Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Brady1979 10/09/2017

Just had my wife of 16 years confess to having an emotional affair 7 years ago. She says that she love him and really had no reason why. The year it happened was a year I worked constantly either out of town or nonstop overtime. I then find out she not only had an emotional but also invited him into our home " to talk". She said that they kissed and he began to do other things and she said it freaked her out and stopped him . This again is while I'm out town working 18 hours away. They continued thier friendship and actually she hired him to put up a pool. Which went horrible and I ended up redoing and he kept my money. My wife told me an event that I could cross reference the month in which the make out session happened. Come to find out the day she invited him over and crossed into the physical affair was none other than my birthday. My wife swears she didn't know and wants us to be happy and move on. Yet I find out two days ago she contacted him 2 weeks ago to warn him I knew. Should I believe her that she wants this to work or go with my gut and leave

StormPetrel 10/09/2017

It's time to leave.

This is a full-blown affair and she is lying and manipulating you.

It doesn't sound like there is a marriage to save. But that is your decision to make. You both will have to make a lot of changes in order to save your relationship.

calirn13 10/09/2017

Did you find out or did she confess?

betrayedtodeath 10/09/2017

Having ignored my gut for 30 years to my self detriment, I'm all for listening to one's intuition now. Its a big red flag that she gave him the heads up. Cheaters always outright lie or minimize what they have done. I personally wouldn't take her word for it that it stopped short of outright sex. She told you that she loves/loved him but doesn't know why. Do you want to be with someone who loves/loved someone else (and acted on that...and hid all of it from you)? You might want to get tested for STDs to be on the safe side. I'm sorry she has done this to you.

Brady1979 10/09/2017

She confessed after i asked her what changed in her and i told her i had noticed that she always seemed like something was bugging her

Freeagain2017 10/09/2017

I am sorry that you are going through this. Regardless how and why, for you even to consider staying together to work this out, she needs to cut all contact with him - texting, calling, and seeing each other. And, she needs to prove to you that she is not in contact with him at all. If she is not willing to do this, it will be really hard for you work things out. I am not blaming you for her affair. There is no good reason for someone to have an affair. But a relationship must have cracks for things like this to happen unless you believe your wife is psychological lier or she never loved you. And, I would recommend to make it clear how hurt you are and you are not trying to shame her or guilt her. You are simply trying your best to make this work and to have her back in your life if it’s still possible. There must have been great things in your relationship that brought you together in the first place. Try to think of those. But this will really be up to her. She needs to make this work. Good luck!

Freeagain2017 10/09/2017

Just to add one more thing - let her know you need to know every detail and if you can stay together or not comes down to how honest she is. And, the reason you need to know every detail is not so that you can use it to shame her or even to accuse her. You are really just trying to fill in the blanks and feel that you can trust her again. Relationship cannot work if there is no trust. Then it’s up to you if you want to believe her or not. If you stay, you stand the chance of being hurt again. You need to ask yourself if it’s worth another try even if it means you may get hurt again. If she is not honest (which I think you will know - we all have good instincts when it comes to these things) and if she is not willing to cut it completely off with him, I would say there is no point of staying.

heartache5 10/09/2017

You say it was 7 years ago. Yet she contacted him 2 weeks ago to "warn him" this makes it very clear it was not 7 years ago but a 7 year affair! and still actively going on. Remenber cheaters only admit to the tip of tge iceberg u sureky dont know even half of the truth .There's no reason to stay unless she is completely renorsefull but doesn't sound like it.

Saritamontel 10/10/2017

Actually i wouldn't go back so quickly. I have learned their are two sides to every story. Not that she wasn't wrong for what she did but still their was a reason behind it whether it was morally right or wrong. Cheating is a very touchy subject because so many different emotions are involved. Anger,betrayal,self-doubt,hurt etc. So you're not able to rationalize the situation. I would just take time apart and get your head right first. Then if both of you are still inlove with each other then you date and learn to communicate first so that if issues come up both of you are able to discuss it and a calm,understanding manner. But the key word inlove....because you can live each other and not be happy. Then date...explore each other and become friends. So yes it would be a process...nothing like sweep the mess under the rug and move forward. Because most likely she will do it again. I really hope that God helps you and guides you to make the right decision.

