Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Found out a week and a half ago about my husband's affair. He and I have been together for 15 years, and three months ago he met a 21 year old girl from another state on a poker website. I caught him by looking at data and calls on our cell phone bill. He admitted that he had fallen for this girl and that he was unhappy and not in love with me anymore. The next day he told me that he felt like he had really screwed up and wanted to make it right. He wanted to focus 100% on our marriage. I suppose I should also add that he had a one night stand about six years ago as well.
I believed him, wanted him so bad, wanted him to be there for me and our two children. So I took him back. I was over the top loving, kind and doing whatever I could to please him. So scared that if I made the wrong move he would jump right back into her arms.
On Tuesday I found out that he never stopped talking to her. The girl forwarded me the texts he would send her...they talked about how much he wanted to be with her, how much he loved her, he cared so much, that his wife was a liar, etc. She told me I should leave him, and I have.
Now the two of them are continuing their affair. Talking and texting nonstop. This seems so surreal and creepy to me. And yet I find myself asking him why he doesn't love me? Why don't you want to be with me? Why are you doing this to our family? I told him I would respect him and not do anything with anyone until our divorce was final. His response to me? "Do whatever the f*$& you want. I don't care." Now I'm in tears.
Why can't I just stop? Stop begging him to love me, not to leave me, not to leave our kids. What is wrong with me?
I believed him, wanted him so bad, wanted him to be there for me and our two children. So I took him back. I was over the top loving, kind and doing whatever I could to please him. So scared that if I made the wrong move he would jump right back into her arms.
On Tuesday I found out that he never stopped talking to her. The girl forwarded me the texts he would send her...they talked about how much he wanted to be with her, how much he loved her, he cared so much, that his wife was a liar, etc. She told me I should leave him, and I have.
Now the two of them are continuing their affair. Talking and texting nonstop. This seems so surreal and creepy to me. And yet I find myself asking him why he doesn't love me? Why don't you want to be with me? Why are you doing this to our family? I told him I would respect him and not do anything with anyone until our divorce was final. His response to me? "Do whatever the f*$& you want. I don't care." Now I'm in tears.
Why can't I just stop? Stop begging him to love me, not to leave me, not to leave our kids. What is wrong with me?
It isn't you. He has taken his eye off the ball. He has paid attention to someone else instead of treasuring everything he has with you. I think people who do this lack inner resources. They are quickly distracted and lack the insight to reflect on their relationship and their own inner life enough to know how to look after what they already have.
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new betrayed person begin these behaviors as soon as possible. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.
So here's the list:
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? without them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying!
Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you!
More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.
This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.
Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.
Hey, it's only been a week here. Don't be too hard on yourself. It takes some time for all this to sink into your head and your heart. Time that you have not had. You have been pretty blindsided by all of this...
...and I am sending you my support.
Lord help his ass when you decide to get mad.
L~
The 180 doesn't guarantee that your husband will come back to you and be the man you want him to be. It can help you maintain your dignity and self esteem. Your gonna need that for your kids as well as yourself.... I ache for you... I know it hurts so deeply.
Have you ever read "Not Just Friends"? It's an excellent book about infidelity in marraiges..
(((HUGS)))
Don't let him try to convince you it's something you have or haven't done either. That's called gaslighting. Google it if you ever feel like he's trying to make you feel responsible for HIS bad behavior.
I am not familiar with the 180 but, wow. I love it. I totally agree it will help you either bring him around to his old self or help you move on while holding your head high.
You don't deserve the way he is treating you. If you can't stand up for yourself, remember that your children are watching and the way you behave is what they will grow up thinking is normal behavior.
He has shown you a pattern of behavior that clearly is not going to change and has already repeated itself. He is clearly in the fog over this woman and needs to be shaken into reality. What you need to do is consult a lawyer to find out what your options are, then tell him that you love him, but that you cannot allow him to disrespect you and your family and that if he is going to continue his affair, he will not have the privileges of a husband and will need to find a new place to live.
Whatever you do, do not "chase" him or try to "love" him out of this. That will only work in the opposite direction.
You deserve much, much better than this. Sending you support and strength as you go through this.
No, we didn't stay together, but it gave me the balls to do what I needed to do, which was take back my power and live my life the way I want...not as his doormat.
He misses me, is living a life less than what he had with me. He threw away a good future for some "freedom". I am happy, healthy and a lot wiser....
I know it hurts, girl. You have got to get mad! Tell him to get his things and go...if there is to be any reconciliation, it has to be on your terms, after he wakes the hell up!
Hugs...