Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
I've posted before but I am still in need of some non bias advice. Well I'll jump right into it..
I've been with my other half on and off for 12 plus years now..in a few months it will be 13 years. We both are 30 and we both are lesbians. I have two children that she has taken on like her own.
So I work a lot and I have a strong work ethic belief. My other half on the other hand has not really lived on her own and has not had too much time to survive on her own income and handle adult life decisions or problems. So maybe that is why she does not think working hard is a requirement for success.
She has had anger problems where she would push, shove, throw things when she would get upset about something we were discussing (she didn't punch or slap but who gives a crap its still unacceptable). I gave her enough passes to where I told her its either she gets help and stop or we are over. She didn't get helped but she stopped for a time period. They became more and more spread out to now its been about a year or so. She says she has changed so much for me including her anger (why doesn't she see that wasn't for me...that was for HER).
I don't think she thinks about how her losing her job effects us because she knows I'll pick up the pieces and we can at least depend on my check. She calls in constantly and is AWFUL at managing money. I'm willing to help/teach her but she just takes offense..maybe its the way I come at her? I don't know anymore. I can just say lets do the budget together and she is already off into a mood of annoyance.
- She doesn't take attendance seriously at work, because she calls in quite often. In the last 8-10 months she only worked one month where she didn't call in at all.
- I asked her for her goals in the next year, she gets upset and takes offense to me asking. She just says she is trying to survive day to day. That bothers me she has no goals and she is 30.
- I try to have conversations about our future and make plans and she acts annoyed
- I took her to a party thrown by my VP and she flipped out on one of his close friends because he was joking with her about her home state. So embarrassing and she still says she was justified in doing so...
- I tried to tell her what I need in our relationship and she says she is doing that and giving me that. I said I would like to her compliments every now and then she asked am I going to look any different. Am I going to do something different for her to give compliments...well that hurt. But to her of course it wasn't meant that way...
- She is a more dominant one of the two of us and wants to be that "role" but she is not interested in taking care of home and family with actions. She says she wants to provide but the job thing..she doesn't show it. She is not into paying bills on time unless its not to hear my mouth. Things will get cut off just because she forgot to pay it.
- She has cheated but says because I wouldn't give her sex...but she fails to see what she wasn't giving me...she still says she was "wrong but I should look at the reason she did it"...and I should why....
I guess I could go on and on but am I being too picky? Am I expecting something that is far fetched? Any advice is appreciated. I'm at a lost on what to do with so much time has passed and we have a "family" that I hate to break up.
I've been with my other half on and off for 12 plus years now..in a few months it will be 13 years. We both are 30 and we both are lesbians. I have two children that she has taken on like her own.
So I work a lot and I have a strong work ethic belief. My other half on the other hand has not really lived on her own and has not had too much time to survive on her own income and handle adult life decisions or problems. So maybe that is why she does not think working hard is a requirement for success.
She has had anger problems where she would push, shove, throw things when she would get upset about something we were discussing (she didn't punch or slap but who gives a crap its still unacceptable). I gave her enough passes to where I told her its either she gets help and stop or we are over. She didn't get helped but she stopped for a time period. They became more and more spread out to now its been about a year or so. She says she has changed so much for me including her anger (why doesn't she see that wasn't for me...that was for HER).
I don't think she thinks about how her losing her job effects us because she knows I'll pick up the pieces and we can at least depend on my check. She calls in constantly and is AWFUL at managing money. I'm willing to help/teach her but she just takes offense..maybe its the way I come at her? I don't know anymore. I can just say lets do the budget together and she is already off into a mood of annoyance.
- She doesn't take attendance seriously at work, because she calls in quite often. In the last 8-10 months she only worked one month where she didn't call in at all.
- I asked her for her goals in the next year, she gets upset and takes offense to me asking. She just says she is trying to survive day to day. That bothers me she has no goals and she is 30.
- I try to have conversations about our future and make plans and she acts annoyed
- I took her to a party thrown by my VP and she flipped out on one of his close friends because he was joking with her about her home state. So embarrassing and she still says she was justified in doing so...
