I used to be paranoid about where my wife was when. But the fact is, if she wants to cheat, she'll find a way. I can't prevent an affair or indiscretion by constant monitoring, and frankly, I just don't want to be that guy.

If she cheats, she cheats. I don't want that to happen but I'm not going to let the possibility (and there is always a possibility) to ruin any more of my days.

wow, i would like to be that confidant, Prince
Feels like I want to be that way.

I even feel bad if I worry that he may find somebody else attractive, beautiful, pretty or desirable. As if that means that I am not worthy or desirable or valued!
I have had some possessiveness with some close friends too in the past where I took their approval of me to define my self-worth.
the rest of the time, I come across a little as strong and independent; until I open up emotionally to close relationships...

I have opened up last week to let home go to his aa meetings
the gym
as well as watch two shows he likes...his favourtite ones...I don't think he wtached any other really. I have been not watching my favourite shows until we heal this issue around this. To be fair to him, if I didn't let him watch a show due to jealousy, I refrained too.
Now I get to watch my chick flick shows:)
and he gets to watch. I do feel a little uncomfortable with the big pictures that come up, on the site but he said he does ot bother about it and won't look at them much.Its a little freeing.
Whats bothering me is that since I have been making progress and opening up and feeling better and stringer and independent about myself, I have become more and more acutely aware of his side in the relationship. Previously I was too busy worrying about MY jealousy to be clearly aware of it. I can see now how his verbally emotionally abusive behaviors, secretiveness, irresponsibility etc caused a lot of valid insecurity in me and how he needs to change. With my improved self-esteem, my tolerance to disrespectful behaviours or meanness or angry outbursts, bullying, belittling...any of these negatives, seems to have gotten much lower. I certianl feel like I am worthy of some real love, respect and security nd feel OK about being on my own, if the situation arises. Yet I love him a lot. Hopefully he will change now. He has FINALLY decided to see it more clearly and heal. My increased confidance and no-nonsense approach to his anger issues seems to have rattled him. I am willing to be loving and supportive partner. Yet he must be earnest about making the efforts to treating me better and healing his issues.

he is joining the gym today...and will soon go to meetings...
i will come here if i get anxious and keep my resolve to let him free and trust in our love

well a new turn of events. After receiving written agreements about his gym and aa activities, he is gong to the gym and I trust him and not much problem. I ask him on occasion about being mentally faithful to me etc. Not much. Its been a good cange forward.
With his AA meetings though, he had promised no physical contact or hugs with any women at all under any circumstance.
Anyways, I ended up going to an Open AA meeting by myself (something we had planned to do together once-a-month)...I went as I wanted to go do some group work and did not fin an alanon that night.
At the AA meeting were two women, one younger and somewhat attractive and one older . I was uncomfortable and felt upset about the idea that my hubby could be sitting around/next to one of these women or looking at them. I decided to minimize these thoughts and feel secure and trust. At the end of the meeting though, the older woman I felt threatened by got up to give away some sober coins. And one could tell (in my perception) she was making some dirty joke which was shocking to me, and gyrating her pelvis and showing off her butt and putting her pelvis out in a provocative way. I did not like that at all and hugged a man who was receiving a coin. Getting out of the meeting I left in a highly upset fit. I also saw that the men and women held hands during the prayer and felt upset that my husband would not consider it 'physical contact'? I asked him how he was planning on getting out of that part and he said he was not planning to. I was upset that he wrote for me 'no physical contact whatsoever,' and had said that there might be an exception if some old lady came over to hug him. So this is clearly physical contact and he did not mention to tell me about it. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he tried to include it in his exceptions. Maybe its not such a big deal. But whats big deal to me is that he wold not mention it openly and say, ' hey this happens in a meeting and be clear and open about it'.
I felt less trust around him.
I also cannot stand the idea of him being in a closed meeting where I am NOT allowed and feel left out and jealous. Especially if he in a room where there are other women and then also hold hands and stuff like that.
Seeing this slutty woman made me have a big reaction like I have not had in a long while.
I felt jealous and like I was regressing.
My husband was very calm and supportive that night. Which is pretty good. He has changed much of his reactive an abusive patterns. But this issue has upset us. Now instead of fighting me, he was been upset and withdrawn all day. Especially after I told him I was upset about this holding hands business, him not telling me and that I would want to go with him. I would not want him to go to these mixed meetings anymore by himself and took a step back from my stand.
I am not trying to convince him to let me attend meetings with him and we pray and do the steps together and heal (for me from my jealousy addiction). I would want to sit next to him and not let him hold hands with any woman at least for now. I need this for this time or I get disconnected or in pain. He goes to a mens meeting once-a-week yet thats not enough meetings for him. He is sober for several years now. I want to support him to stay sober but not get jealous myself!!

