Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So my wife had her work Christmas party last night. Had too much to drink and then decided it was a good idea to sleep with her boss.
She obviously couldn’t live the guilt and after a day of feeling sorry for herself told me what she had done.
I didn’t show much emotion and I told her that I still loved her and that we’ll be able to work through it.
This is easier said than done. I fear for our marriage of six years (been with each other for 11) and our two year old son.
I think she is pretty cut up about what she has done but in the same breath she said she enjoy it. When she said that it really cut deep.
I asked if she wanted to leave me and she said she didn’t know. An interesting response followed by I love you and you are a good husband and a good father.
Anyway, she offered to leave the house but I said she didn’t have to as I don’t think that solves any issues.
Question is though where to from here? I guess some form of marriage counselling?
I’m so hurt and disappointed and fearful of what is next. She is like why are you so calm as I didn’t show much. But inside I am churning like no tomorrow. I think she expected me to hit the roof but I didn’t strangely enough.
I really feel lost and confused.
We have 2 kids 13 years old the same amount of time we been married.
She pushed me away for ages when it came to sex but found it easy to just do it with someone else.She has made no appolgy avoids any questions I ask her,We can’t afford and dont have family to move away to.I am trying to keep busy,we have marriage counselling in January but I think she Is just playing along until finds a solution for her and the girls..
Feel for you bro let’s get through this together..
Drop me a message anytime.
On the initial counselling assessment we did they have put down as a domestic abuse case,on 1 hand I am telling them I so frustrated from lack of sex it has made me an angry bitter person,and on her side she is telling me we just can’t get along and we have a communication problem...I feel so beytrayed and I sum it as having a snake around you being all nice and gentle and then bang she bites...
I’m pretty certain that mine was a one off as she couldn’t even last 24 hours before losing her shit with guilt and came clean.
I don’t know whether it’s a good or a bad thing as it cuts pretty deep but she has answered every question I have asked and there have been a few... so at least our lines of communication are relatively open.
She has also apologised a 1000 times, but what I don’t understand is why she doesn’t seem deeply upset about it. She says she just feels empty and numb, which I kind of get but don’t fully understand. If I saw tears on her end then I would feel a lot more comfortable. But without seeing that I don’t feel 100 per cent convinced about her remorse.
It’s now been about 30 hours since she did it so I guess we’re going through the roller coaster of emotions.
The individual counselling is a good idea so we’ll give that a crack first and then carry on from there.
Def getting tested as she said she didn’t use protection.
Individual counseling for both.
It's easy to say for her she was drunk. But if you or me are drunk we still don't cheat. So tgats still something she needs to figure out with a therapist. I also don't think you know the full truth. There must have been some flirting going on weeks prior if not more. No one just ends up in bed witb their boss if there was not some form if tension before.
Positive point is she told you rather than lying. That makes things hopefull.
Vety concerning us her reaction she liked it and she's not sure if she wants to leave you. She must have a crush on this man.
If she wants to make things work witb you she needs to change jobs. Absolutely zero contact. If she refuses she will cheat again.
If he has any higher bosses above him maybe make sure they find this out and his wife as well.
She needs to be 100 percent in to make things work.
Your reaction is normal . Ur in the shock phase that's why ur so calm. The anger still has to come. It's a very long painfull roller coaster. It's taking a very very long time to heal from infidelity and rebuilt trust.
Good luck. No need to make any decisions 30 hrs in. It takes at least a few months for dust to settle. Start individual counseling for both it will help .hugs
Slightly positive thing happened, she finally showed some emotion and broke down in tears and vomited in front of me. Quietly literally sick in the guts from her actions. I have to admit I was pleased to see it as I was unsure of her remorse. After some probing her biggest concern after hurting me and putting the family at risk is that she said she’s scared and worried she might do it again (grass is greener on the other side kind of stuff). That was hard to take as I’m unsure of how to process it:
•Is it her saying yes I realise I have a problem (even though this is the first time) and I need to do something about and not put myself in that situation again to manatain family and marriage
Or
•Yes I stuffed up. But I liked it and want to keep chasing new and exciting and do away with old, stable and boring family
Hard to know I guess. Only time will tell I imagine. I guess that is something she can work through with her therapist who she is already booked into see. I can only take her words at face value that she wants to work things through (albeit I’m very cautious at this point)
She has agreed that working at the place she is at isn’t an option so will be finishing up as soon as possible.