- I tried to tell her what I need in our relationship and she says she is doing that and giving me that. I said I would like to her compliments every now and then she asked am I going to look any different. Am I going to do something different for her to give compliments...well that hurt. But to her of course it wasn't meant that way...
- She is a more dominant one of the two of us and wants to be that "role" but she is not interested in taking care of home and family with actions. She says she wants to provide but the job thing..she doesn't show it. She is not into paying bills on time unless its not to hear my mouth. Things will get cut off just because she forgot to pay it.
- She has cheated but says because I wouldn't give her sex...but she fails to see what she wasn't giving me...she still says she was "wrong but I should look at the reason she did it"...and I should why....
I guess I could go on and on but am I being too picky? Am I expecting something that is far fetched? Any advice is appreciated. I'm at a lost on what to do with so much time has passed and we have a "family" that I hate to break up.
You're probably heard that Love is never Enough. I believe this based on my own struggle of forcing incompatible relationships to work.
It's very cool that you've been speaking your mind and telling her honestly how you feel about the state of the connection. Based on what you've said, she's unresponsive. When I say unresponsive, I mean, in these last 12 years she has grown into the adult she is going to be .....for now.... in this phase of her life.
She's not you and that's OK. She doesn't feel the same way about responsibility, life or relationships that you do. The problem isn't that she is a bad person, the problem is during these 12 years, you have grown and flourished into a different person. The compatibility between you both has ebbed and flowed out the door and you feel it the most because you've changed the most.
This happens and this is why the divorce rate is so high. We grow and change in LTR's, and if we don't do it together, ..we get lost from each other by going our own way.
This situation will require quite a bit of thought and patience. You have to weigh the pros and cons of your connection; visually see whether the current foundation can withstand a major overhaul - because that is what its going to take here.
Your partner needs to 'feel' how serious and unhappy you are. Being passive and repeating the same behaviors over and over will not send the proper message, so I'm thinking its time to sit her down and seriously - honestly - brutally share how you feel. The cards will fall where they may based on this revelation, but if you still love and adore her, please consider marriage counselling sessions - the final frontier of any responsible person in a connection that has slipped away.
Be strong and true to yourself. Follow those instincts that are screaming inside. And no matter what you decide to do here,..be kind, patient and respectful to her in full honor of the time you've had with her. You both are heading for one of the biggest changes of your lives. (hug)
I worry that this will only get worse as she has no reason to change, because her needs are currently being met. If you try to change her, it will backfire as she will view this as controlling her. Obviously at this time in her life she is unwilling to grow up and help take care of the family, automatically putting you in the position of parent who has to be the responsible one. She will continue to resent this, putting an even larger wedge in your relationship.
12 years is a long relationship to lose, but unless she shows a willingness to stop blaming you for her mistakes, stops relying on you to be the responsible while she has the fun and spends the money, and begins to grow some understanding of the need to work consistently, you will be unhappy in the imbalance of the relationship. You don't mention how the children feel about what is going on, and I do not know how old they are, but they will be affected with whatever you decide. Does your partner treat them as you want, or does she cause problems in this regard by either spoiling them or going behind your back? Things to consider.
Bottom line is I personally do not think you are being too picky. These differences, the cheating, blaming you, her work ethics and fiscal responsibility are major issues that will make for a very tiring load on your shoulder if they continue year after year. They all show a lack of respect towards you and will eat you up over time. Any one of these things would be a serious issue but so many?
Personally I would be a lot more upset regarding the issue of her cheating. As she has only blamed you, what is her motivation to not do it again? She took no responsibility for her own actions and did not consider what this would do to you or your relationship and does not seem to have any remorse from what you say. Is cheating acceptable to you? You only mention at the end as almost an after thought.
I know this is very difficult after twelve years, but what about after 20 or 30 years when things have not changed for the better? I also believe that you should approach the issue of marriage counseling with your partner prior to a break-up. It is possible that she might start understanding your needs as well and treat you with more respect. Although as I said before I am somewhat pessimistic about this due to her lack of her willingness to look at things from your point of view and blaming you. But before making such a life altering decision I would try anything possible first. I wish you all the luck in whatever you do decide for you and your kids,