I dont know whether this helps but i'll post it anyway. maybe it will make you understand more, it kind of makes sense to me, because some of the things i get jealous for, where there is no threat, i think its just an automatic, instinct, habit, what ever you want to call it, feeling that just happens. here it is........



***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"Well I feel like I am always trying to prove my gut
instincts right. It makes me feel unloved when I get
this way. Yet I have never had any reason to prove
my partner is doing anything wrong."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

This is a problem we've heard over and over, especially
when there are jealousy and trust issues.

Before we get into some practical tips, we want to help
you get really clear where your "gut instincts" are coming
from--because they may or may not be reliable information
to pay attention to.

According to a recent study from the journal "Nature
Neuroscience," when we have gut instincts, we may be
accessing memories we're not even aware of.

So if you have been cheated on in the past or found out
that your parent cheated, you may have absorbed those
memories into your subconscious mind and probably
your conscious mind as well.

You might not even be aware of where these "memories"
came from.

When a situation comes up that triggers a recognition of
something from a past memory that may not even be
conscious--maybe your partner working late or even talking
with someone in a quiet voice on the phone, your gut
instincts kick in and you get that old, familiar feeling of fear
and dread.

You feel like you have to be hyper-vigilant because it's
just happening again.

You feel like you'll be cheated on and left--again.

So if your gut instincts draw on memories, conscious
and subconscious ones, when do you act on them and
trust them and when do you disregard them?

The truth is that sometimes your gut instincts really do
serve you and you need to pay attention to them--but
how do you know the difference?

When do you know when to listen and when not to?

What do you do with your gut feelings if you choose to
ignore them?

Here are some pointers to help you decide whether to
listen to what your gut is telling you...

1. Identify if maybe what you are calling your "gut instincts"
might really be voices of the ghosts of the past that you
may be hearing in your head.

We're not talking about mental illness here, we're talking
about what we call our "self-talk" (we all do it) and what's
interesting is--sometimes this "self-talk" can be
pretty negative about our ability to find and keep love.

Because of experiences of the past, you might tell yourself
that you aren't lovable, everyone cheats, you have to be
constantly on the look out for signs of cheating--and if you
let down your guard, it will happen.

So, take a moment and listen to whether you're hearing
negative, head-based self-talk or something else.

That's not to say that you aren't feeling real sensations
of probably fear in your "gut" but it is saying that these
sensations may come from what's going on in your head.

If you're listening to negative self-talk and you know this
talk to be unfounded in the reality of your current situation,
you can change it--and you do it by challenging one
thought at a time.

2. Listen to your gut when you can see some signs to
substantiate it, especially if you have a history of allowing
unfounded fear to rule your life.

If you actually see signs like these, then pay attention:

--your partner is avoiding you or is choosing other activities
rather than being with you

--criticizes you or fights with you more frequently

--talks a lot about a co-worker or a friend of the opposite sex
and you're not feeling close and connected

If you see signs like these, it's time to talk with your partner
about your relationship and what you'd like it to be--and some
ways to improve it.

If you need some help with communication, check out our
"Stop Talking on Eggshells" program at
http://www.StopTalkingonEggshells.com

If you don't see these signs and know that you are creating
the turmoil inside you, take some steps to stop it.

Besides taking the time to actively change your thoughts
each time they come up, you can learn some breathing
techniques that will help you to stay in the present moment.

It really comes down to if you want to keep re-creating false
fears in your body and then acting on them--or if you want
to choose freedom and to change.

Change can happen--and it can happen one moment at a
time.

So what about your gut instincts?

Your "gut instincts" can be your best friend or they can be
your worst enemy--and they can change from moment to
moment and day to day.

We suggest that you pay attention to your gut instincts through
a filter of whether there's any evidence whatsoever to back
up your feelings or not--and whether they have led you down
the wrong path time and time again.

These gut feelings might be showing you what to pay
more attention to or they could be the places that need to
be healed inside you so that you can enjoy the love
that you want and deserve.


Our best,

Susie and Otto Collins

this is very interesting ms. ripley...i had not really thought about it before. i guess i could say that my gut instinct in this particular situation does stem from what's happened to me in the past. but really i've only had a couple serious relationships and only in one did he seem to be with a lot of other girls while with me. i don't know if that validates all these feelings or if it's things that have happened when i was very young that i can't seem to recall.
or maybe it's the weird dreams i have of both of them planting false memories...i don't know. but definitely interesting to think about. thank you for posting this! :)

I completely trust my fiance to be faithful to me and to be honest with me, but I still get jealous. I even decide he would be better off with someone else when he hasn't done anything to provoke it and get jealous about that! It has only to do with my self esteem, that I think I am not pretty enough, interesting enough, funny enough, not talented in the right way, too fat, whatever. These are my negative thinking patterns, not what he thinks about me. I am starting to make a list of the positive feedback he gives me, so when I am insecure I can look at it and remember what he likes about me, because when I'm in a negative frame of mind it's hard to remember anything good.
The worst thing is that when I feel jealous and insecure, I feel even worse for feeling that way. It is such a yucky way to feel, I think it makes me unlovable. But our vulnerabilities make us human and in a way it is because of them we are lovable. Try not to get angry or defensive or to pout, but let him know you need some reassurance; we all want to feel needed so it might bring the 2 of you closer.
Don't hate yourself for your fears, instead give yourself a little extra love and find a way to laugh at it if you can. Best wishes!

Im so glad I am not the only one! I can totally relate to you. For me I think it is an insecurity thing, so I need to work on my self worth and start believing in my value. It is a hard thing to do. I started keeping a journal and every day I write something I like about myself, not just looks but inner stuff. I have found it very confirming of everything I am, not everythig I am not, like when I compare myself to others.I don't know if that resonates with you but if it does maybe you could try the journal too. I wish you luck learning and growing.
Laura