INFIDELTY RELATIONSHIPS AND SHATTERED DREAMS Community Group
This is a place to share the heartbreaks and recovery of broken and shattered dreams from adultry infidelity and other relationship situations. Tell your stories here. you can also tell about relationships you wish to have someday. Tell us how you have survived. This is a place to share the pain and also your recovery from this most traumatic ordeal.
It wasnt' a sexless marriage by any means. We had great sex at least 3 X per week. But, I didn't desire him in the "right" way, the puppy love way that a new relationship fuels. He's been moved out a month. Her husband contacted me. I had suspected, I had confronted and he looked me deep in the eyes and lied. He hasn't had a job in years, been on the couch depressed, smoking weed & drinking and now having an affair with someone 23 years younger than him. We have 2 kids, 13 & 11 who don't understand why I don't let Dad come home. I feel so ridiculous to even consider taking him back. But, I love him and we have been together for 22 years. Am I considering allowing him back because I want to be with him or because it's what I've known for so long? Is it possible for him to change? Have a steady job, not just watch TV & smoke weed / drink? That is my question to whomever is out there- do people really change or do they just do what they need to do for a while and then go back to shitty behavior? Thoughts?
My experience with infidelity happened back in 2005 when I found out about it. It had been going on & off with them for years. I was blind to it, we had been together 13 yrs y that time.
Husband doesn't drink or drug. He just has a SEX ADDICTION! We had sex 2 to 3 times a day before my hysterectomy, then my desire for sex changed.
My Husband is a great man. Gental, compassionate, loving and kind. After the grandkids were born that's all I cared about. We lived in the same house like roommates. We lived apart the first year. We reconciled, got therapy and have renewed our vows.
It's tough, but if there's any
But I do know a bit about people. If your husband doesn't have a solid reason for changing. (like finding God!) then he will not change. He will pretend, or maybe even try to act changed. But if he is depressed, I don't believe he will change himself. He needs meds and a doctor's care. If he is not on anti-depressants, then he is self medicating with drugs. That means, instead of prescription meds like he should be on, he is doing street drugs, and saying he is ok. Except he is not!
And with major depression that has gone on for many years the anti-depressants aren't going to make him normal and a complete change in who he is. It may help him able to cope better with life, but it is not going to give him a work ethic, let alone stop him from being unfaithful.
I really believe in preserving marriages. But adultery is another kettle of fish. It breaks the marriage bond, It leaves you exposed to the hundreds of veneral diseases. Because he is not just sleeping with the other woman, but every person she has slept with, and every person they have slept with Some veneral diseases aren't too hard to treat. Others there is no treatment. So for that reason alone, I would not take him back.
Of course you could try marriage counselling, and only you can figure out whether he is really changing, or just wanting to end his fling and come home, but my thought is that, as I said, right now, he really doesn't have motive to make permanent changes.
I am sorry you are hurting and confused. As for that love, of course what you shared is not going to go away immediately. You can't just shut your feelings off, because he has betrayed you. You need time and distance to grieve the loss of your marriage, your dreams and the man you once loved. So yes, if you take him back, it will likely be more that he was familar and comfortable even with all his faults. But being lazy and depressed is simply not the same as this terrible infidelity.