Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
I've been the best of friends with this girl -- B -- ever since she moved in next door to me three years ago... We've hardly ever been apart, and we've always gotten along beautifully. Our minds seem to be wired the same way; we're just so alike in every possible aspect. For the first few years, it was only friendship. But, the past five months, it's steadily grown to far more than friendship. We've discovered a deep adoration for each other, and we've admitted our love for each other. It was awkward and a bit odd at first... She had never had any interest in other girls before me. I had interest beforehand, but had never actually been with a girl. So, it was a rocky, confusing start...
There has been far too much turmoil, though. Nonstop turmoil, that is... I don't think we've yet to have just a moment of peace, together. You see, she's afraid of being public. She believes that if her family were to find out, they'd completely abandon her. And I can understand that. I'm willing to be patient with her. But... I don't know. There are a few problems, here.
First, is a boy -- N. He's a mutual friend of ours with whom we've been friends with since the beginning of this school year. Before B and I were serious about each other, she had a crush on N. B is a very confident girl... When she sees something she wants, she charms her way through obstacles and makes sure she gets it. Whether that may mean being flirty, sultry, cute, cuddly... So, she made the mistake of being all over N for a very long time. Now, even though we're together, N still has this delusion that B is his. Whether they're dating or not, he thinks he's made a claim on her. It's not so bad as it once was... The past few weeks, he seems to have backed off a lot. But it's B who I'm upset with. She, too, has realized that he's no longer quite so infatuated with her. I can tell, every word she says to him, every hug, every contact she makes with him... I can tell that she's still fawning over him. I've confronted her about it a few times before, and she's apologized each time, but done nothing about it. It breaks my heart. Why, just today, she was upset with me -- for whatever reason! She still won't tell me... Anyway, she was upset with me and so, during lunch, she was all over N. She was flirting with him and cuddling up to him, resting her head on his shoulder and hugging her arms around his torso... It was sickening. I was furious. The sad thing is that she sometimes does that with him even when she's not angry with me. I've made it clear that I hate it. I'm sorry if I can't stand seeing her with anyone else! But, no. She has to feel secure by knowing she has him -- that's just who she is. She has to know that everyone loves and wants her to feel good about herself. She's leading him on... She's really hurting the both of us.
But, unfortunately, that's not the end of it. I give her so much. I just love her too much not to. Her happiness is mine. We're both going through a lot, but my problems can't even begin to seem as if they matter when she's upset by something. And so, I act like a sheer idiot, push aside all of my troubles, and focus completely on her. I would be totally fine with this if only she'd return the favor. Again, I've even spoken with her about it, and as she always does, she says she's sorry, expresses her regret, but then does nothing. We're both just so enthralled in her life, and I'm not holding up so well, myself. I have no support from her right now. Both of our full attention is focused completely on her. However, she doesn't even try. She only focuses her pity on herself. I can't help her if she won't help herself. She's not helping anyone, right now; not her, and not me. It's emotionally draining. I can't take much more of it. I sacrifice so much... And then she goes and has the nerve to get upset when I "don't spend enough time with her" or "don't pay enough attention to her". I swear, she's not even thinking about my own morale. Like, there are these horseback riding stables that I go to for one week every summer and a music festival that I do food services at for a week every summer, also. She actually got exceptionally angry at me for going to these two places every year. She told me that I'm leaving her and she'll be all alone and that I don't even care about her. The thing is, I'd love for her to come with me, but she hates the idea of going to either. She's not giving me any options! I'm sorry if I have obligations at the music festival, and I'm sorry if I only get to ride horses once a year. It's just two weeks out of our entire year together! She can't even try to understand how much those two weeks mean to me? I do so much for her! I get nothing in return.
The miserable part is that, the nights we're alone, when she cuddles up to me and holds my hand and tells me she loves me... And I hear her sweet voice and smell her hair and think, "How could I ever deserve someone as beautiful and talented and brilliant as she is?" Those are the nights I live for. Those are the nights that tell me nothing else matters as long as I still have her. And it's pathetic; how horrible I feel, but how much I love her...
I'm sorry that this is so long. It's sort of a lot to chew, isn't it? I guess I don't expect much advice. A little bit would be a great relief, though. Thanks for listening.
There has been far too much turmoil, though. Nonstop turmoil, that is... I don't think we've yet to have just a moment of peace, together. You see, she's afraid of being public. She believes that if her family were to find out, they'd completely abandon her. And I can understand that. I'm willing to be patient with her. But... I don't know. There are a few problems, here.
