Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi, my partner and I have been together for almost 12 years now. We started dating in 2012 and got married in 2020. We literally grew up together. We survived log distance as well during most parts of our relationship. Our relationship was and somewhat still is strong.
But something happened last year. He fell in love with another female friend of his. They kissed. And since then they have been talking and meeting secretly behind my back. They spent 16 nights together, 8 nights at a time. My husband told me all this. They did everything apart from having sex. Everything else. I feel shattered and betrayed. My husband and I haven't been sexually active since the last 10months. Till 3 days back I could not understand why. But now I know. He told me. It's because he was doing stuff with her and hence was avoiding doing things with me.
All this is so hard for me to digest. I have told him how I feel. But everytime i tell him something, after a point he says that last year he told me that he wants to go but he could not go becaue i did not let him go. And he feels he can do anything he wants becaue I did not let him do what he wanted to. But how could I?
He says he still loves me and he cannot be without me. At the same time he is finding it difficult to leave the other girl as well.
He says he love sthe both of us. This is so wierd. So difficult. I still love him alot. But I feel so much pain.
The fact that he had been doing things behind my back in the last 1 year makes me feel horrible. Betrayed. I feel so pukish when I think that he touched another girl, the way he touches me (rather touched me). I feel horrible.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. I want him to disconnect from the other girl totally and want the other girl to away.
I feel I am having trust issues as well with him. Well ofcourse. I feel this last 1 year has been a complete lie. It feels o difficult and painful.
Can someone please tell what I should do?
How should I bring my husband back to me? How can we be ahppy together again? How can I make the other girl go away?
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It was a huge hit with about 200 guests. We got so many compliments on our hard work and the great time they were having. There are so many nice pictures on Facebook with everyone saying they reconnected with old friends. But let me tell you, I am glad it is behind us. We all put a lot into it. We are having a lunch meeting next week, which I am looking forward to. Yesterday was...
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So mad at Xfinity! They're trying to charge me $115 per month for the same service I had been paying $50 the last four years. I took the equipment to UPS for shipping and cancelled my subscription today! Next door was a cookie shop called Crumbl. I had heard of it before but never went in until today. I don't need one more sugar fix, but maybe it will help with my sad) grieving heart....$15...
You need to know that cheaters lie. I am certain he had sex with her. I don't know why he says it's :everything but sex", as if that would make it any better?!?
And he wanted to leave the marriage last year? For her???? Ugh!!!
The only way this can work is he has to get rid of her - completely. He has to want the marriage between you two again. Unfortunately, we can not "make" anyone do anything. They have to want to do it,
Please know it was nothing that you did wrong. You two got together so young, and oftentimes, that is difficult to have a long term relationship because the two of you grow up and grow apart. Think back to how you were at 18 years old, compared to now at 30 years old. Look how much you have changed, too.
Do you have kids?
First thing, get yourself into counseling. This is a trauma and you need some therapy. See if he will go to marriage counseling. But even if he won't go, then you go for your own counseling.
What is he saying now, does he want to save the marriage? Get rid of the other girl 100% completely? Because no, he can not have the "both of you"!!!
You're going to be okay. What is it that YOU want for your life?
Well, he says he loves me and he can't leave me. He is trying to get rid of the girl but that is hurting him very badly. He also cannot decide what to do. He says, any decision he takes will eventually hurt 2 people. He and the person he chooses to leave.
No, we don't have kids.
What do I want for my life? I want him back 100%. I want us to work things out. There were never any major problems between us. Never. So I want things to be happy between us again. I want to feel confident about myself again. I want his pain and suffering to go away and the other girl to go away. I want him to come back to me fully.
He says that he knows (rather thinks) that he will be happy with me. But he is feeling bad and hurt about leaving her.
I don't know what to do.
What does that mean.... he is "trying" to get rid of the other girl. There is no "trying to".... he HAS to get RID of her completely and right now!!! A relationship can not, and will not, work if the affair person is anywhere still in the picture.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. He will not leave you if you state how you feel.
He has to get rid of the other woman. Like yesterday. No excuses from him!!!
Do you know who she is? Does she know he is married??
Please look into starting therapy for yourself. It will help you to get stronger and build your confidence. It helps to talk to a therapist. You can tell them anything and everything, and they can give you an outside opinion. They are there to help your life be better.
I am so sorry you are dealing with any of this. You will be okay. Tell him no more contact with that homewrecker. Who the hell cares how SHE feels?? Not you. And he shouldn't care about what she feels either. He is married to YOU and took vows to YOU. Why is this even a problem for him at all? He cheated, he did horrible things to you and your marriage, and the FIRST step is get rid of the other girl and I mean completely stop ALL contact with her.