Empty123, your situation is just horrendous. Obviously I only know your situation from on here but it sounds like the solicitor is def the way to go for you. Best of luck.
I have zero respect for cheaters but some of them feel intensely ashamed which makes them numb, break down or puke in your case.
So that's positive.
Her reaction is concerning though. My boyfriend and most remorsefull cheaters kind off get slapped in the face once they see and realize the pain they caused their lived one. Sounds like your wife did not hit that rock bottom yet and that's concerning. Maybe she doesn't realize your pain because your still in the shock phase usually once the phase of anger and realization hits us she may realize.
I'm glad she's going into counseling.
Down the road marriage counseling is a must.
But first give it a few days and give yourself some time to think and realize what happened. You can't prepare yourself for the next few days it's going to be tough once anger hits. If she is interested pm me. I have a pdf for cheating spouses what they need to do if they want to reconcile. I would be happy to sent you. I read it as well as my CS.
1 word of wisdom. You can't be the only one 100 percent committed to making the marriage work she needs to be all on and she isn't just yet. It sure can still cone she's also in denial. But maybe in the next few weeks think about setting boundaries.
Also a good exercise for my boyfriend was to write down 50 triggers. Things that he thinks could trigger me into flashbacks. Tgat sure was a huge eye opener for him.
Empty your wife is not remorsefull be very careful. Cheaters "learn" quickly what to say and do in couples counseling to make themself look good. They lie. If she's not remorsefull she's only going through the motions of therapy to keep her consions clean but if she got flowers from soneone she is likely still cheating.
Get STD tested as well. I'm glad ur journaling. I told teamX as well though you can't safe a marriage alone. The CS needs to be all in and good string and clear boundaries need to be set by us B.S. no boundaries =No consequences = continue cheating.
Stay strong is this tough time. Empty123 don't let her play you any longer.
Firstly thanks for the reply,So my question is now,do we bother to go counselling or shall we just divorce ?
I told he just tell me your option because I won’t go counselling as it’s a waste of time is there nothing to save...and she ignored me,everytime Inoin her down she ignores me on the question.
I am sad very sad even now I just woke up and my heart and brain Tell me oh I love her then bang reality of what she done hits me.
ShE has just gone to work and now everytime she goes I wonder.
She knows I have found her using iPhone location and now she has turned it off..
At Christmas time to,its like she said Merry Christmas MF !
Pure looking at the facts right now yes I'm afraid coiples counseling is a waste of time. I just saw a bery good post below urs on what brings chances for successful reconciliation.
Right now ur wife is not remorsefull and has not cut all ties. If she's refusing to quit job (if that's where it happened) if she refuses to give up all her passwords and if she's just blaming you. Than don't hurt urself anymore. A lot of cheaters sit through marriage counseling just to look good and learn to give the right answers.
So right now based on the fact I would defuvately say talk to a lawyer about divorce. But that said this is very fresh. And you and her are currently in the immediate middle of this mess. It's overwhelming emotional. Neither of you can think clear. It usually takes at least 3 months for dust to settle. So I don't say to wait 3 months if she's not showing remorse and commitment soon don't waste ur time. But if you see any kind of remorse and hope than give it a few more weeks. I don't see that hope from the outside but I'm not in ur life. Talking to a lawyer is just a self protecting thing it doesn't mean you have to divorce right away.
Set boundaries and get each individual counseling. If she refuses she is not committed. If she doesn't do private counseling she won't change her cheating behaviour. Sorry for this horrible timing . I hope you have some family or friends around for some support this time of the year. Hugs. Feel free to pm me if you want.
Why didn’t you go to her party with her? Do you both do a lot of activities independently? Trips? Girls nights Guys nights?
May I recommended some reading... “serviving an affair” Dr Willard Harley
“His needs her need” Dr Willard Harley. (We would listen to them while in the car together... made him have to listen since I was in there and it was date night)
There are always reasons, but never excuses!
The first thing that has to happen Is NO contact with the AP ever again! Yeah, your CS needs to change jobs or report the affair to HR. Her boss needs a new job!