Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
I would like to start off apologizing if what I am about to discuss offends anyone. I just need a little advice and am not sure where else to ask. My wife is a very private person so I figured this open forum would be better than discussing with someone in our area. Here goes... I have been together with my wife for almost 8 years married for 2. I thought not being able to touch her female parts during intimacy would change after she began to trust me more. I had been sexually assaulted as a child/teen so I found that to be completely understandable. Unfortunately for me, I had to end up opening up about some of what happened to me during those years after a few nightmares and due to feeling uncomfortable trying a few things in the bedroom. She wanted to try something that was a complete no no for me but after a while I figured I would give it a shot for fear of her thinking I didn't trust her to back away when I said enough. She has never mentioned anything like that happening to her so one day I posed the question that if we were able to afford the operation if she would be interested in transitioning. She stated she didn't want to be a man, that she was just a stud and like dressing and carrying herself a certain way. I, of ocurse, have no problem with that as I feel in love with her as the person she is not with the way she carried herself or dressed. I am, unfortunately, now craving the things she refuses to give me. I want to be able to touch and please her in the way I feel I should be able to as a lesbian woman. I married a woman for a reason but I feel like I am stuck with a man without her truly being one full time. I had a hard time opening up after what happened to me so I have only been with her. I knew I was attracted to women for a long time but due to the way I was raised I ignored that part of me for a long time. Am I being petty? Should I ignore my wants? Do I hold on beliveing it is a trust issue and that one day she'll let me in? Is that just something that is normal for a stud? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
As for your history, I'm sorry about your past assaults. Did your wife know these things she wanted to try with you were "no-nos"? If not, you need to be honest with her about what you want in bed. Additionally, you need to be honest about what you would like to do to her in bed.
I think that one of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming they can change the way their partner behaves once they are married.
The bottom line is that the two of you may very well be sexually incompatible. Stuff doesn't magically change when the marriage license is signed. If the two of you can't work through this, you might be better off splitting up.
To the second part: Yes, she does know what I considered to be no-nos in the bedroom. I made the decision to try something new because I didn't want her to feel as if I didn't trust her enough to even give it a go.
As the years go on, it feels as if sexually we drifting further apart then anything else. I did not expect marriage to change behaviors on either on of our parts but I guess I expected it to bring us closer together though. To open more trust with us. Hope this gives a little more information.
Your wife's behavior has changed pretty dramatically over the years. Since she's not owning up to any hidden feelings of being trans, I'm afraid you will have to ask her why she has changed in the ways she has, not wanting to be touched any longer. As a lesbian, you want to be able to have access to her body, the way you had access when you first got together.
As for her performing the "no-no's" on you...that's not what sex is supposed to be about. She should be wanting to please you, not making you uncomfortable. If she is still performing those activities, I would call those off and seriously, ask for an honest and open talk about the changes in your sex life. You both need to lay your cards out on the table and work through this in an open way in order to get past it.
It may be that you two have just morphed into entirely different directions. I can tell you from my own past experience, I have spent too much time in earlier relationships either being celibate or not pleased...and it wasn't worth it. If she won't work on this, I recommend that you move on.
Please keep us posted, and best of luck to you, ToneL.
I was raised to believe marriage could not be undone unless someone cheated. I had never really been with someone willingly like that and she was my first woman. That is actually why it took me so long for me to agree to marriage. She is my first love though and is everything I want and need in a person. She makes me feel secure when I can't do that for myself. I don't like thinking this way but sometimes I ask myself if all of this was purposely done. Why are these issues coming up now versus earlier on in our relationship?
She knows my stance on marriage and knows my submissive nature. It would be easy for her to play on my submissive side but then I feel like backtracking with my trust issues when thinking that way. Is not being sexually compatible enough to leave a marriage? Serious question..
As far as the no-no's go.. I feel like she thinks she is pleasing me in the process. Again, I did give the go ahead in not wanting her to think the trust wasn't there. As much as it embarrasses me to say this, (can't really get anywhere without being completely honest) I am quite the pushover and am willing to try almost anything to make sure she is satisfied. I can't fault her in my submissiveness but am willing to discuss my uncomfortableness. We will see how things go..
Thank you again.