Tell him.
I did tell him. But he says it's not easy for him because he has feelings for her and she has feelings for him.
Yes I know the other girl. She stayed with us for a week. She was a good friend. His friend actually. She knew about us for a long long time.
I have told him to stop contact with her but he has not. He says he is trying. He says just like it's difficult for him to leave me, it's difficult for him to leave her. But he said he has told her that he cannot leave me. But he trying to leave her.
I don't know when all this will end.
I have started therapy but all this is very new and difficult.
I don't understand what he means by he is "trying" to get rid of the other girl. In what ways is he "trying"? Ask him.
You are his wife. One woman one man. You do not have to put up with ANY of what he is doing. Tell him he gets rid of her or he has to move out. (Throw that out there... he has to know there will be consequences to his actions and for his poor choices). Tell him that "we are married and she is not part of this relationship. You get rid of her, now, or you can move out. I will file for divorce. You can not carry on with both of us."
Just say these things.... I know you don't/won't really throw him out or file for divorce..... but he needs to know there are consequences to his choices.
I know that you are not okay with him still sleeping with her. You have to put your foot down. Does his side of the family know what he is doing? Tell him you will tell his mom, dad, brothers, sisters, etc.....
Time to throw out some consequences for his choices.
And yes, he CAN get rid of her. He doesn't WANT to.
Stand up for yourself. You are strong. You can do this!
Do you think there is some other way to make things work?
You ask if there is some other way to make this work? Well... I guess you could look the other way and let him keep his mistress. Polyamorous marriage, I guess? That's all I can think of to keep this going like this.
Like I said, you can't *make* him do anything he doesn't want to do. He has to want to leave her. He has to want your marriage.
Not sure how you can think he is "amazing" and "best you've ever seen" when he's been lying and carrying on an affair with another woman who he says he loves. But like I said, I am not judging. You can have an open marriage until he ever decides to let her go. But please please protect yourself.... from STDs and what if he gets her pregnant?
There is no magic wand to this. You need to look out for yourself though. You are the only person you have control over.
Also, I don't know what to do about the physical intimacy. We have not done anything since Jan. I have told him that I miss doing stuff with him. But he is not taking any initiative. He says it can't be forced. And needs time. But I feel very wierd.
How can I make him want to do things with me again?
He says there have been times when he wanted to, but stopped himself because he had been doing things with the other girl and it would be unfair to her. Such shitty logic. What about when he started doing things with her? Didn't he feel bad then for me? Well, forget it. Don't want to dwell in the past because it's of no use.
Is there any advice on how I could make him come back to me, the physical intimacy?
I swear, there ARE other people on this message board besides me, LOL. Hopefully, they will pop up on here and offer some words of wisdom!
I am not sure about the physical intimacy. What has your therapist suggested? I only know part of the story and your therapist probably knows more details.
Hang in there and stay strong. Look after YOU, first and foremost. Do you have things that keep you busy, such as working, school, hobbies, exercise, eating healthy, go see friends, family to see, etc. Keep looking after yourself and staying healthy..
I sent you a Friend Request on this site.
There are so many emotions and beliefs involved. Denial is often the first stage of grief, followed by anger, depression, and bargaining (not in that order.
There can also be shame and a sense of rejection and fears about your future.
I know how much pain you are in and how you long to go back to the days when things were happy between you. It seems like he has all of the power and control. And this woman, she doesn't seem to have any qualms about doing what she is doing. Do you have family or close friends that you can stay with for awhile? He seems to want to hold onto you but wants to be with her too, Can he really have both? I hope that you put yourself first no matter what
Can someone please tell me how I can make that happen?
You have the truth and the secrets have been revealed. Only you can decide what you're willing to live with. I didn't fight hard to save the marriage, because I had been a faithful and loyal spouse even through his devastating diagnosis. My conscience was clear! Before I left I told my husband the homewrecker and his family who pushed me away was not going to care for him. He responded, "I know they won't." It's like he was relieved to stop living with the lies.
The only person that matters right now is you.
Take care of you first and foremost.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, And I am very sorry to hear about all of this. You must be a super strong woman to have been able to endure all of this.
I am just very confused about what is the right thing to do. In my head and heart, I really really want him to come back to me, emotionally and sexually. I don't what i should do to get him back. How I can work on myself to be more independent and yet have him back with me? How can I make the other girl go away from his head and heart?
Thanks.