It seems like you are not looking at the big picture. Your husband is in AA and is clearly trying to fix something in his life. I know how difficult it is to have such intense jealous feelings, Jealousy can make people very selfish, and from an outsiders perspective you are being selfish. Your husband seems like he needs support, not a contract not to touch other women. Maybe you should focus your energy on trying to help your husband heal..

well alcoholism can also make people pretty selfish. So if I try to find way such that we BOTH heal, whats so wrong in that? Why must I be one to support his recovery and he not support mine? We both ahve issues and addiction.s We BOTH need to help each other heal. If I have to help him stay sober, he has to help me stay calm about jealousy. I accept no way he would be allowed to hold hands with another woman. That has nothing to do with his recovery. He is sober for several ears now while I am trying to recover from jealousy. And unlike alcoholism, its not a single-minded goal-like stop drinking or stop feeling jealous. My goal is to only stop being unhealthily jealous. I don't see any reason why my partner must watch porn or hold hands with a woman in a closed meeting where I am excluded. These are closer to my values than my jealousy.
Even after I completely heal from irrational jealousy, I don't see myself being happy or cool with my partner checking out somebody else or cheating in anyway. No.
All I want is to stop feeling jealous when nothing is happening.
So far as I know if we both can be helped by attending a meeting together, why not? I don't want to be selfish, yet I don't want my recovery to be dismissed. In fact I was just starting a thread on the Jealousy 12 steps program about 'giving' and not being selfish in the relationship. I don't believe this comes in that category at all. There is a line for me between being giving and being walked over. This fees less like giving and more like letting my recovery be overshadowed by his. Which is not healthy for me.
Thanks for the suggestion anyways. I am open to hearing new points of view.

You are irrational. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can become less of a jealous person. I was a jealous person for a while. Not to the extremes that you describe, but it is something that ruined relationships. I finally accepted that I was being ridiculous and I am a MUCH happier person. Also, I did not say you need to help your husband get sober, but you should support him in his recovery. Putting extra stress on him by getting jealous over such trivial things is not going to help you or him. You are blaming your jealous behaviors on everything and everyone but YOURSELF. You need to focus on controlling YOUR behavior, not HIS. If you don't like this feedback then I'm sorry. You should not post questions on this site if you don't want honest feedback. People can say "I know how you feel...its okay...you aren't doing anything wrong", but it will not truly helpful. I hope you take some of this to heart, because I truly believe people who have jealousy issues (like myself) are control freaks. We work so hard on trying to control the environment around us and don't focus on changing out own behaviors.

Hello gibes
I feel that its not very nice to be so harsh...calling me selfish was a bad start, and then calling me irrational now. Infact I had an update on this forum as I have been too busy to write, that I agreed to let him go to meetings but walk out before the holding hands part of the closure. I also was open to going to meetings where there are alanons alongside AAs. I figured that the meetings near my place are all Open. So I am actually allowed in there. The only issue is if he feels uncomfortable being with me which may inhibit his sharing as one may feel shy around family members...I am not sure...
Either way, your posts seem to come cross as hostile and judgmental. I am happy for you having overcome your issues.
I certainly am not seeking validation and agreement. Again, making those types of accusatory type statements are not very helpful. As people suffering from various degrees of this disease know, its not because we choose to be afraid or upset. I experience an actual physical and emotional reaction. I don't have to push myself too far in any situation and expect not be judged for my issues. Atleast on this forum. I come here for helpful support and sugestions. I also open up and vent. People here feel bad about their issues already, Its not helpful for someone to receive hostlity or judgement about it. I do appreciate your toughie truthful helpfulness.
Maybe you missed out form my posts that hubby is sober for several years now. He has already recovered a long time before I met him from alcoholism. Right now I am the one with a problem. I can feel comfortable and not anxious with him going to a mixed closed meeting. I am Not comfortable him holding hands with a woman. And thats OK with where I am. Maybe it will change. Right now this is where I am and I am OK with who I am today. Thanks.
I am open to receiving feedback and also can take what works for me and leave the rest. Nobody has to judge me or anyone. For now,I request we don't post each other now to avoid creating tensions on the forum. Thanks for your opinions.

