Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Tomorrow is my initial appointment seeing a therapist.
I know that I have A LOT of issues and topics that I need to cover, but one of them that Im feeling conflicted about has to do with my ex gf. I'm not sure I'm going to like being with this person, or if it's even going to help, but I decided I need to at least try.
There has/is a lot going on between my ex and myself, but I think that eventually I may want to do some sort of couples counseling with her IF we try to get back together because of failures we encountered. To be honest, I think she needs to become aware of her inner issues and insecurities because in many ways they destroyed what we had and she can't see it. She needs to address her issues and work on herself. I cant really do much more work on myself when it comes to repairing our "relationship" because I feel she has to catch up to me. I do not know how to promote this (other than tough love since thats all that seems to work).
Because of everything, I don't even want to try again because I don't have faith that she won't have the same issues as before. This last week seems to be better than last, but I don't trust it. I feel this way partly in the fact that I told her to join SupportGroups.com but she claimed that the feedback wasnt doing her any good (which I understand to a degree) but I also believe that a lack of willingness to work on herself is also a contributing factor.
I plan on asking questions tomorrow (maybe) about this, but was hoping that some of the ladies in this group may have insight as well. This person does do couples therapy, which is one of the reasons why I was initially drawn to her months ago when I looked into counselors.
How have you gone about bringing up couples counseling in a lesbian relationship? Any tips or advice on what to keep in mind when pitching this to your partner? Or even tips on encouraging them to get help for themselves? Also, any tips on how to go from seeing a counselor privately and then opening up and sharing said counselor with your partner via joint sessions?
Thanks for any input and sorry for rambling.
I know that I have A LOT of issues and topics that I need to cover, but one of them that Im feeling conflicted about has to do with my ex gf. I'm not sure I'm going to like being with this person, or if it's even going to help, but I decided I need to at least try.
There has/is a lot going on between my ex and myself, but I think that eventually I may want to do some sort of couples counseling with her IF we try to get back together because of failures we encountered. To be honest, I think she needs to become aware of her inner issues and insecurities because in many ways they destroyed what we had and she can't see it. She needs to address her issues and work on herself. I cant really do much more work on myself when it comes to repairing our "relationship" because I feel she has to catch up to me. I do not know how to promote this (other than tough love since thats all that seems to work).
Because of everything, I don't even want to try again because I don't have faith that she won't have the same issues as before. This last week seems to be better than last, but I don't trust it. I feel this way partly in the fact that I told her to join SupportGroups.com but she claimed that the feedback wasnt doing her any good (which I understand to a degree) but I also believe that a lack of willingness to work on herself is also a contributing factor.
I plan on asking questions tomorrow (maybe) about this, but was hoping that some of the ladies in this group may have insight as well. This person does do couples therapy, which is one of the reasons why I was initially drawn to her months ago when I looked into counselors.
How have you gone about bringing up couples counseling in a lesbian relationship? Any tips or advice on what to keep in mind when pitching this to your partner? Or even tips on encouraging them to get help for themselves? Also, any tips on how to go from seeing a counselor privately and then opening up and sharing said counselor with your partner via joint sessions?
Thanks for any input and sorry for rambling.
Some things you need to know, its entirely possible your counselor won't agree to do couples counseling because its a conflict of interest. I did it once, after much wrangling with my counselor, and I later regretted it. If you like your individual counselor, than let her suggest a good couples counselor for the two of you, if that is what you decide to do. But giving up your personal counselor isn't the best idea, i would rethink that and make totally sure. Not to worry, i'm sure your counselor is going to go through all this with you before she agrees to anything. I would ask you consider her misgivings.
As for suggesting your ex go to individual counseling, that will be suggested by a couples counselor, especially after some issues between you two came up. Let that couples counselor make that suggestion so your ex doesn't get mad at you. Let your counselor play the role of "pain in the butt" t her. This way you remain non-confrontational to her.
As for how you bring it up, try just asking, don't beat around the bush, just ask if she would consider going to couples counseling to help you work through some stuff. If you tell her its because she needs it, you will turn her off. Focuson yourself and she will likely be willing to help out. In the end, she's going to get some work done on herself and some doors opened for her as well. But keep the focus on you until after you get in there, it will change rapidly enough.
good luck...
sometime the best councaling is to get yourself help and move away from from a realtionship . when going to councaling you have to have your heart and mind in it . if not, it wont help. best of luck
Yesterday when I went in, I thought it might be a good way for get my ex the help she needs. The ghosts from her past haunt her and I'm beginning to think that she has zero drive to fix them. I shouldnt have to hold her hand and tote her along in my sessions. If she wants help for herself, she can get it on her own time because Im done feeling like her parent.
After last night, I think that I am going to just keep my counselor to myself. When I got home from an educational seminar my ex tried talking to me about something and it just exploded. After everything that happened in those series of events, I really am considering changing gears and completely tossing the notion of anything in the future for us. I dont want to go into details now, because I may write a different post about it, but Im really feeling the aftermath of it today.
Im looking forward to my appointment next week. I need some support and Im hoping a 3rd party perspective will give that.
AJR: I am definitely starting to think that way. I have been trying to help her and get her to work on things and she just hasnt done squat until after I forced the break. Im so tired of feeling like a parent and Im not going to sabotage my future on a what if with her.
I actually almost cried twice due to questions she asked, and that was HUGE for me because I can never cry. So when she triggered my eyes to tear up I was really happy that my emotions are there. Most of the time I feel like Im not allowed to have emotions or to express them. So knowing that when I walked in there everything was willing to come out, I was really happy and it helped me be optimistic that this may work.
Well you go about it just like ANY relationship, lesbian has nothing to do with it. Your ex needs to reach a point in her life where she feels she needs help. Dealing with past trauma or abuse or whatever is making her insecure. She has to be ready to deal with WHAT made her feel this way. YOU SHOULD incourage her to talkt o someone. Esp. if you love her...people need a push sometimes. Maybe she would benifit from indivi. therapy first...then transisition into couples once she has learned the skills she needs to be happy and love herself. Good luck
I dont think shes at a point in her life where shell address her issues or even be able to see them. I honestly dont know if she ever will be. I have encouraged her to see people or seek help through sites, but she just doesnt seem to have the drive or willingness for it. I forced us to have a break because I knew she needed a push.
It has worked in some ways, but I really dont know if I want to do couples counseling anymore. I was curious about it when I initially wrote this entry, but I dont feel like I want to share my counselor now. I have a lot on my mind (we had a meltdown Friday night) and I need to re-evaluate everything once my mind clears.