look into a TRO (temporary restraining order) from the police. if he comes around he will be arrested.let him know how serious you are

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been there and the amount of stress is overwhelming. Is there children involved?
My attorney filed for a Show of Cause hearing. During the hearing the judge decides whom gets custody and the use of the home. It really help me, at least with the day to day stress. I hope that this might be an option for you.

Also document the abusive behavior. Where I am, I was able to get a tape recorder to record his interactions with me. The recorder would fit in my pocket and everytime he would start talking to me, I would pull it out and hit record. He yelled at first but after a awhile, he would just walk away when he saw it. Peace and quiet at last.

I don't know if any of this helps and I will keep brainstorming for options. Sending hugs your way!

Depressed is right on with his advice. Your husband is unstable, and could be dangerous. Have your solicitor file an emergency action with the court. He'll be out of there so fast he won't even know what hit him.

Stay strong my friend.

I have 3 children at home, and I guess he knows I won't do anything to hurt them.

Its like he uses that as a weapon. When I tell him that he has been abusive he says he doesn't recognise it and he is not capable of it. He has come close to hitting me but just stops at that moment. He says its me thats gone mad and makes terrible gestures and threats.

This is no way to live, I want to just live my life again without him in it.

I have done nothing wrong and its quite unbelievable that he is putting me through this. I seriously think he has a borderline personality disorder and is a narcissist.

He is controlling my life so that I can't move on.

Feeling so sad and depressed, he's beating me down.

I know that you hurt right now, and rightfully so. He has done a good job of damaging your self esteem and trying to make you powerless. Don't let him get away with it. Just imagine the example your husband is showing your kids about what a man should be. That aloould be enough to make yne shou push is ass out. What are you waiting for? Him to actually hit you? Please look after you and your children.

Becky, I was thinking the same as Fightn. Record his actions. However, I'd place mini-video records in spots you know you and he will interact. Get it on film.

Though the courts may take a long time to resolve this, maybe by showing his folks what he's really like, it'll be the answer for you. If you can get them on your side, then maybe it'll click in his mind that he's out of control and acting psychotic.

Take care of you and your kids. DON'T TAKE ANY OF THIS LIGHTLY! It could develop into something more serious and you need to prepare yourself for that.

-TheRule

If you have a separation agreement, can you call the police to remove him when he comes to your home?

You are getting some good perspectives here.

I first want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. Most of the infidelity situations I read about here on DS seem to be the type that can hopefully be worked out. I am hopeful about healing my marriage after my wifes EA, and this site has been a godsend. Unfortunately, from what you describe, yours may be one of those beyond repair. Although I would love to read that you and your H are working on things, it doesnt sound like it is moving in that direction. My advice is about you protecting yourself and gathering evidence should you need it in a legal dispute. Again, I sincerely hope this is not the case.

I come from a family that includes several attorneys and a couple of judges. You MUST document these interactions. Especially document any written communications from him. I hate to say this but you need to see this as a game being played with an unstable person. You may have to prove his pattern of behavior in court, so you absolutely must have documentation. This will take some work on your part.

Here are some suggestions:

If he gets abusive, call the police. When the police arrive tell them what happened and that you are in fear of him (you must use language that makes it clear to the police that you are in fear of him). Make sure you get the names of the officers and the police report number. File for the restraining order. I like the idea of the tape recorder, but I would try to get one you can wear concealed and turn it on without him knowing, as you need it. Do not tell him you have one. After a fight, maybe write him an email reiterating what was said, tell him you feel so bad about what is happening and that you need to write him so you can get your points across without arguing. Hopefully, he will respond in another email and may write or admit to something in the email that will support your position. You must never tell him you are doing this, or that you now have this or that in writing. Keep playing it like you are really hurt (I know you truly are) and want things to get better, but will not stand for his threats and abuse. If any of the interactions are happening over the internet, get a key logger program and install it on your home computer. I have never done this but I understand they can be installed undetected, and run in the background also undetected. Save texts if they are used. I am not sure how to save the actual texts, but this could be extremely important. Also, keep a timeline of events. This may be crucial at some point. In a legal timeline, you cannot be too detailed. Start it from the point of where his behavior became suspicious. Document any and all threats or abusive behaviors. In your timeline, record dates and time of day if you can, and write down any other person who may have been a witness.

