Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hi everyone, thankyou for reading my post, I would love your opinion-
I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 months, and I am wondering what to do. She says she loves me, cant imagine her life without me etc and I thought I loved her, she has all the best qualities I could hope to find but but what can I do about these incompatabilities?
I love affection and she doesnt. She says she thinks hugging etc is boring because she would 'rather be out doing something' but I need hugs so she hugs me but I feel like its a chore for her even tho she says its not.
I need foreplay and she doesnt. I need to spend time and have fun and work up to it kind of thing but she likes a quicky and only once then she's done. So again I feel like I am taking up too much of her time and energy when she has to spend longer on me.
I like affection and chatting and texting but she doesnt. She will quickly call me from her work between customers (we dont live together yet and so only get to see each other twice a week so we email most days) but by 7-8pm she has her phone turned off becuase she is 'over phones' by then and going to sleep.I feel like there is a time limit with everything but its not her fault with the sleeping, she has to sleep due to a health problem which makes her tired .
I have spoken with her all about these things and she is trying hard to change herself because she said she cant imagine not being with me. How long do I give it? Is it too early to make any decisions? Can I adjust? Am I co dependent?
What are your thoughts?
I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 months, and I am wondering what to do. She says she loves me, cant imagine her life without me etc and I thought I loved her, she has all the best qualities I could hope to find but but what can I do about these incompatabilities?
I love affection and she doesnt. She says she thinks hugging etc is boring because she would 'rather be out doing something' but I need hugs so she hugs me but I feel like its a chore for her even tho she says its not.
I need foreplay and she doesnt. I need to spend time and have fun and work up to it kind of thing but she likes a quicky and only once then she's done. So again I feel like I am taking up too much of her time and energy when she has to spend longer on me.
I like affection and chatting and texting but she doesnt. She will quickly call me from her work between customers (we dont live together yet and so only get to see each other twice a week so we email most days) but by 7-8pm she has her phone turned off becuase she is 'over phones' by then and going to sleep.I feel like there is a time limit with everything but its not her fault with the sleeping, she has to sleep due to a health problem which makes her tired .
I have spoken with her all about these things and she is trying hard to change herself because she said she cant imagine not being with me. How long do I give it? Is it too early to make any decisions? Can I adjust? Am I co dependent?
What are your thoughts?
I've learned quite a bit in life, and I've finally arrived to a point where I am convinced that we can be attracted to and participate in a relationship with quite a few different people ~ for quite a few different reasons. However ~ the Life Partner is the Unique, Compatible one, who is more like us and 'fits' us like nobody before.
Of the Same Tree - but of a Different Branch....
doesn't mean that your most compatible partner will have every single thing in life in common with you. Nope. We are all individuals, and all our differences are gorgeous and fun. Mature relationships come with understanding that we all have faults and quirks. It's up to each of us to decide what can and will not live with.
You have to weigh your own personal set of standards, as if on,... my personal favorite, ...the Libra Scales. On one side put all the things you really like about her; then put her Lack of Desire for hugs, extended phone use, and foreplay on the other side.
What do you have? Which side is heavier?
Enjoy the challenge. Life is short ~ nobody's perfect, and the only thing for sure is change. What you question today, very well may not matter, or even exist tomorrow.
((hug))
I can only offer you my advice which is stemmed from my experience, but I know you will get a lot of good advice from the women here.
I am a very affectionate person, both in giving and receiving. When I got involved with my ex she told me she wasnt very affectionate, but in the beginning I didnt see it. We were in the early stage of our relationship when things were new, and she would hold my hand and kiss me and we were intimate frequently. However after we moved in together she started to withdraw. She was in grad school and would tell me she needed to study. I learned to deal with it because I thought that she was preoccupied with school. I thought that she would have more time with me once she finished school, but nothing got better. I accepted her as a non affectionate partner. If I wanted a hug I would have to lift her arms around me. During those 11 years I would get frustrated with her lack of affection and intimacy. It made me feel unloved and at times made me question my love for her. It caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I tell you this because we were together 11 years and she never changed. She was never able to show affection, and I never stopped wanting or needing it.
As for your gf not wanting to talk on the phone. I can understand that. I work/talk with people all day long and sometimes at night I just need to shut down and have some peace and quite. Also, I dont like talking on the phone, so if I am going to talk to someone I would much rather talk in person than on the phone. So her turning off the phone may just be a way for her to get a little peace and recharge herself. For her this may not be something that has anything to do with her feelings for you. When you are together does she talk with you? She just may not like talking on the phone, or she may be tired and need some peace.
With my history, my advice for you is to take some time to think about what you can live with and accept in a partner, and what you can live without. You have to think about the effect her lack of affection and intimacy will have on you. If you are thinking about a future with this woman, then you should really consider if this is something you can give up entirely. Because maybe she can change and become more affectionate, but this may be something that will never change. Do you want to still be having these conversations with her years from now about this? You have to consider can you change and be someone who lives without affection?
I am not trying to discourage you from continuing a relationship with this woman. If she offers you everything else you want and need in a partner you should continue your relationship with her. Just know what you can and cannot accept and live with. I lived without affection for too long, and I wont live without it again. If affection is something that is important in your life, you have to decide if you can live without it?
I dont think you are co-dependent. Some people need/want affection, and some people dont. You need/want it, its who you are. She doesnt, its who she is. Can either of you change? Sure if you work hard at it. Do either of you want to change? That is something only you and her can answer.
Good luck to you.
I very much agree with PBemm44 here. And though I agree also with what MsTeri writes, that each person comes into our lives for a reason, the situation may ultimately come down to what can be lived with and what is not going to work on a Partnership level. It might be that you and her are meant to be Family-Friends, steadfastly and deeply there for each other in support and care, but not on romantic, Partner levels. You know what I mean?
I have to admit, I can relate so very much to what you shared. When my Wyfe and I first got together, she asked me outright what I felt about sex and I told her "I can live without it." Though it felt very scary for me to be that honest, I felt I had to be. Unfortunately, it turns out, she didn't believe me. The matter of sex has caused tensions in our Partnership. Over time though, she seems to have come to a place of acceptance and I suppose chose my qualities of loyalty and trustworthiness over my lacking in the sex department. Bless her heart.
I wish for you all kinds of good luck in dealing with the situation, and prayers for Blessings your way, 'An it harm none, Blessed Be
Toni~AyniaNightFish...
...Family With My Beloved CroneLunaWulf And All Our Kindred Fur, Feather And Fin Spirits....
Now I just have to get through that horrible aftermath when you feel lonely and bad, I feel so crappy even though I am the one who ended it. I guess I just soooo didnt want to hurt her and I have. She is a beautiful person and didnt deserve it but at the same time I cant lie to her or string her along thats no good either (sigh).