Because they don't think they did anything wrong.

No its not normal. The separation is up to you though.

Nope, not normal. My EX only touched me when he wanted sex. It was a very cold relationship. Frankly, it sucked.

If this is his idea of reconciling and healing - and the effort that it takes to get his marriage on track, it may not be enough for you. See it as it is all the way around - decide if you can live like this for the next 20 or 30 years - and then make your decisions.

Sending support, L~

That's exactly the same way my husband was towards the end... He was still seeing his other women... I left, but there were other things going on and this WAS his 2nd chance...

E7705

Nope. Not normal at all. If you can't treat me the same all the time-I have no use for you.

Don't settle for anything less than you deserve-and you deserve nothing but the best!

Prayers for you!

Putting the affair aside for the moment....and focusing on the lack of intimacy from your husband.

This is EXTREMELY common......even in what some consider good marriages.

In the beginnings of a relationship, it is much different...there is usually more intimacy, touching, romance, and sex.

Over the years it is quite rare indeed that this change does not occur.

ALL of my friends and relatives (ALL....EVERY SINGLE ONE) have mentioned this very same thing.

As a man....I too experienced less of a desire to touch .......when sex was not part of the equation.

Now that you know about the lap dances.....this lack of attention HURTS so much more.

What has the therapist suggested?

Rekindling romance can be tough.....but it is certainly achievable with 2 willing parties.

I am only 2 weeks after my dday so take my advise with that in mind. Feel free to read my posts to get the whole story. I can only speak from my own experience since it is all I know. I have been through this before with my ex. Much worse..it was a long term A instead of as is my current situation which was very brief, not about love but lust and he broke it off before I ever even knew he had slept with her the one time. The girl told me to get me to throw him out so he would move in with her as she wanted. But cheating is cheating. It is still betrayal and he knew where it was going. He made the choices all the way down the line and they were all the wrong ones. He was the one that was committed to me and married to me. He was the one that OWED me the fidelity. The reason there is a difference between the two is not just the length and emotions involved but how they acted after they cheated.

My ex: I caught him and the A was still underway. He denied it and denied it. I caught him by being very very tricky through emails and internet tricks with all kinds of smoke and mirrors that is too much to go into. Suffice it to say I ended up with the OW emailing me without even realizing it was me she was emailing telling me all about what was happening with him. Then when I told her who I was really and my end of things..well he was certainly busted by all since he had been lying to her as well. I was pregnant with our son and the shock of finding out sent me into early labor (literally went into labor the night I busted him and had our son the following day 1 month premature) so I did try to continue our marriage until I saw he was just not going to do his part. He vacillated back and forth on what he wanted. He continued to lie to her and I both. Even after she knew the truth of his marriage and newborn child she continued to see him and acted like he was cheating on HER with ME!. He didnt know I had his VM password and so I had a back door into knowing what he was up to. I didnt give him long. 6 weeks to be exact. A little over a month of him doing to me pretty much like you are describing, and acting confused about who he wanted to be with. Going back and forth in who and what he wanted. He made his choice. He told her it was over. I confirmed this by hearing her voice mail to him on his cell. I knew he was telling the truth. We were not living together at the time since I made him leave as soon as I found out about it while we decided what we were going to do. He was still coming over every week and staying the night a couple of nights a week but we lived separately. For the two days he was there with me after I knew he had finally broken off with her, even though he moped around I was so happy. But I could see he was mourning the break up. I had been through enough and frankly had it! I told him to leave and he had a week to figure out what he wanted. If at the end of that week if he isnt POSITIVE and ready to do the work needed to fix this, OWN up to his part... be the husband I NEED and deserve then dont bother calling me and expect divorce papers. The week passed and no call. I filed for divorce the following week and moved on.

