Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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hardtostay15 04/09/2010

I feel better today. Actually it's been a couple of weeks of feeling pretty good about "Us". My W and I are going through marriage counseling and alot of nightly discusions, and stuff like that. We've actually been to the bottom of hell and back, together and apart. It's really tough to stay with someone who does not find you attractive. Why stay I ask myself all the time. Three adorable children for one. And the fact that I am attracted to her. One sided for sure. I am so frustrated with sex and her "passion" not for me but other men! It's driving me up the wall!!! How do I get control of this?

I know I'm all over the chart right now, but I need to just type for now, not write anything in particular, just type. Type these thoughts that encompass my day, and my entire life. I want to try to figure things out, but another part of me just wants to run away so far and so fast it would make everyone's head spin. I want to be wanted. By someone I want!!!

I do have other women who find me attractive right now. I've lost alot of weight in the last year. So I know I am at least attractive to other women. It's just with my wife, there's such a block there. I wish she would try to work on it and not just go about her business like it's just not happening. I have no idea how or what she needs to do, but just ignoring that it's not there is pretty frustrating.

Any ideas out there?

chriscrx 04/09/2010

I don't have an ideas for you but I almost feel the same although if I ask her out right if she thinks I am attractive she says yes. But the lack of sex states otherwise. Not sure if it's the same situation or not. But hopefully we can work it out.

upsetstomach 04/09/2010

Sorry, no ideas, but I am in the same boat. My husband does not find me attractive, yet is committed to staying with me. He got dumped by his A partner when I found out about it all. She was gorgeous too... I was also heavy and have lost a lot of weight over the past 2 months since their DDay. I am working on me, for me. I know if he can't get back to wanting me sexually, our marriage will eventually end. He says he loves me though. He said he's not attracted to heavy women though. I need to lose like 20 more lbs to be where I suppose he would like me to be. I'm getting there slowly but surely, but I do think it's rather materialistic of the spouses to act this way. Do they not realize that they too have changed over the years and we did not turn our backs on them??? It's a sad place to be and I feel for you and can relate. Sorry I have no ideas for you at this point though.

deleted_user 04/09/2010

How do you know she does not find you attractive? Has she told you this?

"I am so frustrated with sex and her "passion" not for me but other men! It's driving me up the wall!!! How do I get control of this?"

Well, now, that is a major problem, isn't it? If she has "passion" for other men, how can you reconcile this marriage? It is normal to be attracted to other people, but certainly not to the detriment of your marriage, or to the extent of having passion for others. IMO, that would mean she is still being unfaithful to you because, by definition, it far surpasses a passing attraction. It is not up to you to get control of this, it is up to her.

If you are in counseling, this is obviously something that needs to be discussed there. And yes, you are right, of course, that the two of you cannot ignore this. If she is ignoring it, she is not acting committed to rebuilding your relationship and doing everything it takes. It sounds like you are trying to win her back when it is she that should be winning you back. It's all backwards.

Just my .02. I wish you the best of luck!

hardtostay15 04/09/2010

That's what I thought too. Backwards. Thank you all for the replies. Do they make me feel any better? We'll see. I do need to bring this up again in counseling. The topic get downplayed over and over.

And yes she does say that she is not attracted to me. Yes I've lost weight, but now it's something different. So I guess it wasn't the weight in the first place? Hmmmm!

chriscrx 04/09/2010

I really don't get that i mean yea you might have gained some weight but does that really make a spouse become totally turned off?? I think it's an excuse. Covering up the truth.

deleted_user 04/09/2010

Is it getting downplayed when it is addressed in counseling? And your therapist is going along with that? If so, maybe you should consider finding a new one.

deleted_user 04/10/2010

I have found sometimes the most attractive thing in a person is when that person no longer "needs" you. When you start living like you are going to have a good life with or with out her things may start to change. I am not saying being mean but conveying that you would prefer that you work things out with her but if she cant rekindle her desire for you that you are willing to go see if there is someone else out there that does. Not behind her back but after a seperation or divorce. No blame / no shame for her to carry - what is is. But it is not fair for her to live with someone she does not find attractive.
You may find that as soon as you start living like this and conveying this attitude (again not in a spiteful way - but you can fake it) that her world doesnt start to get turned upside down some. I think sometimes we have to make sure that both parties have something to lose in a relationship to get both parties to hold on. Sometimes something you cant have is the most attractive thing. She found you attractive once so we know it is in there but dont give her ALL the cards, raise the stakes some and play your hand. At this point what have you got to lose?

hardtostay15 04/10/2010

I have at times taken that idea with my W. What I need to do is really take it to another level. Not be mean, you're right, but just stop giving the impression that I will jump when she wants me too. She has a lot of power in this relationship - not that it's a power game at all - I just think she controls much of the moods in the house, and in the bedroom. What's difficult for me is that I don't want to be mean to her. But I guess if she thinks she may loose me, she might look at us differently.

Whay does this have to be like this? You want what you can't have? Games, games, games!

deleted_user 04/10/2010

Attraction is a weird thing. It comes and goes. At times I found my W. At other times I didn't. But I never allowed myself to be attracted to other women.

I guess the biggest thing I can advise is to work on yourself. If she isn't attracted to you then that is her problem to a large extent. After all, you said she has a passion for other men, That is seriously uncool and something I would definitely be taking action about.

This is just for me personally, but I would let her know that I will not put up with being a second option, or someone she feels obliged to be with. If she is attracted to other men, then there is a chance she will get with the men she is attracted to.

But it's not your fault, it's hers. You are worth more than this.
You said it man "I want to be wanted".

You are married to each other and that means commitment. Commitment is more than physical. She should be committed to you in her thoughts towards you as well.

I think this 'her not being attracted to you but being attracted to other men' is an issue worth raising with her.

Good luck bro, and you deserve to be loved and desired!

upsetstomach 04/10/2010

Oh, I can totally relate hardtosay... I am so totally in that same situation. I truly just wish I could do the whole act like I am moving on without him, but... I'm weak. I do whatever he wants all the time, it's his world and I am a visitor in it. I need to pull my strength together and start living. My biggest issue is that I don't have too many friends to hang with, so to just go out and do stuff alone is hard. I need to build my friend network and start going out and having fun without him and maybe then he will see that I am not going to be a doormat or just the "mama" around here to cook, clean, and cater to his little needs (except sex with me). It is a very sucky place to be but we are there and it's up to us to change it.

deleted_user 04/10/2010

In the first sentence I meant to say 'at times I found my W 'attractive'. At other times I didn't.

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