Brady1979 10/10/2017

I find it hard to beilve that there always has to be an underlying issue for someone to cheat. The fact of the matter is the only good explanation for her unfaithfulness was somethings that bugged her from years prior and instead of communicate these issues she held them in. Im not a hard man to apporch and i listen very well. I cant make someone talk about things if they refuse. And the year it happened was a horrible year for myself. Having to travel for work for the first time. Then the work i do get at home is 72 days straight of 12 hour days doing the tornado clean up in joplin. Listening and seeing all that horror. She new i wasnt myself and instead of asking if i was alright she instead found comfort in another man. Im by far not perfect but i do pride myself in the way i treated her. Her telling me this was so unexpected i thought it was a joke. My brother did something similar but it was online. And to here my wife preach about how wrong he was and how stupid his wife wasbto take him back just appalle me

forwardmotion 10/10/2017

Even from what you are saying it seems like she is manipulating you. I doubt this was a emotional, slightly physical affair.

Sounds like minimalizing of a long term, full blown physical affair. It just doesn't make sense if she continues to contact with him and warn him. Shows where her allegiance lies.

It also is an underlying issue contrary to what you believe. You thought your wife was a certain person, her actions showed otherwise. No one just stumbles into an affair, they allow it because they are weak and selfish. She sold you a façade of who she was all these years.

It took me a few months before I could realize the person I though she was didn't actually exist. She doesn't deny this and realized that she never really was honest to people who she was. The affair and exposure of this didn't give her any choice but to see herself as she really was.

betrayedtodeath 10/10/2017

Brady, Saritamontel is a cheater so you can pretty much disregard any and all advice from than quarter. Because, you know there are the "reasons" cheaters have to cheat (sarcasm). The "underlying issues" etc. Many people have rough childhoods, have insecurities, lots of baggage. Not everyone cheats in the face of difficulty or adversity. Your wife does not share your core values, although she would have liked to have you believe that she does. Forwardmotion makes some good points ^

forwardmotion 10/10/2017

I would suggest any current or recovering cheater probably won't provide good insight.

A reformed cheater possibly would be able to.

In any sense its the validity of the argument that holds the weight and not the person who says it. Earth is round no matter who says it.

Saritamontel gets it wrong because she misunderstands what marital love is. It isn't about feeling loved or feeling happy, that is the kind of love definition that allows you to justify or minimize the evil of adultery.

Love is a self sacrificing perspective where you put someone else's needs above your own. If you betray your spouse and caused incredible hard to their very core...you don't love them. If you pretend to be someone else while cheating on your spouse they don't love you. They love the person that you portrayed yourself to be, ask them how much they love you right after you tell them that you have been sleeping with other people.

Saritamontel 10/10/2017

Well think about it...she had a emotional affair. Wow what should that tell you. She doesnt get from you....maybe in the begining but now your work is your priority. Leaving her wanting and longing for someone to feel her. Im not excusing what she did but in order for anything to change you have to be completely honest with each other. And both of you have to be willing to listen. Are you willing to meet her need? And is she willing to accept them and stop cheating? Thats what you should be askong? You working long hours to live beyond your means? Then downsize....i mean come to a compromise that is if you are willing too...both of you but don't assume that going back that everything will be ok because both of you will just be lying to yourselves.

Saritamontel 10/10/2017

So please tell me....is it fair for one person to do all the sacrificing? To what extent is it right? Not having an opinion and just doing the noble thing huh. Walking behind him instead of beside him or taking own all the responsibilities of what a family comes with because he feels working is enough. Not communicating with you or wanting to share quality time because he is too tired. Love is the foundation of a marriage but its not the only thing that makes it work. Being taken granted or feeling like your marriage is no more than a job title with responsibilties you have to fullfill. But of course.none of you would understand because you are all righteous. Perfect in the eyes in the lord. Sorry for thinking it takes two the build a happy home

Saritamontel 10/10/2017

Well brady it sounds like you already made it your mind what you should do....then leave her and dont look back. And then if you can get counseling for yourself do it.

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