I’m 23 I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years in March. (Since March 2014) We knew each other from high school, and after high school we started hanging out and eventually she asked me to be hers. I love her so much, she is the love of my life. About a year into the relationship, she cheated on me with her ex, and I found out. I found poem to her and pictures of this ex that she got from her. She denied at first, but then came clean. It was so hard because she was the first real relationship I’ve ever had and I was so heartbroken. But we got thru it. She was so kind and sweet to me while we were going thru shit and I could tell that she actually felt bad. So we got thru it and I took her back. (I never broke up with her to begin with tho.) So another year goes by, we have our little spats, but other than that, we were fine. The thing is, I’ve lied to her about my past because I am ashamed of it, and was in fear of being judged. I wanted her to see me as a good girl, pure in a sense, but not pure. So I did not disclose to her all of my sexual partners from high school. (Girls, yes. But not guys and prior to getting with her, I haven’t been sexual with guys in over a year. Like I said high school.) So I was ashamed of the guys I slept with because I let them have me too easily. My mom was not around to teach me about things that she should have taught me about and I was raised by my great-grandmother and great-aunt. Plus they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses so I could not be open with them about sex and things like that. So I have been with 4 guys. I lost my virginity at 15 (I was in the 9th grade going to the 10th) and by the time I was 17 (in the 12th grade) I already had slept with 4 guys and none of them were ever my boyfriend. So I felt disgusting and just wanted to forget about it. So as the months went by, I started to open up to her, but at my own pace. She did not take that too well. Every time I would open up to her about things that I have done and have not told her about, she would get so mad at me, call me a liar and everything. (I understand that.) (I would lie to her about little stupid shit but I honestly do not know why, it definitely was not to hurt her, but I just did it.) But she still stayed with me. Recently, she “caught me” because she seen that I like a picture in 2014 of one of the guys I had slept with, and I liked a picture of a guy I talked to a while back. (I HONESTLY don’t remember liking them.) But I was not entertaining anyone like I have never cheated on her, she is the only person  who’s touched me since we got together in 2014. I did flirt with a girl which is my best friends cousin at a hotel party but NOTHING HAPPENED. The girl and I used to talk wayyy before her and the girl is not even gay. I was just drunk and I didn’t mean it. But if she flirted with someone, I would say she was cheating so, it’s cheating for me too. But other than that, no one has ever touched me, kissed me, anything. I don’t entertain people like when guys, or even girls try to talk to me, I either curve super hard or block! I’m too into her to ever lay down with someone, still till this day. So after she found out that I liked the pictures, we had a HUGE argument, we fought and she’s broke up with me. She says she cannot trust me and she does not want to be committed to anyone right now. (She has trust issues from her past relationships so I do not blame her for feeling this way at all.) She says that she wants to take things slow, and she wants us both to grow and find out who we are and what we really want. I respect it, because we both are young and got together at a really young age, and I agree but I know what I want. I want to grow myself and stop letting people walk all over me and speak up for myself and take care of myself instead of taking care of everyone else. But I want to grow with her. She has recently started talking to a new girl and sneaking out to see her, hiding her phone from me and everything. But on the other hand, she says she doesn’t want to complicate things because we are trying to figure things out, but why go get to know someone else if you are trying to work on things with me? I don’t get it. She says she’s not having sex with the girl but I beg to differ. Not having her all to myself anymore is killing the hell out of me, I often think of hurting myself, and I even started to cut again. (I would never kill myself, but I do blackout and start cutting.) I haven’t cut myself since high school because I promised myself that I wasn’t going to do that. (In high school I was so depressed without even knowing it, I held everything in and never got to talk about it.) I love her so much and I have never been thru a real break up like this. She says this is a wild phase for her right now and I get it because we did get together so young so we didn’t really get a chance to experience new things.  I just wish it maybe would’ve happened in the beginning of our relationship so maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad. But I understand that she wants to be young so I said that no matter what, I would wait for her. And I honestly would. I do not want to be with anyone else I’ve been with people in high school and I’m perfectly fine with that. She is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I know I am young but I am so in love with her, she is all I want in life. I want to be committed, she doesn’t. And like I said, we’re young so I get that completely. I just am disgusted like literally sick to my stomach imagining her with someone else. I do not know what to do, I am trying to fight for her back but I just don’t think she wants this. I tell her I love her and she says she “cares for me.” So I think her love for me is gone. She says when we get back to a better space, she can cut anyone off to be with me, but I just think she’s going to fall in love with someone and then it’s like I’m assed out because I was waiting for her. (And  what makes this whole situation harder, we live together.) So I have to see her leave out and go be with someone else and I can’t say anything because she’ll just say we’re not together. She is my everything and I want to wait for her I just don’t want to be waiting and it’s all for nothing and she juat doesn’t want to be with me anymore. THAT WOULD BREAK ME EVEN MORE. I cry everyday because I fucked up her trust in me and I just want her back. She doesn’t touch me anymore, she doesn’t tell me she loves me. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve recently started talking to a therapist and she has been telling me everything I didn’t necessary WANT to hear, but what I NEED to hear. I just can’t let her go. I have abandonment issues and it’s really hard. I just don’t want to be the only one fighting for this and end up even more depressed, hurt, and broken in the end. She says she loves me and she wants me to get help and wants us to get ourselves together first, then we can be together. I believe her but then again I don’t know what might happen. She might fall in love or start feeling someone really heavily then I’m just alone again. ANY ADVICE???