Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Things with me and the "gf" have been really up and down as of late. There's a crapton of issues that I don't want to go through, but Friday I talked to her and basically said that we needed to take time apart and regain some independance to prevent a codependant situation from forming.
I used the analogy, we need to become seperate things that become stronger when they work together. A simple example of this is cooking. You need a stove and a pan to cook something. They are two seperate things, but when combined can help make something better. She finally stopped freaking out when I explained it like that, but it's still stressful for me.
Some info: We live together and it's usually me that pays the bills. If she pays me for her half (we agreed to split 50/50) it's usually 2-6 weeks after she's supposed to pay it because she doesn't work as much as me. She's 19 and I'm 24, I'm more experienced with relationships. She's super emotional where I am emotionally quiet.
Any tips on healthy ways to work on ourselves while sharing the same living space? Friendship wise we are pretty okay, it's relationship stuff that we suck at.
I used the analogy, we need to become seperate things that become stronger when they work together. A simple example of this is cooking. You need a stove and a pan to cook something. They are two seperate things, but when combined can help make something better. She finally stopped freaking out when I explained it like that, but it's still stressful for me.
Some info: We live together and it's usually me that pays the bills. If she pays me for her half (we agreed to split 50/50) it's usually 2-6 weeks after she's supposed to pay it because she doesn't work as much as me. She's 19 and I'm 24, I'm more experienced with relationships. She's super emotional where I am emotionally quiet.
Any tips on healthy ways to work on ourselves while sharing the same living space? Friendship wise we are pretty okay, it's relationship stuff that we suck at.
In case I didn't explain that well, if you earn $50,000 a year, and she earns $20,000, having her pay 50% of the bills just isn't going to work.
As for the having time apart, you are right on. If she and you both don't have outside interests, eventually there will be resentment and anger. Each should have friends they hang with, things they do outside of the relationship. If not, after some time, there is little to talk about because you both are in each others face constantly.
Sometimes the biggest problem between couples is communication, not that you are not having it, but that each come from different places and use language differently. Phrases are unique, something means one thing to the first and something entirely different to the second. It might be a good idea to get on the same page as far as meanings of things. You said, she flipped out until you explained about the stove, so to me that suggests a possible communication breach or barrier. It might help if you can express yourself, then have her regurgitate back to you, how she interpreted what you said. This way errors can be picked up before they become blown out of preportion, and more importantly, as you do this more and more, you will learn each others "language".
I had a gf move her (to new england) from chicago, and our biggest wall, was the language use of each area. For example, in the midwest its called pop, in NE tonic. The first time I used the term wicked, she was insulted, but her in the northeast, wicked is an expression of "cool" or "immensely" ...something or other. It's not used in the midwest, or any other part of the country in the same way. So language can be irksome sometimes, if only for the misunderstandings.
Not sure if this is going to help at all...but its a try.
Before she moved in, we agreed with what to do if she didnt have as much money as she thought. Yet she still doesn't do any cleaning 90% of the time except occasionally loading the dishwasher and taking the trash out every two-four weeks. I'm willing to compromise but she needed to have put in effort.
She hasnt really made any effort to make friends. I tell her constantly to do stuff with others but she doesn't do things. I do make a point to go out and have my own interests. I know her expanding her horizons would do a lot of good but I can't force her to do anything.
Communicating is one of her weakest points. I've told her that for months. I've also told her to get on support sites to work on her issues but she hadn't used them for months. She doesn't do anything unless I prod her to. I have a really hard time taking to her about my feelings because she's so super emotional to the tiniest of things (I'm more withdrawn and logical). I've tried to learn her language and all that. I've had experience in more relationships and almost got married so I feel like I've done everything I can.
We have the language bumps too lol. To me it's pop and to her it's coke. I know communication is the biggest problem here. Man, I wish I could just give her two years to grow up and learn then try again but it's just a dream.
Thanks for responding. It does help me feel better.
I think you hit it right on the head, it has to do with maturity. You are right on saying you needs to grow up, and you and I both know you can't force someon to do that. But maybe you can make her more accountable taking part in the care of the house, why should you do more than your fair share when you work more hours than her. Not that we should measure inch by inch, but cuttin her all that slack just might be allowing her to sustain her immaturity in this regard. You have every right to expect her to meet you half way on house care, and even attempting to earn money.
It always helps to have all the facts. You're not out of line in your frustration. On the other hand, she might just want to remain immature...have you asked her about this? It seems like she wants a mommy and not a gf. I feel for your situation and you are totally correct that she could work more hours to make up for the financial deficit. Who knows, in the end, you might have to chalk this one up to experience, unless you can get the message out to her. Sorry i wasn't too much help.....
You are helping me with your response. :) With all of this, I want people to tell me if I am thinking rationally or if Im out of line. I need outside help and you are confirming what others have already told me, which helps me accept the truth.
I know that it has to be due to immaturity and lack of life experience. Its something that Ive already learned through trial and error, now its her turn. I do deeply care about her, but its not fair for me to have to do more than my share to keep things running. Im thinking that things falling apart like they have is my last resort to teach her the importance of these things because I feel like nothing else has worked.
Tonight I talked to her about the bills and her working, trying to explain that if she just worked 20 hours a week how it could change her life and mine (because shed pay bills on time and be able to save money up). I also talked to her about how there are options out there for jobs that will keep her schooling in mind, and also called her out on the fact that she should have gotten the lead out sooner on some things. I could see her get agitated and pissy throughout the talk in various parts of our discussion, but she did good to not lash out. She needs to realize what the reality is with her life and what shes done.
I have said in the past that I felt like her mother and not a gf. She did not take kindly to that if I remember correctly. I would love to ask her a question like that, but Im not sure she would actually listen to the question and would instead just lash out at me.