Congratulations on your progress and your continued efforts, I'm sorry you don't feel like he notices your improvement, but at least you can see your improvement and that is what matters most.

found this, might help.



***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"I am certain that my husband is the 'Problem' in our
marriage because of the way he communicates
negatively and messes things up and he is certain
that I am the 'Problem' in the relationship.

"How do we find out 'who' is causing the bad
communication, but I need to know who is causing
it because I only get upset at the way my husband
talks or handles our problems and not at the actual
issue itself.

"How do we find out who is causing the problem
even though I know we shouldn't put the blame on
each other, but I'm certain our relationship would be
better if my husband handled things differently."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

What a wonderful question!

We don't care how "enlightened" and "together" you
are--

At some point in your life and in some relationship
(maybe more than one), you've had this very same
thought.

You may or may not have voiced it--but you sure
thought it.

We know because we've certainly been there--
even in our own relationship!

This thought we're talking about is...

"If only he (or she) would do this (or stop doing
this), everything would be okay!"

Well, if you've ever had this thought, there's good
news and there's bad news.

The good news is that because we all have
different experiences and approach life differently,
it's pretty "normal" for couples (even those deeply
in love) to look at the other person as being the
problem in their relationship.

What happens most of the time is...

If things don't seem "right" in your communication
or relationship, you then start looking for all the
possible reasons why.

When you start running down all the possible
reasons, your mind (which loves to attach to stories)
finds a story it can believe, attach to and hold on to
and guess what?

It's just like looking for the robber who just robbed
the bank--you, anyone or the police would naturally
assume that the person who just fled the bank as
the alarm was going off was the robber.

Just like when there's a problem in our relationships--
we first look at ourselves and say "I didn't do it". or
"I'm not the problem" because what we said or did
makes logical sense--to us.

When we figure out that we couldn't have had
anything (or not much) to do with a communication
breakdown, we naturally start looking at the people
we're in relationship with and think...

If I'm NOT the problem, then it must be my partner,
spouse or lover.

We rationalize--they're the one that's causing the
problem.

Or so we think.

This is a scenario that plays out over and over
in almost every relationship and it's what we call
the "blame game."

Since it's so normal--it's very "fixable."

The bad news is that in order to "fix" the problem,
one or both of you have to let go.

It's like you're both holding onto a rope, with your
feet firmly planted, bodies tensed and pulling with
all of your might in two different directions.

No chance of getting the connection and love
you want when this is going on!

In fact, just the opposite happens.

You get further apart.

It's not uncommon for one person to get tired of
pulling so hard and just give up--letting the rope
go or giving in.

While they might have let go of the rope or given
in, they have not let go of anger, resentment and
the feeling of being right.

So even though one person "wins," no one really
wins because the two of you never truly come
together and re-connect.

And if you both won't let go of the rope, holding on
for dear life, it's just as painful for each of you.

So what do you do when there's a stand-off
and you don't know what to do?

The two of us remember a particular situation
that used to come up between us again and
again.

Like our Reader, Susie thought the way Otto
communicated was the problem.

You guessed it...

Otto thought the way Susie communicated
was the problem.

Here's the way it usually worked...

Susie: "Otto's tone of voice was condescending
and makes me feel like I am stupid."

Otto: "Susie's controlling and she makes me feel
like it always has to be her way."

It didn't matter who started it or what the particular
problem was, it was a stand-off and both of us
felt like we were "right."

So how did we get out of it?

First of all, it's never easy to stop doing what you
are used to doing.

Old patterns are automatic and rule us whether
we like to admit it or not.

So we're not saying it's easy to get out of your
or our blame game.

What we are saying is that you have to find a way to
communicate what's going on within you or what's
important to you without blaming that other person.

We give you dozens of practical ways to communicate
your truth without blaming in our "Stop Talking On
Eggshells program that you can download here...
http://www. StopTalkingOnEggshells.com


And here's the thing...

To get out of it, you have to want connection
more.

It just takes one to let go of the rope--but let
go of it without anger and bitterness.

So the first thing the two of us did, that we
recommend you do, is to change your question.

Change your question from "who" to "what."

Instead of "who said this" or "who did this," shift
your attention to "what" is coming up inside for
both of you.

You might be saying, "I might be able to do this
but my partner won't"--and you might be right or
you might not be.

All it takes is for you to stop blaming what he
or she is saying or doing and admit what
thoughts you are having about YOU.

Separate them out from what the other person
said or did.

In other words, own them because if you're
really honest, they were there all the time.

In our situation, we saw that no one could MAKE
us feel a certain way--and that was a huge
realization.

Then we told each other the thoughts and feelings
that were underneath our reactions.

When we started listening to each other, we
quickly realized that how we appeared to the
other person didn't match how we were feeling.

Susie didn't feel "controlling" even though she
may have come off that way and Otto wasn't
feeling superior, even though his voice sounded
that way to Susie.

We began to understand each other a little
better.

We began to understand what we each do
automatically when we're triggered--and how
that is perceived by the other person.

And this was NOT how we thought we were
coming off.

We realized how we played off each other
to create our particular stalemate--how we
both "puffed" ourselves up when we felt
like we were in danger of not getting our
way.

Even though it was all an illusion!

Was this a deal-breaker in our relationship?

Maybe not a deal-breaker but it certainly
could have destroyed our relationship if
we had allowed it to stay that way.

So one great question to ask yourself is
one we heard a very wise person ask...

"How are you setting it up for this person
to behave in ways you don't like?"

Hint--look at your reaction when you get
triggered from your partner's point of
view even though you might not think
you're doing anything.

If you start answering this question for
yourself and making some new choices,
you'll see your blame game start to dissolve.

And you'll see your love and connection
deepen right before your eyes.