Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So, we're almost 16 months past DDay. We're in MC, and he's in IC also.
This past week, I had meetings at our corporate office, which is about 4 hours away, so I was up and on the road at 4 a.m. This isn't unusual for me, happens every week or two.
About halfway through my drive, I'm listening to the morning news, and out of NOWHERE my mind goes to "What are you doing? He cheated on you for almost 2 years. He let her sleep in your bed, cook in your kitchen, ride in your car. He called her Wife #2. You're a fool."
I burst into tears (before the traffic report, which is what I really needed to hear!), and was in a funk most of the day. Unfortunately, my situation doesn't allow me to take a day off to wallow when I get punched like this, and it's really altering my ability to do what I need to do on those days.
It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it still happens. I can't identify a rhyme or reason as to the timing or circumstances. Does this ever go away? Do I need to be medicated? When it happens, do I tell him? He still struggles with guilt over what he's done, and I don't want to make it worse.
This past week, I had meetings at our corporate office, which is about 4 hours away, so I was up and on the road at 4 a.m. This isn't unusual for me, happens every week or two.
About halfway through my drive, I'm listening to the morning news, and out of NOWHERE my mind goes to "What are you doing? He cheated on you for almost 2 years. He let her sleep in your bed, cook in your kitchen, ride in your car. He called her Wife #2. You're a fool."
I burst into tears (before the traffic report, which is what I really needed to hear!), and was in a funk most of the day. Unfortunately, my situation doesn't allow me to take a day off to wallow when I get punched like this, and it's really altering my ability to do what I need to do on those days.
It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it still happens. I can't identify a rhyme or reason as to the timing or circumstances. Does this ever go away? Do I need to be medicated? When it happens, do I tell him? He still struggles with guilt over what he's done, and I don't want to make it worse.
Only 2 factors will lessn it.
Time: Dulls the memory and allows brain to build new events.
Life: Large change to life which inherently build new memories so the pain is lessened and fades.
Both is the soul defensive tools towards healing.
Support your way.
Do you tell him? Well, that depends on a lot of factors. Is there any other reason than his guilt to not share what is really happening in your life? The memories you mentioned are memories aren't they? Is there anything else that is triggering current suspician, or is it just what has already happened. If it is only memories, then yes they will fade.
Thing is...I feel like if a person is married, then their partner is there to share their life...yes? When it's good...when it's challenging...when it's happy...when it's sad? And, I always felt like my H created the problems in the marriage by his behaviors. So, I saw no particular reason that I should be the only one to suffer for what he chose to do. How does anyone ever learn about results of behavior, if they suffer no results?
Are you more concerned about your mental/medical health? Or, are you more concerned about his facing his own behavior and guilt? I think that it may well be good to be concerned with you first...and him second. Guilt never hurt anybody. It's a sincere reaction to acknowledgement of wrong-doing. But, just because a person feels guilt, changes the behavior, and moves on, doesn't mean there's not results of that behavior anyway. And, we all get to live with the results of our behaviors. He's no different.
I'm 20 months past dday so we're in similar time frames. I occassionally have moments like you describe. Happily they are getting fewer and more far between. When they start I say this phrase to myself (courtesy of my therapist).
"This is not new, this already happened, it is not happening now. There is nothing I can do about the past, it is over and it will never change. The only thing I can change is how I deal with it going forward"
Later I added, "my H is not a bad man, he just made a lot of really, really bad decisions..
It doesn't necessarily lessen the pain but it does keep me from staying on that thought for very long.
I have read that the second year can almost be harder for the BS because the first year they are in sort of their own fog. They are trying to wade their way through the tumultous emotions, grieving the loss of the marriage they knew, etc. The second year your thoughts are clear, you're settling into the new normal and sometimes that's hard to deal with.
I don't think there are any timeframes for this so you should stop pressuring yourself to 'feel better' or not have triggers. I think once you take that pressure off yourself you'll feel better.
As far as telling your H is concerned, I don't think it's a bad thing as long as you do it in a manner that makes him feel safe too. Tell him that you're feeling a little triggery and sad and cry on his shoulders if you have to. I know you say that he struggles with guilt but I think part of their job is helping us heal.
I don't have any experience with meds so I don't have any advice there but sending support your way!
@cheaters- The BS really does go through a "fog" of sorts. Like, this can't be happening. I think in the 1st yr, wer'e too emotionally paralyzed to move.
I hesitate on sharing with him, because he's in his own recovery for major depressive disorder. He's on multiple medications for depression, anxiety, etc. He was hospitalized the day after DDay, and it was months before I even saw him smile. He's worked so hard to get himself well, and also work on our marriage, that I don't want to dump on him when it may send him into a spiral that can last a week or more. I just think I should be BETTER than this by this point.
I say share w/ him to an extent. You prob know how far you can go and still keep him from getting too depressed.
Yesterday however we did talk. I feel a little better now for talking,but it was not easy. Maybe H and I still don't know how to go about this. He gets angry ( i know it's with himself) and then he cried. So 2 years out and we still go through this.
I had to tell him that sometimes I still see images of the two of them together in my head and it just sets off events that make the next two of three days miserable for me. I too wonder when this will end.
My H also feels so much guilt over what he that I hesitate to bring it up. Thing is, I am trying to avoid hurting him. But he does need to go through the bad days with me by acknowledging why I'm feeling bad in the first place.
I'm over 2 years out and I still get random bouts of sadness but I let him know. I either text or call. I let him know I'm not angry and he didn't do anything to spark my emotions but I'm just having an emotional moment and need his reassurance. He comes through like a charms dn responds very well to that approach.
I used to let it fester and then when I did see him later that day I would have these underlying bad feelings and pick a fight not realizing what I was doing. It really is so much better when I can be honest without putting him on the defense.
Just sharing how I've dealt with it recently. Not sure if this is an option for you
So, maybe you can concentrate on the good thing of knowing, it brings hurt, and it brings learning....the learning is the part to remember.