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Ok this is a small piece of a story I am writting. I need others opinions to see how it flows.
I am going to shower. That kid may of been small but he seemed pretty heavy by the end of our hike back. My back is aching and my legs feel like rubber. If you want to start the grill when I get out Ill grill us up some steaks. I got up and left Sandy on the couch. Just as I had thought nothing felt better on my aching back than the hot water from the shower. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Im not alone in the bathroom. Through the steam on the shower door I see Sandy getting undressed. As she walks toward me I open the shower door. Sandy looks at me with a shy uneasy smile. I reach out for her hand and guide her in. She reaches up and feels the soap in my short hair. I put my head back under the water and let her rinse it out. I could feel her eyes on my body was her hands worked away at my hair. I stayed under the water longer than I needed to. Finally I grabbed her hands and brought them down to her sides. I slide my hands up her body until I was cupping her face in mine and kissed her softly. I had never heard the sweet sound that came out of her mouth before. I wrapped my arms her body as we kissed under the spray of the shower. Finally I broke off the kiss and came up for air. Sandys eyes were dark with a desire I had never seen before. She was looking at me with a look mixed of begging for me to succumb to her desires and a look of deep fear.
I am going to shower. That kid may of been small but he seemed pretty heavy by the end of our hike back. My back is aching and my legs feel like rubber. If you want to start the grill when I get out Ill grill us up some steaks. I got up and left Sandy on the couch. Just as I had thought nothing felt better on my aching back than the hot water from the shower. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Im not alone in the bathroom. Through the steam on the shower door I see Sandy getting undressed. As she walks toward me I open the shower door. Sandy looks at me with a shy uneasy smile. I reach out for her hand and guide her in. She reaches up and feels the soap in my short hair. I put my head back under the water and let her rinse it out. I could feel her eyes on my body was her hands worked away at my hair. I stayed under the water longer than I needed to. Finally I grabbed her hands and brought them down to her sides. I slide my hands up her body until I was cupping her face in mine and kissed her softly. I had never heard the sweet sound that came out of her mouth before. I wrapped my arms her body as we kissed under the spray of the shower. Finally I broke off the kiss and came up for air. Sandys eyes were dark with a desire I had never seen before. She was looking at me with a look mixed of begging for me to succumb to her desires and a look of deep fear.
Now appreciating how hard it is to write as a post, you still need to structure it better.
Usually we need a little back story, or some more understanding before we head straight for sex. Just like with sex, there needs to be foreplay for the reader. We can't get enthused by the sex between them without feeling sympathetic for the characters. So far we don't know enough about them.
Tidy of the structure. One long paragraph is hard to read and doesn't tell the reader when something leads into another.
We ask questions like, who is the kid? Who are these women? Why is this woman scared? Why is she tentative? What relationship are they in? How old are they? Without some type of information, it can lead to a clinical type of reading.
Be careful to reread your writing and tidy up any errors. When a reader comes across typos or grammatical errors it disturbs the picture they are forming in their minds. It jolts you out of the reading and stops you short.
For example, in a Harlequin romance they have the books mapped out (I know, I know, but they have it down to a science to pump them out)...a few chapters of back story, introduction of the protagonist, introduction of the foil, and then in chapter 3 to 5 they have some sexual action (although not major), then they go on to some conflict, more sex, happiness, greater conflict and separation and then resolution and happiness again.
That's just a snapshot of a particular writing style.
Keep at it, and revise, revise, revise. Just write to get the story out, and then go back and reread it. You'll discover that certain things have to be changed about, other things removed, and yet more to be added.
Good luck...and keep at it!!!
But like she said, keep at it and also remeber to be aware that the reader is not in your head so you have to explain everything to them. Don't add details like the kid unless you're going to explain his significance to the story. It's just confusing otherwise.
It makes so much more sense, and is quite good.
Cheers!
Thank you for reading it for me. It still needs work...but it is coming along.
My name is Grace. I live up here on this mountain lake. My grandparents built this log cabin as a summer home. I use to spend my weekends here as a child. We have all the comforts of home now. Grandpa had them run electric and phone lines up here the summer I went off to college. I am the farthest place from town. The narrow winding road that leads here is seldom traveled by anyone other than me. I still get my share of visitors. The lost hikers and hunters and the occasional runaway teen seem to find their way to my place. The sheriff and I are on first name basis. I have helped Sandy more than once to locate local runaways.
This place isnt much. Its just enough for Max and me. Max is my mutt. She doesnt really look like particular breed of dog. She has a nice fawn colored coat, barks like a hound dog, and has the body of lab. Max herself is a runaway. She just showed up on my front porch cold and hungry late one fall. I never wanted a dog but Max and I get along well.
Sandy usually slept with me when she stayed the night. She wasnt big on ladders and the couch she said was lumpy. I didnt mind of course I minded my manners and kept on my own side of the bed. Tonight Sandy surprised me when we settled in for the night. She asked if she could cuddle up to me, she said she missed hearing a heartbeat as she went to sleep. I rolled to her and opened my arms for her to curl up to my chest. It wasnt long before she was fast asleep. I laid awake for a very long time listen to her breath against me. I finally drifted off to sleep but was awaken in the deep dark of the night to feel of lips on mine. I wasnt sure what to do. At first, I pretend to still be asleep. The lips left mine and felt Sandys hand brushing my hair off my face. When the lips returned, I returned the kiss. I felt Sandy stiffen in my arms but she didnt pull away. I released her from my arms so she knew she was free to turn away. It was a shock when she put her arms around me and held me tight. Her lips just barely touching mine, I didnt know what was going through her mind and wasnt sure I wanted to.