Through my experience as a BS, i have learned that Forgiveness isnt about the person you are forgiving. It's a gift you give to yourself. When you are ready to forgive, it will set YOU free.

sorry, itsjustme, I don't agree. I do think forgiveness is a gift. I do not think my cheating H deserves to be forgiven. It won't set me free at all.
I am already free - with a clear conscience knowing I've done nothing wrong, knowing I have worked hard to keep my marriage and family together.

I feel my H got off pretty easy. I kept his dirty secret. We are still together. His bitch still works down the hall from him.

Now, if he would actually do what I've asked - fire her, or he can find a new job, well then, maybe. But as it stands now, nope.

Pagliaroj, we are all working on trust. Good behavior and time both help. As well as seeing that your CS feels remorse and apologizes.
And makes substantial changes in her life!!

There are so many facets to all of this. And yes, it can happen again.
So have a plan in case it does.

Pag, your no where near forgiving her yet, and this is OK.

Your decision now is a second chance or not. Are you willing to give her a second chance? Was her behavior a deal breaker for you or not?

You have to go through anger, depression and acceptance before you can come to a place of forgiveness.

Simply taking someone back in, staying married, etc looks externally like forgiveness, but Its Just me is right, its not. Forgiveness is a place you reach internally and for you.

See, you can totally 100% never trust again and see your wife has changed and has become an immature unreliable person, and still forgive her. Or, she can be a saint for the rest of her life and you may not forgive her. That's up to you, not what she does.

Daledge, whether your husband fires her for finds a new job has to do with his worthiness of your being in an ongoing relationship with him, not your forgiving him. He is not doing everything he can to prove he is worth your hard work in keeping your family together and your mad as hell about it. That is what I take from your response.

I agree that forgiveness is for us b/c if we dont' forgive the bitterness eats us alive - but I also think that forgiving someone doesn't mean we have to stay with them. In my opinion - the work that has to be put into rebuilding a relationship after an affair - the paranoia that the BS can't shake off - it's not a peaceful way to live - I value peace more than I do a cheating mate who didn't put the relationship first before he cheated - so why should I put the relationship over my peace?
And to me love also isn't enough of a reason to stay - I also learned that loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them.

So I can forgive the person and love the person - but for my own peace - I rather walk away.

I don't think I came across the way I meant to. When I said what is the point I was referring to the fact that forgiveness can only be achieved by the CS showing you they are willing to do whatever it takes to grow your marriage from their mistakes. But how can they do that without you telling them what it is going to take, when in reality the CS is really just trying to get things back to normal so they don't feel guilty anymore? And if you do have to tell them what it takes in ends up not being worth anything in the long run. Maybe that is specific to my situation and no one else is seeing it that way though?

#5 - I see what you are saying - you want her to earn your forgiveness w/her actions - I think Cole can come to your rescue - he will shortly - LOL. He has tons of articles and good info for ppl in your situation as he himself overcame the cheating of his wife and they seem to be doing well.


Sorry for your situation - Good luck to you :)

You do have to speak up and tell the CS exactly what you need. They don't know. They are so self-consumed.

As to whether or not it's worth it - you decide. That's your choice.



as a side note to goingtobeok, I'm not mad so much as it's been so easy for the cheaters. They caused so much pain yet it seems from my perspective that they have not paid the price for their bad decisions.

You said:

When I said what is the point I was referring to the fact that forgiveness can only be achieved by the CS showing you they are willing to do whatever it takes to grow your marriage from their mistakes. B

My response -- the word "forgiveness" in your sentence, in my opinion, is incorrect. You should replace it with the words "repairing the marriage" or "rebuilding the marriage".

Forgiveness can happen whether they show you they want to repair the marriage or not.

You also said "And if you do have to tell them what it takes in ends up not being worth anything in the long run."

My response -- No, that is not specific to you. We all want them to wake up and realize what they are doing and fix it on their own, without us laying down the law or telling them what to do. Then, to us it would seem more genuine and more authentic. However, many of us, especially is males, fall into this trap of not communicating our needs and what we want, hoping they will read our cues of just know and go above and beyond. Unfortunately, all of us, to keep our marriages strong, do have to communicate and ask for things.

Telling her what you need does not diminish it. However, if it is hard, ask her to read the book called How to help you heal from your affair, so that it can come out cleaner, if your not used to asking for what you need from her.

Sorry, I projected some anger of my own into that "bitch down the hall" comment :)

Forgiveness is totally about you, not her. Forgiveness, makes you lighter, more open, a better you.

