For me, it's that, while I know that he's unfaithful (and all the lies and disrespect and risk that goes with that), there would be too much collateral damage if I ended it. It's not a financial or reputation thing, it's primarily family relationships. We've been together 20 years, married for almost 18, the grands adore him, I'm close to his aging parents, we have lots of common activities and goals. All of that would not only go away, but the hurt it would cause all of the other people in our lives is unbearable for me to think about.

Sarah this is a great post. I love the image of you leaving a human-shaped hole in the wall. LOL

I think it boils down to fear: the fear of having our world map ripped out from under us; the fear of being alone and never finding someone else to love us; the fear of a financially burdened future; the fear of how it will affect our psyche and lead to depression or self-sabotaging behaviour; the fear of how it will affect our relationships; and the fear of the unknown. We're governed by fear, and trying on something new instead of what we know, even though it means potentially living in drudgery, stops us from going into the change room.

The poster above, in what she is saying, is demonstrating a display of fear. The fear that the changes will affect her livelihood, her lifestyle, and her family. Most will go to their grave refusing to believe they live by fear, but it's a normal human reaction to fear and the unknown. Many will say it's not a financial or reputation thing, but often, it's exactly that, and it's difficult to grasp. Money and its availability, means we will be able to live life in a way that we have become accustomed to, and our reputation and how others view us, governs how we base our decisions.

What do you think it is that's stopping you from leaving a human-shaped hole in the wall?

Actually, not in my case at all. I am the sole bread winner in the family; I'd be better off financially if we were separate. My daily life with him would not be significantly different without him, with the exception of not having his parents in my life. However, if we were apart, a dozen other lives would be in regular upheaval. Sometimes it's not fear, it's just practicality over emotion.

I've been working a lot on the "why" of what I DO, vs. the why of what he does. I know why he does what he does - he feels entitled, it's easy, he wants to, his motivations are almost more clear than mine are. I am stuck between staying and going, I think more and more, two things: fear and jeolousy. Fear that I will be alone forever and the devil I know is better than the devil I don't, and jealousy that if I leave him now the OW will "win" and will prove the A was not some sex fueled escapism but true love. I know this is psychologically crazy town, but my T and I have been working on it and I truly believe it is those two motivators keeping me stuck. Now a healthy person would say 1) you won't be alone forever, that's infantile thinking - he cheated - he's a rat that doesn't deserve to lick my feet and 2) what kind of "prize" is the OW winning and if I allow her to remain because I choose to leave (he is making it clear I am who he wants but I know he will be with her if I choose to leave). I am working hard to untangle those two issues for myself. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have come to accept that I keep doing what I do much in the same way he keeps doing what he does - we are both hard wired this way. Why I keep expecting him to change when I can't change is madness on my part. I truly want to hear why others here do the same, each person's answer gives me insight into my own head and every bit helps. If I stay or go remains to be seen but I'm trying to focus now on why I am staying VS. why he cheated.

You've mentioned three times in the post: 'why he is doing what he is doing', 'why you can expect him to change', and 'the OW will win'.

I assume you have now found out he is still cheating?

*'can't expect him to change'

And just FYI, I completely disagree with JUSTugh. Indirectly she is teaching her children and her grandchildren that's it's 'ok' to allow yourself to be cheated on and lied to and degraded. And years from now in therapy they (like I did) will be told: you learned it was ok to cheat on your spouse, that in relationship it's acceptable behavior to cheat...... That daddy always cheated on mommy and she stayed and nothing bad came from it, that you should allow someone who treats you poorly stay in your life.

That is the example being set.

No, sorry, that's not what I meant. By all accounts he is NOT still cheating (and believe me I have checked every possible angle). What I meant was "why/how he could cheat". While I think he and her are done I still seem to be stuck on certain aspects of HER. My commentary was about instead of trying to untangle his pathology, I'm working on understanding my own. I hope I'm making sense.

P.S. Oh and I wanted to add too that I was the financial bread winner as well, so my motivations are not financially motivated at all, I have plenty of money and am actually better off financially without him.

