Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group

This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.

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fallreins 09/03/2016

three days ago i split with my girlfriend of almost 2 years.

she has a drinking problem which she won't admit to - she drinks at least 3-4 rums or beers a day, and triple that come the weekend - and she started to do things like cancel on our plans to go and drink, or leave me hanging around for her until she finished her drinking. she works at a pub so this doesn't help the situation. she sometimes 'goes into her own head' because she feels like she has accomplished nothing as she gets closer to turning 30, but she won't actively try to change anything in her life. when she gets into this rut, she becomes distant and rarely speaks to me, or makes any kind of effort for me. i know she doesn't do it on purpose - she is literally the nicest, most wonderful human being i have ever met - but no matter how many times we sat down and talked about these issues, they would never change.

it came to a head one night when she wanted to ditch our plans to stay at the pub, and i got very angry and fed up of it all as at this point it had been going on for months. i have also been ill lately - in and out of hospital - with my mental health, which i know was really tough on her. she said it made her feel a little trapped, looking after me. in the end, we never really went out together, or even acted much like a couple...we rarely kissed, and sex was out of the question...

besides all of this, she treated me so well when she was around. the best i've ever been treated. i just want to pretend this never happened and have her back in my arms. we both cried so hard when we decided to split. i saw her at the local pub a few days later and i ended up briefly speaking to her, which was hard.

i just miss her so much and i want to know i did the right thing. she asked me when we were having this chat; 'can't we just pretend everything's fine?' but i can't anymore. i was getting repeatedly hurt.

i have dealt with 3 large breakups in the last few years so i'm practically a pro at it lol, but i just want some reassurance and maybe a little advice...:(

Blond1 09/04/2016

A quick reply now as I know how awful it is to be left waiting at a time of crisis. It sounds like you both need support and maybe couples counseling could help. I would also question that you do end relationships too easily maybe - every partnership has its problems and if you love her and it sounds like she is good to you (best you have ever been treated?) it's worth trying to help her. She stuck by you with your mental illness, shouldn't you stick by her for another go? That said its not easy to deal with alcoholism if the person does not address it themselves. Would you take her back if she agreed to go to AA or get some other professionals help? I assume you girls are having sex again now you are better? Maybe there was a good reason she wanted to ditch your other plans like a lack of confidence to see certain people or tiredness due to working hours Etc? At least she stuck by you and sounds good and faithful? Might be worth not giving up on her... Also if you do get back avoid plans to go for a drink and choose things like the gym or bowling or take up a hobby like dancing or tennis or learning a language together. Drink like mental illness is a symptom not an end in itself and try to support her to get help to get to the real root of her problems probably from the past she is still processing. Above all encourage her to communicate instead of blanking out with booze. What career would she really like? Can you help her to go for it even back to college it's never to late - 30 is young she can start her own business even...But those are just first thoughts. All the best PS I updated and added in other thoughts. Let us know what happens x

fallreins 09/04/2016

hi Blond1,
the problem is, we have had this conversation countless times. i have asked her about her drinking, i offered to help her look for other work, i even wrote her a cv. she refuses most help because she says she wants to do it 'by herself' but then she never actually will. she hates doing anything that equates to any kind of responsibility or change...she wouldn't even fill out her passport forms so that we could go on holiday.
i know she hates being stuck the way she is but she said she doesn't think she will ever change. i think we both need some space to figure out who we are and what we want...i really hope it isn't the end, but i think that's how it has to be right now. i have tried to be there for her, but she won't let me (or anyone else) in...she just closes herself off and refuses to let anyone help her. it's very frustrating for me because i really want to be there, even now. getting her just to leave this little town we are in was hard enough. trust me, i tried everything to keep this relationship because i still love her and i still don't want to let her go...it hurts so badly.
even when my mental health got better we didn't have sex, no. my mother told me we acted more like friends. :( it was all too hard, and i don't think we could see another way.
i hope one day we get to a place where we can both do better by each other, and ourselves.

fallreins 09/04/2016

i was never happy anymore, it felt like every time we hung out was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. i didn't give up on her without a fight, we'd been going on like this for months...and i tried. i really did. :(

Blond1 09/04/2016

Well do whatever feels rght. But don't let your mother persuade you that it seems you are just friends as mothers can be homophobic sometimes lol. But if on top of all the other issues there was no sex still then some space makes sense... A lot of relationships don't make it past 2 years after the honeymoon period is over and the real work starts. But in this case it sounds like you did the best you could and maybe when you have both sorted yourselves out more there might be another chance in the future... Otherwise take care to find someone who loves themself and is not a victim wanting rescuing. And then pushing you away when you try to help. Find someone who you can be an equal with. Also moving away from small town life is good. Do stay in touch - inbox me on messages if you want to add as a friend.

radgal 09/05/2016

I highly encourage you to run to an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is for friends, families and loved ones of alcoholics.

Regardless of where you to are in your relationship, you can help you AND her by going to Al-Anon. I know firsthand the intensity, love and pain of loving someone who drinks. I have loved alcoholics for a very long, long time, drunk and sober. I am an alcoholic myself.

Please go. Believe that I believe that you will help your mental health and her by going. Google
"Al-Anon Family Groups" and go to a meeting. Meetings are free and you can probably find a women's meeting and a lesbian meeting as well.

Vanillasky82 09/06/2016

Hello there from the other side of the globe and I want you to know you did the right thing.

I have had a very similar experience about 5 years ago. I was with an unrepentant alcoholic who was depressed about her life and I too tried to help her. However it was during one really epic incident of her alcoholic meltdown that told me it was time for me to go.

You see, you cannot help her unless she wants to help herself. I am sorry about what you have to go through. I can totally relate. It would be best to focus your energies helping yourself. Take care :)

fallreins 09/06/2016

hey Blond1, my mother can't be homophobic as she is engaged to a woman lol! i am hoping this break will make us both stronger as individuals and i did say to her that i hope it isn't the end for us.
small town mentality is terrible, and so is living here sometimes. her place of work is only across the road from my house! >_< thank you for that, i will add you :)

radgal - thank you! i will look it up. i am sure there will be some in my area. i didn't know that kind of group existed and i work at a doctors surgery so you think i'd have knowledge of them!

vanillasky82 - that is exactly what i needed to hear, thank you. it's hard because obviously i still love her, and she with me, but i couldn't stay anymore. it was damaging us as a couple and us as individuals. thank you, thank you, thank you <3

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