Forgiveness is NOT acceptance. You can forgive and let go...I have too. My husband cheated twice that I know of. After 15 years of marriage....

I am much happier haven forgiven him. I wish him happiness and honesty....but it was NO longer going to be with me. Before I truly forgave him the pain was unbearable.

"But I understand why some people are willing to forgive because ultimately that is a very honorable thing to do. My question is what is the point? Does anyone ever walk away thinking this will never ever happen again?"

What forgiveness means: You will not punish her for what she did.

What forgiveness does not mean: I will act as if it never happened. The slate is wiped clean. You'll suffer no consequences. I'll stay with you no matter what.

Do I think it will never happen again? Sure it might. I don't think the risk is high, but it is much higher than I used to think. That would be true with my CS wife, or if I divorced her, whoever I might end up hooking up with down the road. We should expect fidelity, protect our boundaries as if it was one step away and we'll get sucked into it.

Articles, sure, I've got them:

Healing Infidelity Through Forgiveness
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4055904

Also, what goingtobeok said is on the money.

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. You don't want to be carrying around a bunch of anger and resentment. Forgiving her and trusting her are not one in the same. So yes, do forgive her and no, don't trust her if your instincts are telling you that she isn't trustworthy.

Forgiveness comes from the heart , the heart filled with love , i have forgave the Wife her 1st affair 19 yrs ago !! because out of LOVE !
now here we are 19 years Later the exact same month's of this 3 mnth emotional affair !! > co-worker>
and as you ALL know from my previous posting's? I am having hard time FORGIVING ..so that i can move on ! However? it takes two to do so Not just one for the past 3 months its been me trying to move on, i get 3 steps ahead and 2 back

It all depends on how you define forgiveness. Often times people see forgiveness as sort of "ok, you messed up I forgive, all is good". And then take their rights away for feeling and expressing hurt and pain. That's not how I define it.

Have you ever watched shows that have guests on where they have forgiven the person who murdered their loved one? They talk about the sense of peice they have after forgiving. They feel a burden is lifted. The prisoner remains in prison and the family still aches for their loved one. What has changed for the family is the bitterness hatred, anger and disdain.

Now of course the murderer gets some benefits as well. It eases their pain and guilt and frees their soul. That's not a reward for them it's just the positive side effect that happens when we hae been forgiven for our wrong doings.

I never really understood those circumstances or exactly how or why you forgive your child's murderer. After a year of trying to rebuild my marriage and continuously finding myself backsliding emotionaly I knew something had to give.

I knew that no matter what happened the one thing I needed was to forgive my H. I knew that if we were to stay together or split up, I was not whole with all of the hatred and bitterness in my heart. I began an active and deliberate journey towards forgiveness.

1. I learned to seperate the man from his actions
2. Seperate the past from the present
3. Accept the forgiveness was for my peace
4. Forgiveness did not mean his actions were ok
5.forgiveness do not mean the pain was gone just the bitterness
6. I would still express my sadness and could still discuss the A if I needed but it would be a respectful mature discussion.
7. I prayed, listened to klove Christian radio and spent a lot of time reconnecting with God

When someone cheating on you...me....it feels like someone molested your soul. Wonder how many mother would for give a molester who molested their child even if it was the priest. And wonder how many people would for give the priest if he slept with your wife? Nonetheless he is God holly servant. Wonder Tammy Baker ever for give to that rat? For give...so relieve the pressure from someone from their sin. And the big problem is most cheater cheats again. How many for giving is adicate? 3rd time is a charm?
After the forgiving everything is shoved under the carpet, and no way you can get ready or " protect" yourself from the next round. It comes like a locomotive from a dark tunnel. Arrives and hits you with no warning.Cheaters always wear mask. So i guess most time for giving happens for a reason or two!!!

Holding families together, as people afraid to divorce. Hold on to comfortable life styles. And see no way out of the situation , like spouses, stay home moms, wifes...when only one side provide. Most people who has a job, and financials of their own wont put up with that shit. it is degrading, questionable, and constantly have the ax over your head. To for give for any other reason beside true LOVE is not for giving rather compromising with yourself, and your feelings!And if you LOVE yourself no way to compromise your feelings to forgive, unless you forced to, for other specific reasons. Why are you so desperate to hang on to someone who just fooled you, disrespected you, and absolutely didn't care what happens to you, to your feeling when he was committing the act. And then the "sorry honey never again, i made a huge mistake" story born. Oh sure you did. Think!