I think its a hard decision Sarah.....you divorced this man, for very valid reasons, and for the last year you have been living apart.
I think that not only, clearly you still love him deeply and that is why you are considering all this.
But I think that for it to work, your second attempt at a relationship has to be just that.....a new attempt.
Cheaters CAN change. I did. I learned so much about what made me cheat (one being above, I lived with a cheater and a woman that tolerated it, please know financially in my case my mother had to tolerate it, but I came to disrespect that piece of her for it, not tote her as a hero or a martyr). I also know what led to the perfect storm for me to cheat.
Am I at risk to cheat again? Absolutely. Do I think about it? Absolutely.

BUT.....I know I have made a choice. I have learned that its not worth it, I have learned that the risk does not in anyway come close to the reward, I have learned tools to prevent me from going back to that life, I have improved communication with my H in such a way that I feel perfectly comfortable saying, "This is occuring.....and its making me feel like this......" and knowing he will respond to that. Please know this has been years in the making with a lot of therapy.

I think if your husband can do some of those examples, you have a chance to start anew. No, it 'won't be the same'....but again, Sarah, why on earth would you want it to be the same?
Do I feel completely secure in my marriage? I'm not saying I'm not secure, but I'm mindful. I have awareness. I've learned that if I can cheat ANYONE can, even you, even JustUgh.......anyone and that includes my husband so I am mindful of keeping openness, communication, and my tools available to me.
We are vulnerable people. We are all fallible. Every single one of us. Marriage is work.

But there has to come a time where we say: This happened, I won't forget, but I will forgive as best I can, I will let go of the anger, I will try my best to trust. He/She has done this and this to prove we will move on and we will move forward from this episode in our lives.

Don't take this man back because 'the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know', take him back because he has developed clear guidelines and tools to help him move forward, resist temptation and you have both made a choice to make a new life together and your love will overcome this bump in your life together.

I'm walking a really fine line between being optimistic and not being a chump (again). Waiting to see if/when serial cheater H really "gets it" (or not) and more actual progress (or not). If I'm not feeling he's getting it and making authentic progress by another 3 months or so then he will have forced my hand and I'll file for divorce. I'm willing to wait and see, but not forever. You'd think a smart person who really loves their spouse wouldn't waste the opportunity of rebuilding the marriage. Sheesh...

Because I was the cheater, it is easy for me to say infidelity is not a dealbreaker for me in a long-term relationship that has many other positive things going for it. That said, I do value honesty and authenticity, and I do think people evolve and deal with their problems in healthier ways moving forward. I want to believe my husband and I are learning to talk about temptations and potential issues openly instead of pretending fidelity is always easy and natural and we are no longer at risk.

Perhaps you are a hopeful and forgiving person. Perhaps there are things about the relationship that make it worthwhile. Perhaps you see real changes.

In my situation I made it a point to take myself out of the whole scenario. When I chose to look at the affair for what it was I realized that I really didn't factor into the picture.
So then, why not?
My husband has always been great, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, so this is a symptom of something. I supported his change, gave him hope, and didn't play the victim.

Also, I think this is key, the expectation of a perfect marriage is unrealistic. Not that its ok but men have felt the right to cheat since the dawn of man. Maybe its a human condition as a whole, it has certainly led to many societal changes, Henry VIII. We are more enlightened but we have lost a great deal of decency in our culture. Feminism is great but do not assume that everything is about you and that you deserve a partner that only lives to make you happy.

Be realistic about what life is. We all have our demons. Blame the demons, dig them out, and wring their necks.

The memory never goes away but the anger should.

For me, I stayed initially because I did love her. Not just a romantic love, but an unconditional love. That didn't mean I would have stayed if she didn't change and heal from her insanity, but whatever happened, I cared deeply for her. Because I loved her, if she didn't change, I would have left her rather than to have enabled destructive behavior of which I'd be guilty of causing her damage in that case.

That, and we had 29 years of marriage invested in this relationship and a decently good marriage up to that point. That's not something you throw away easily without a fight. Thankfully she did change, and now 5 years later, we still have a wonderful relationship and I don't live in constant fear of it happening again or think about it much any more. Just when I'm on here.

Thanks Cole50, it's nice to hear it does sometimes work out and that the fear fades with enough time and earned trust.

There is a few things that keep us hanging on and I believe one of them is ego. Nothing crushes our ego more thinking that we were everything to someone but we really were not. That he or she chose something different. We begin to question our looks, our personalities, how we compare to that new person in bed. Its the most hurtful thing we can experience. The deception is mind and heart crushing.