If he is acting like this and showing no remorse, it is in your best interest to keep him talking and threatening. You CANNOT let on, in any way that you are doing this. If he finds out you are documenting things, he will shut down and will deny all of this should it turn into a legal fight. Do you have a friend or family member that knows about what is going on? Can you completely trust this person? If yes, I would suggest you secretly open a bank account (in a totally different bank than you and your husband currently use) with small amount of money in it. Open it with cash or borrow the money from the friend to get it opened. Use the mailing address of that trusted friend, and tell them they can tell absolutely NO ONE that it exists. This account could be useful in case you need to transfer money out of your joint account quickly. Set up a secret email account that you only access at that friends home computer, or a computer that only you have access to. Keep your timelines, evidence, correspondence, or anything related, away from your husbands access. Google and Microsoft (MSN) have free email accounts and even free cloud drive storage you can use. Do not use your home computer for any of this. Your husband can also install a key logger so he may find out what you are doing, and would have access to everything.

I know this all sounds very cloak and dagger, but you may be forced into a battle not of your choosing. If he forces you into this battle, you want to spring this on him cold, through an attorney only. Look at it from this perspective; you are documenting and gathering evidence in the event that you need to prove his unstable behavior in legal proceedings. You are not setting him up. He sounds like a narcissistic sociopath who doesn't give a crap about you. I truly wish you were not going through this, and that your relationship could be worked out. This sounds like a bad one so you need to start building your case. You will need the tools to move quickly should the need arise, and you will need documented evidence should it become a legal fight.

I hope my response has been helpful, and has not been overkill. I just want to express to you that you need to change your mind set a bit here in order to protect yourself. Your husband has already shown himself to be a remorseless liar, who is brutally manipulating and threatening you. Consider the strong possibility that he may already have done all sorts of secret things you dont know about.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

FLG

I couldn't agree more with FLG. Spot On!

I too was married to an abusive narcissistic sociopath who made the divorce even more hell than it needed to be. He managed to drag the divorce on for almost a year when there were literally NO assets to fight over, and no custody issues since he doesn't see our son at all. lease cove over to the NVSS board and do a search on divorcing a narcissist. You will get great support and advice from those that have been there before, and those that are going through the same thing you are now.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivors

Sending some strength!

typo lease cove = please come
bizarre

Any way you can install cameras in your house so that you can get some of this on tape? It sounds like he's a loose cannon and it will be your word against his. Better to have some actual proof on your side!

((hugs))

You would think when they see that you mean it, that the marriage is done, that you are done, they would be resigned and accept that their actions brought about the end of what they had, that they would try to scrape thier dignity off the floor and be the best they can be for the sake of thier kids...


...but noooooo...

Sometimes, these cheating spouses just get worse and lower and lower. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Is he thinking that all this stellar action is going to win you back? Yeah, right!

Sounds to me like this man is unraveling in his mind. Can't stand the thought that he got busted, is being held accountable, that his reputation is going to be total shit, that the life he had is now over, and he can't handle that. So, he's going to make your life hell.

Becky, for every time he shows up, call the cops. Call the cops. Call the cops. Document. Document. Document. Tape him. Tape him and then Tape him again. Take one hell of an aggressive stand here.

It's like he is saying, 'I am going to make your life hell for divorcing me.' You may not understand it. Hell, I don't fully understand it either, but it needs to be dealt with firmly. No middle ground. Firm boundaries. (Had to do this with my Ex.)

Sending you support, L~

Mmh I like what you all say.. some excellent advice here, knew I could rely on you guys .. thank you so much. Already actioned some of it today . Will keep you all posted . Started recording conversations secretly.