First, is a boy -- N. He's a mutual friend of ours with whom we've been friends with since the beginning of this school year. Before B and I were serious about each other, she had a crush on N. B is a very confident girl... When she sees something she wants, she charms her way through obstacles and makes sure she gets it. Whether that may mean being flirty, sultry, cute, cuddly... So, she made the mistake of being all over N for a very long time. Now, even though we're together, N still has this delusion that B is his. Whether they're dating or not, he thinks he's made a claim on her. It's not so bad as it once was... The past few weeks, he seems to have backed off a lot. But it's B who I'm upset with. She, too, has realized that he's no longer quite so infatuated with her. I can tell, every word she says to him, every hug, every contact she makes with him... I can tell that she's still fawning over him. I've confronted her about it a few times before, and she's apologized each time, but done nothing about it. It breaks my heart. Why, just today, she was upset with me -- for whatever reason! She still won't tell me... Anyway, she was upset with me and so, during lunch, she was all over N. She was flirting with him and cuddling up to him, resting her head on his shoulder and hugging her arms around his torso... It was sickening. I was furious. The sad thing is that she sometimes does that with him even when she's not angry with me. I've made it clear that I hate it. I'm sorry if I can't stand seeing her with anyone else! But, no. She has to feel secure by knowing she has him -- that's just who she is. She has to know that everyone loves and wants her to feel good about herself. She's leading him on... She's really hurting the both of us.
But, unfortunately, that's not the end of it. I give her so much. I just love her too much not to. Her happiness is mine. We're both going through a lot, but my problems can't even begin to seem as if they matter when she's upset by something. And so, I act like a sheer idiot, push aside all of my troubles, and focus completely on her. I would be totally fine with this if only she'd return the favor. Again, I've even spoken with her about it, and as she always does, she says she's sorry, expresses her regret, but then does nothing. We're both just so enthralled in her life, and I'm not holding up so well, myself. I have no support from her right now. Both of our full attention is focused completely on her. However, she doesn't even try. She only focuses her pity on herself. I can't help her if she won't help herself. She's not helping anyone, right now; not her, and not me. It's emotionally draining. I can't take much more of it. I sacrifice so much... And then she goes and has the nerve to get upset when I "don't spend enough time with her" or "don't pay enough attention to her". I swear, she's not even thinking about my own morale. Like, there are these horseback riding stables that I go to for one week every summer and a music festival that I do food services at for a week every summer, also. She actually got exceptionally angry at me for going to these two places every year. She told me that I'm leaving her and she'll be all alone and that I don't even care about her. The thing is, I'd love for her to come with me, but she hates the idea of going to either. She's not giving me any options! I'm sorry if I have obligations at the music festival, and I'm sorry if I only get to ride horses once a year. It's just two weeks out of our entire year together! She can't even try to understand how much those two weeks mean to me? I do so much for her! I get nothing in return.
The miserable part is that, the nights we're alone, when she cuddles up to me and holds my hand and tells me she loves me... And I hear her sweet voice and smell her hair and think, "How could I ever deserve someone as beautiful and talented and brilliant as she is?" Those are the nights I live for. Those are the nights that tell me nothing else matters as long as I still have her. And it's pathetic; how horrible I feel, but how much I love her...
I'm sorry that this is so long. It's sort of a lot to chew, isn't it? I guess I don't expect much advice. A little bit would be a great relief, though. Thanks for listening.
as i read on i see where there is the mutual friend, behavior she demonstraes that u find hurtful,,,, all i can suggest in a calm honest, respectful conversation with her,,,,,, she doesnt like you doing the things u enjoy by being away from her, talk to her, acknowledge that u were doing those things when u first got together and follow through w the things that u enjoy, espect is a part of any relationship and being the unique indivual u r........ her hesitancy toward coming out to her parents, if she is a teen as u r i can truly understand so much of this post.... u didnt meantion her age but u did mention school and what hard years they can be,,,,,you both are living in the yrs of changes, finding out who you are as well as the other peerrs around you, Not to minamize what u r saying in anyway.... sounds like u have a difference in personality and that u r a lesbian where im wondering if she may be bi?? (has this been talked about). teens are for the most part focused on themselves and their goals and immediate needs,,, it sounds like she is being a teen, yes she is ding things u find annoying and hurtful, does she know this? it sound like she does, is she looking for assurance from you in some way? is she seeing her behavior when she is upset as a way to see u show jealousy, im not saying its right, but i am trying to look at things from a 1 yr old view point,,,,, the teen years, hormones, not being sure what shel be doing min from now or even a yr from now, peer pressure, family expectations.... i think communication on a honest respectful manner is so important and to addres issues before they happen,,,,, if u dont know if she is bi maybe ask her and she may not even know...... itd be so hard to be a teen right now,,,,, maybe other teeens or young adults can have better insight, may i ask u to ry to see the positive, and the things she has shared w you,,,,,, ad te ways in which your relationship has grown, and trust e no relationship is without challenges,,,,,, i think u both share something special,,,, u have a choice to make and take time for you,,, to follow your interests,,,, to be true to you and u can do that and yet love her very much... having a relationship doesnt mean not being true to yourself,,,,,,,,,, i wish u both all the best,,,,, KD