I completely agree with Tracey! I don't know how many people made comments about me staying with him despite the affair. Uh, no!!! It is such a devastating betrayal and I don't know if I would have had the strength to do the right thing for me had I waited. And he would continue to sleep with us both. In this situation, you just have to figure out what is right for you. I was devastated by the affair but filed for divorce. Once he moved out, I started seeing how he sabotaged me, our relationships with friends, etc. He wanted to be miserable so that he could justify his behavior. He didn't care that he made all of us miserable. We didn't think we could live without him and it has been 8 months - it seems like he was never here. And my kids & I are much happier.

It was suggested that I stay for the money by my boss and three attys. No, way was I staying. In my state the infidelity would work in my favor and I didn't have much time to make that decision. Luckily the ex was overseas and I had a couple of months to make the necessary decisions. I had him served as he walked thru the airport on his way home. I live in a state where you have to live separate for a year to get divorced. It took 19 months to get my divorce.

Why would I stay with someone who managed to wipe me off the company records except for benefits. Then right after the divorce he lied about the divorce date to try to keep me from the Cobra insurance I was entitled to receive.

He lied, manipulated, cheated, committed bigamy and then caused more problems for the past six years post divorce. Wait for what? I don't think so.

Waiting for financial reasons is one thing but suggesting that someone stick around while their cheater "comes out of the fog" or until they are done "grieving their affair partner" is asking them to stay for additional abuse.

I know there are some cheaters (a minute minority) who are actually sorry and don't blame shift but even among those, they were lying for a decent period of time and wait until they get caught. I have said it before and I will say it again. Telling the betrayed to stick around and wait (usually for another affair) is the most craptastic infidelity advice there is.

Chumplady just says it so much better than I could.

Stay with some one who will lie and cheat. No way will I even entertain that thought. Sorry, I deserve and demand better respect and honesty than that. I would rather be poor and struggling than live a life of misery. Now I am so at peace with my life that even when I saw him yesterday, I had no feelings. Nothing. Just a bit of anger or more likely indifference.

knuckle-wish I had been that decisive when I found out. I was one who stayed and received that advice from my family counselor. I wasted an additional 3+ years on someone who didn't deserve for me to waste 3 minutes.

I love that woman.. "Let me bitchslap some sense into you"

I wish I had someone bitchslap sense into me. I wasted too many years on an ass. ..Hoping the bullshit story he told me was true.. Knowing it wasn't.. Ugh. Next time (hopefully there is no next time) I am my own bitchslapper lol.. I am out immediately.

GREAT article.. Thanks for sharing!

great article, love chump lady, she tells it like it is. she (like me) tried at first to reconcile with her CS, but like many (more than some people care to admit) it didnt work. but she is happily remarried to a wonderful man. there is hope for us with someone who doesnt cheat on us, lie to us, manipulate us. and even aside from that, there is hope to be a happy, whole, functioning person all on your own too. as she says, "leave a cheater, gain a LIFE!"

agree with all above comments too. would also say that i wish i'd have come across CL when i first discovered stbxh's affairs. as hard as it was at first to read and digest what she has to say, it really really really is true. and as much as some of it is hard to read, it is also empowering and liberating to read and realize/"wake up." i think it could have saved me extra months of misery, of continued lies, deceit, betrayal, financial drain, false hope, etc if i had seen the TRUTH before i tried to reconcile. it is normal to think upon discovery "oh no, I have to SAVE this marriage." but many BS's would be well justified, and better off, if they did draw a line in the sand right away, instead of burying their head in it. i know my first instinct was to "salvage" things, well my stbxh was/is one of those master manipulators that would still be living here, lying to my face on a daily basis. they look "sorry" on the surface, they know they have to in order to keep their little world afloat. reconciliation is not for everyone, and it certainly is less successful than many would have you believe. long live chump lady for spreading the truth to people who have heard enough lies.

The article can be a good wakeup call for anyone staying who shouldn't have stayed. Some people do hang on when they shouldn't.

I also think this doesn't apply to the general advice I've seen and given on occasion. For I've yet to hear anyone (not saying there aren't people saying it) recommend staying for more than 6 months if the CS isn't doing what they should (totally ignore what they say). Usually I've heard waiting for 3 months. Most people will need that long at lest to prepare and plan an exit, and by then one can usually determine whether the CS is really going to do the right thing or not.

The big difference between discovering an affair and things like embezzlement is the emotional roller coaster on dday. It is a bad day when embezzlement is discovered, but the hurt boss/partner won't experience anything like the emotions a BS will. It's just good advice, in general, to let the dust settle. But it certainly doesn't take 6 months to a year for that to happen. I think it took a little more than a month for me to stop having panic attacks, and wild emotions. They settled into just bad emotions, but began to be able to focus on my job and the like.

Of course, those 3 months should be put to good use. See a lawyer, prepare financially, etc, in case the CS doesn't do what they should. Do the 180 as well, including not having sex again. Waiting 3 months or even 6 doesn't mean sit back and hope for the best. It doesn't mean to take abuse or obstructionism.

So I'd suggest that advice isn't what CL is addressing, but the one that says stay and hope for the best for a year, or two, see if they come around. That just tends to enable a cheater and asks for more of the same. Definitely bad advice.

Thanks for sharing, what a powerful message.

I agree betrayed-she very often delivers powerful messages.

Not everyone is ready to hear them but I think it's important; especially for the newly betrayed; to see messages like this one. It's when you're most likely to take action. When we wait too long we can talk ourselves out of a lot. I was so ready to leave as soon as I found out and had I found the chumplady I would've realized the 'reconciliation' that I was experiencing was bogus much quicker than the 3.5 years it took me.

Most of the time when betrayed spouses stay with the cheaters, they are exposed to more of the same at a later date. Like she says "We're dealing with uber entitled beings". These uber entitled beings are not likely going to lead with humility and do the right thing. The ones that do-are as rare as unicorns.

I like her style of communication: straightforward with a shot of humor to ease the digestion. But her pill is a hard one to swallow for many who are in precarious life-changing situations.

And I agree, it's important for newly betrayed to read something like this, to give a perspective that may differ from theirs. But sometimes we have to trudge through the mud, to cross over to the grassy knoll.

I was remiss to add to my last comment that her mantra opposes reconciliation, and for a newly betrayed spouse it can turn off a lot of taps.

that is true-sometimes we are not ready to hear something until we are ready to hear it.

She doesn't give a whole lot of hope for true reconciliation even in the best of circumstances. She doesn't believe that 'once a cheater always a cheater' but she does believe that once a marriage has experienced it, it is pretty much over. Better to levy the heave consequences and move on. Some are not ready to hear it in the beginning. I get that. It's just so unfortunate that so many waste their time and their lives on people that didn't give them a second thought.

i personally think 3 months is way too long of a period of "waiting" for many people. often there has already been far too much deceit and betrayal, that "wait 3 months" is still poor advice. that is still definitely long enough to settle back into old habits and to start to get a false sense of security, and the "staying" at all in the first place can give many cheaters at least a partial sense of acceptance on the part of the BS.

Agreed happymama-3 months is too long too. The longer we sit in indecision, the more likely we are to stay there. Most of the time our first instinct is to leave after infidelity and it's not that different from when you take a test and want to change the answer-the advice is that your first instinct is your best one. That's also very true for infidelity.