My current husband: He broke ended it after making the mistake of having sex and it hit him how screwed up he was and what he had done. When she called me he denied it for about 10 minutes and then he confessed. He has since been completely remorseful, completely OWNED that this was his doing and his mistake. That while we had problems NOTHING excused this and has apologized to me at least every other day since. Has been supportive and holds me even when he sees that look in my eyes where he knows I am thinking about it. Has told me how much he loves me and will do ANYTHING it takes to make it up as well as make us stronger and better including any counseling I choose although he stated he really dreaded going to a stranger..he was ok with our pastor but I found another way (it is a disc set that concentrates more on building a stronger marriage than rehashing over the problems we had see marriagemax.com). We have since recommitted to a new marriage (the old one is dead and cant be reborn) He even got my wedding ring fixed since I havent been able to wear it for a long time due to my fingers swelling from years of steroids. We are addressing the things we KNOW are making things impossible such as we need severely to move back into our own home and out of my mothers (longer story there) so we leased a house this past weekend. We have been closer than ever, talking ALL the time. Making love every day and just a deep down feeling inside me that we are going to be ok. With my ex...I never felt that!

I dont believe infidelity is a marriage ender. But I do believe that it is a crippler that takes alot of work, love and commitment to fix. If both parties are not committed, I just dont believe it can be repaired. I also believe after having both experiences, you know deep down if you will make it or not pretty close to the beginning. I knew. The first step is forgiveness. I know I couldnt forgive my ex because it was still such a factor and he had not yet let go of it himself. My current husband was already committed to doing whatever he had to do to make it up to me before I ever knew it had happened. Would he have preferred me not to know what he had done...definitely, that is human. He was not going to let the OW use that to blackmail him though. He had already decided what and who he wanted on his own. I think that is actually the biggest and most important distinction between the two experiences.

Blindside, the therapist suggested that if I need a hug, I should just ask him. I tried it. He gave me one while he was multitasking. I'm sorry I asked.

I asked my therapist why he was not affectionate, especially considering the circumstances. She said of all the hundreds of couples she has counseled, there was only one reason for it. Either they do not love you anymore, or they still have the girls on the side. Mine denies both, although I don't think he is doing anything anymore, I suspect he misses them.

E, your therapist is right on the money. Very true.

Stick with her.

You asked for a hug and you got a half assed one?

Don't settle for this for the next 20 years of your life.

L~

It may just be that this a pattern he has fallen into and he doesn't really think about it much. You should try counseling together so you can discuss how you feel with a neutral third party present to give their suggestions and input. He needs to know how you feel and what you need to make the marriage work. Communication is key. He can't read your mind or figure it out on his own. If my H had given me that kind of a hug after I asked him for one I would have brought it to his attention that it was a half assed hug and what I really wanted was a full on hug with feeling behind it and that is what he better give me next time.

Also, all of those lap dances undoubtedly cost quite a bit of money. I would ask that your H now spend an equivalent amount on you and what you want to help balance the scales.

not normal. If he were sincerely interested in rebuilding, he would be showing a lot more effort than he is. If anything, he would/should be smothering you with kindness and affection.

Seems to me he is just giving you lip service...not even going through the motions at this point.

You need to have a serious talk with him about it and if he isn't going to at least give you some sort of explanation/reason, then you need to really think about moving on.

Is it normal? My first response is yes, but that's because I was trying to make my marriage work and stbx was responding much the same way yours is. No affection. Unless you want to say that a coffee from starbucks once a month is affection.

Is it normal for someone who is really committed to working out the marriage? Sorry, but I don't think so.

You are valuable, loveable and worthy of being loved. Don't settle.

It is amazing how many of us went through similar things. My ex said he wanted to work on the marriage - but really he did not. Looking back - he disrespected me for years and became so cold toward me unless he wanted sex.

I couldn't go on like that. His A made me realize that I deserved better than he had treated me for many years and all of the responsibility and crap that was heaped on me by my trying to keep it all together. I became someone who was not me. The way things went just crept up and I did not even realize how awful he was to me. After D Day, I desperately wanted him to apologize and tell me he would do what ever it took to keep from losing me. ... But he didn't do that.

Now it is a few years out since D Day - I am divorced. Much better for me with less stress. I have a BF who is affectionate, not cranky, and likes to be with me. Even if this relationship does not last - I know I am ok. And I am myself again.