Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband has been home for four weeks since we decided to give our marriage a chance. We loved apart for six months after his affair of a year.
He is unemployed, a disabled veteran and extremely depressed. All of that on top of a rocky marriage is not making me feel good about things.
He tells me he doesn't love me like he used to, that he loves me like a best friend, that he would be better off on his own, etc. There are days where we make progress and other days where I am confused about where I stand with him. He tells me to have no expectations so I assume he means no intimacy so I treat him as I do a friend and that only seems to send us backwards. I fear rejection if I treat him as more than a friend and I also don't want him to feel disrespected.
He has not contacted the OW himself and will go days or a little over a week without talking to her and then she calls. She will drunk call him or call him to just tell him about the dates she is going on and then ask about how his wonderful marriage is going. He insists he only wants a friendship but every time she calls it sets us back. He starts to have mixed feelings again about the marriage and seems to conjure up his feelings for her. He says he can't turn that off even though he has tried. He says they agreed not to talk and then she calls and for hours he tears apart everything she says and then states he should call her to tell her not to call anymore.
He says talking to me about what he is going through is a trap because I just turn or around and get angry at him by saying go to Colorado to be with her and so on. He says I brow beat him and treat him badly and he doesn't think we should be together. I only seem to do that when his past starts becoming his present.
We haven't talked to anyone and he feels that his war injuries have left him as a man who can never love anyone or who is unable to form or maintain emotional connections because of his brain injury.
We will decide to divorce and then he starts pouring his heart out to me about how miserable he is and unhappy and although I feel he means with me he means with life. We will decide that we will work on it but then she calls and it's back to the same cycle.
I don't really have anywhere to go and we've already spent six months apart but I think I need to leave for some time. Not that I care but is it wrong to leave the house? Am I turning my back on recovery by not being there for him as he experiences these feelings for her resurface?
He assures me he doesn't want a relationship with her as he knows she is not good for him but it seems he is still pining after her and it hurts me because I feel he has more of a romantic love for her and not for me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
He is unemployed, a disabled veteran and extremely depressed. All of that on top of a rocky marriage is not making me feel good about things.
He tells me he doesn't love me like he used to, that he loves me like a best friend, that he would be better off on his own, etc. There are days where we make progress and other days where I am confused about where I stand with him. He tells me to have no expectations so I assume he means no intimacy so I treat him as I do a friend and that only seems to send us backwards. I fear rejection if I treat him as more than a friend and I also don't want him to feel disrespected.
He has not contacted the OW himself and will go days or a little over a week without talking to her and then she calls. She will drunk call him or call him to just tell him about the dates she is going on and then ask about how his wonderful marriage is going. He insists he only wants a friendship but every time she calls it sets us back. He starts to have mixed feelings again about the marriage and seems to conjure up his feelings for her. He says he can't turn that off even though he has tried. He says they agreed not to talk and then she calls and for hours he tears apart everything she says and then states he should call her to tell her not to call anymore.
He says talking to me about what he is going through is a trap because I just turn or around and get angry at him by saying go to Colorado to be with her and so on. He says I brow beat him and treat him badly and he doesn't think we should be together. I only seem to do that when his past starts becoming his present.
We haven't talked to anyone and he feels that his war injuries have left him as a man who can never love anyone or who is unable to form or maintain emotional connections because of his brain injury.
We will decide to divorce and then he starts pouring his heart out to me about how miserable he is and unhappy and although I feel he means with me he means with life. We will decide that we will work on it but then she calls and it's back to the same cycle.
I don't really have anywhere to go and we've already spent six months apart but I think I need to leave for some time. Not that I care but is it wrong to leave the house? Am I turning my back on recovery by not being there for him as he experiences these feelings for her resurface?
He assures me he doesn't want a relationship with her as he knows she is not good for him but it seems he is still pining after her and it hurts me because I feel he has more of a romantic love for her and not for me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm sure he didn't stop loving you. He is most likely very confused and stuck as Allora said. He has to work through getting her out of his system - mind and heart. It is a good step that he no longer initiates contact but it's not enough. It's WRONG that she keeps reaching out to him. They can NOT be friends. There are no exceptions. That is very disrespectful to you and your M. I strongly suggest IC for him to figure out why he allowed this to happen and how he will work through his feelings so he can focus on you and your M.
He has to get to the point of feeling indifferent towards her. That will take time. I'm not sure how long the A was, but he will need help to get over her. He's not thinking clearly because she keeps tugging at him. She is being SELFISH. She needs to realize she is helping to destroy your M and needs to back off - but it doesn't sound like she will. He needs to stop taking her calls/txts because he's giving her false hope that they may have something there - even if it's just friendship. She figures he was with her before, maybe with constant prodding, he'll choose her again. He needs to see her actions and intentions for what they truly are.
Don't be ashamed for what you're feeling either. YOU are thinking clearly because you don't have someone testing you, reaching out to you, telling you things. If you feel there is still something there for you and your H, then try and stick it out and see if he will agree to see and recognize your pain, and go for help to clear his head so you can both decide if you want to move forward.
Hugs,
1) The OW will *always* be a threat to the marriage. He caused that by allowing himself to become infatuated with her. Neither he nor you can change that fact.
2) Once a romantic relationship has started, there's no going back to being *just* friends. That line has been crossed and cannot be uncrossed. Even if they never became romantically involved again, the remembrance of and possibility of it happening again hangs as a threat over each encounter.
