THAT relationship and nothing but...I wish my girlfriend was posting questions and concerns online because I know that would reassure me immensely. If only she would just happen to fall upon this post without being prompted to (as that could then be interpreted as staged)
This is a common lesbian issue. ESPECIALLY when you are with someone who has previously only been with the opposite sex. It really is hard for this side of the relationship to trust not just you but themselves, trusting that they will be able to keep your eyes focused in their direction only What we dont get is that this insecurity is just unattractive and is fact having an adverse reaction-the one we fear most-running you off not holding onlo
I wish you and your girl the best. This too shall pass, and when it does you both need to leave it in the past and agree to not relive every fight every time yo
We're currently in a reparative process right now. I open up to her as much as possible, and she does too. This seems to be working for both of us, as she's starting to tell me things I never heard from her before.
We haven't gotten back together as girlfriends yet, but I want her to feel that she's not alone and the reason I had to temporarily leave is for both of us to let our emotional (and physical LOL) scars heal. I told her that our breakup isn't for both of us to start moving on away from each other, it's for both of us to work out each other's issues without affecting the other too much. I told her she doesn't need someone to walk out of her life again, but someone to stay despite all the storms and be with her to support her no matter what. It made her cry and we promised each other that one day, everything's going to be okay, that we don't have to rush to be together again.
One of the things I willingly did for her was to stop communicating with the people with whom I had romantic relationships with in the past. In addition to that, I stopped keeping things from her altogether. I was scared to open things up with her about my past for fear that she might use it against me, but now that I know that it's okay I open up to her little by little. I hope these things I do would make her feel that I really want this to work. I haven't even been this sturdy with any of my straight relationships. If there's one thing I learned right now, it's that just because something's broken, doesn't mean it has to be thrown away. :)