I am also having jealousy issues, I meet with a great therapist who we also see for couples counseling. Maybe try that?

Hi missoyab
Thanks. Well an update is. I managed to get a way to get isnurance for therapy and so am starting therapy next week. And also a cuples therapy...maybe once a month...so thats looing good.

An update on this issue: I found open meetings near my house and felt we could Both go and I compromised by letting him hold hoands too. But attend meetings With me. I have been interested in these meetings as well. hubby blatantly refused and id dead against it.
So I went, going for 2 AA open meetings as an observer, getting to undeerstand hubbys background and work in the group for my own healing from the addiction of jealousy/unworthiness. So far I seem to be welcome there. But I don't talk because the group is emant for alcoholism and I don't want to disturb the focus. Since its open. I sit there and empathize. I am beginning to understand a little about hubbys journey. He didn't share much and I have not met any substance-abuse people very much in my life. So it has been a BIG help. And I am going alone.
I also go to an Alanon meeting which i held once-a week in my area.
All the meetings are helping me a lot.
I am working with CoDa online as well.

Last week hubby burst out angryand finally managed to talk aboutw hy he is so agaisnt going to an open meeting with me, even if I promise not to be jealous. I wanted us to go together and thus spend some time together in healing (we live very busy lives and I didn't want us leading paralell lives and meetings taking up the precious few hours in the eve ings we have together..so why not go together...and I get o undrestand and heal too...and I wnat to go too...and still be together doing something helpful to us...)

He said that even if I were an alcoholic and non-jealous wife, he would want to keep his recovery separate...that he woudl not want to go to more than one meeting with me and go tos eparate meetings.
And with me Not being alcoholic and beeing jealous (although I rpomsied I will not say anything), he simply would rather not go than go with me! He is going to one mens meeting each week...which is not enough.

So coming this weekend, we will be making a decision.

I am beginning to understand that its important for him and may let him go. Also trusting him. I am not so sure if he can walk out before the holding hands thing (the painful cultural difefrence, in my original culture men and women don't touch each other generally....maybe a handshake...but mostly non-phsycal greetings). I am learning to see that maybe he wont feel anybodys hands during the prayer in any way even close to him and I holding hands together...
its a little hard. I will agree to let him go to separate meetings. I don't want to be taken for granted though.
I wish he would let me go for One meetinga week with him and promise to go for therapy ( whichhe resists, and he is abusive verbally and emotionally a Lot...does not admit it...sometimes it gets phsyical. Hasn't been lately).
I understand marriage means some compromises...I want to be able to make some and yet not be walked over...I mean both of us have to take a step forward...
So I am open fo compassionate and gentle advice on making this transition as this is sensitive for me and a decision is coming up this. Maybe I will insist he goes for therapy and learn to communiacte better with me which would help me feel more secure in the marraige overall...and then to take me to One open meeting a week...so he learns to include me more in his life while keeping his recovery private...

weekend...

Update on this is:
hubby agreed to let me go with him one day in a week to an open meeting. I agreed to let him go without me the rest of the days.
He said he wont hold hands for this coming week/going to a meeting without the holding hands part.
Works for now.
I may be open to letting him go to ones with holding hands. And go with him once a week with me. And try not to hold hands with some woman if he can. Either way I figured, ( over time), that its not comparable in anyway to him and I holding hands; which is where the problem was. He is pretty nice an trustworthy. So I will trust him and let him do the prayer that way, and have him include me once a week.

But hubby suggested going to a on-holding hands meeting and taking me with him once-a-week.
That works for now.
I will continue going to the meetings I go to myself and starting therapy too.
Grateful that things are working out and for support from hubby...and others here.

FlyinAngel,
I understand how you feel when he goes to his meetings. Have you ever considered going to an Alanon meeting and seeing how it goes? You should check out some meetings in your area and just go to a few and see how it goes. You cannot understand what his meetings are all about until you, yourself go to some that may help you. Good luck!

I just read your other replies and your experiences of the other meetings. That is wonderful! Keep going and it will get better, I promise!