3) The affair isn't over until NC has been established. He may think the affair ended months ago, but if he is still making contact with her, the affair, even if emotionally, is still there.
4) The only way to "fall out of love," that is, to get over an infatuation is two pronged. One, he establishes a firm no contact with her, including anything in his possession that would remind him of her (photos, gifts, notes, texts, etc.) and putting in mental efforts to not think about her, especially in positive ways. Two, by refocusing his love, energy, and thoughts into how he can reignite his infatuation with you. Staying friends with her prevents his infatuation from dying.
5) As has been stated, it doesn't matter what he feels, it matters what you feel. As my wife said to me, "You didn't ask for this, I did." He's got to man up and take the pain that comes with killing an illicit relationship. He could have prevented that pain by running away from her before it became serious. He didn't, now he has to pay the price of his actions' (or inactions') consequences if he is serious about keeping his marriage. If he cares about you, he'll end your pain you didn't ask for and take on the pain he asked for by having the affair.
In short, trying to remain friends with her will only end one way. Losing his friendship and marriage with you. He is obviously still infatuated with her. His desire to keep some contact is a result of that lingering infatuation and resultant "affair fog" attempting to justify it as merely a friendship now. I hope he comes to his senses before it is too late.
I am hoping that the appointment with a counselor who can tell him what I have been telling him all along, will either get through to him or it won't. He knows that keeping her in his life, will ultimately result in his losing me, and I hope she is worth it- which I doubt that she is.
I think ultimately that is where my pain comes from- his seemingly decision to keep her in his life, even as a friend, seems permanent to me. Whereas, since our marriage is up in the air, it makes me feel like an option. Its almost a role reversal of sorts. I used to be permanent, now she is- and I am the unknown. Of course he throw that, I want you in my life forever, you will always be in my life forever-- but no, I will only be in your life if I am your wife and nothing less. I cannot wait for July 8th to get here, to finally sit down and talk this out with a professional-- it will either be the start or it will be the end. I could be obliviously and its already over, I am just unwilling to accept it.
I think my husband is into the first stage of infatuation- where you are crazy in love, almost annoyingly and cannot keep your hands off each other and all you do is think, sleep and breathe them. When reality and responsibilities start to come into play which will happen in any serious relationship or marriage, then love changes. You see that person with all of their flaws, but you still love them.
He honestly, does not love himself. He finds love in other people- people who build him up, make him feel good about himself, and he knows he needs to change this, to try and love himself- which I don't think he ever has. He feels like some monster, for the things he did and war, but its something he needs to do- loving himself leads to his happiness in the end. But do you stay married to someone while they learn to love themself, because technically they won't be able to love you like you deserve until they do that? or do you divorce or separate during that process, because you don't want to hinder it or get in the way? I dunno... its so many questions all the time...
Only once this week did we have this same conversation... it seems any time I do something that upsets him the slightest he brings up how unhappy he is.. how he thinks its best we are on our own... how its not me... he cannot help that he doesn't love me the same or see himself happy with me anymore...
He said he can't envision us growing old together and being happy like he used to and that stopped for him about a month ago- when he returned home... I told him, you don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you hurt me every time you make a phone call? He still thinks I am obsessed with the affair partner and ignoring our problems...
Sometimes he convinces me he is right... I know we have problems, but they are not problems I think cannot be fixed or a marriage made stronger...
He will have discussions with me, determine we are not going to stay married- and then want to go get food together or something, which confuses me.. or want to hold me... or tell me he loves me.. I tell him this confuses me... he says just because he wants a hug doesn't mean he still wants to remain married.. I explain to him, anything that you do that can be taken as you having feelings for me that are more than friendly, I will take them as hope for us- when I need to accept that there is not...
He was in the shower.. and asked me to come talk to him.. so I come to see what he wants... and here is his speech..
There are a lot of things in my life that I am not happy about, and a lot of that has nothing to do with you. I don't want to fight with you and I don't like your behavior when we do fight- and something has to change. I can't do it anymore. You are a wonderful person, and you deserve to be loved completely, and I fear all I will ever do is hurt you, and I don't love myself, how can I ever love you the right way. You deserve better than me. I don't want a divorce, and I am willing to work on things, but sometimes I feel like I we should just divorce, so I can be on my own and if we come back together down the road so be it...
basically something to that effect...
sometimes I get tired of talking about it.. get confused about real and not real... and then just get more confused.. am I in some kind of weird situation here? lol.. who knows...
What I read that your CS said to you:
There are a lot of things in my life that I am not happy about, and a lot of that has nothing to do with you. I don't want to fight with you and I don't like your behavior when we do fight- and something has to change. I can't do it anymore. You are a wonderful person, and you deserve to be loved completely, and I fear all I will ever do is hurt you, and I don't love myself, how can I ever love you the right way. You deserve better than me. I don't want a divorce, and I am willing to work on things, but sometimes I feel like I we should just divorce, so I can be on my own and if we come back together down the road so be it.
Sounds like double talk - keep you as plan B and guessing nonsense. To me really this is TRUE RAW PLAN B TALK.
almost like he got a book on - "How do I keep someone as plan b" cause crazytown still tastes good - but I'm not sure if crazytown will taste good full time...
Sounds to me like he needs you to make a decision actually cause he can't.... Let him see what crazytown really is like fulltime.
Your decision (after meeting with the counsler) should probably be - ok lets do 6 months to a year of seperation again cause this is nonsense. See how his ears perk up to Plan B leaving him and now he is only left with one option - crazytown.
and then something happens and there we are.. memories flooding back