People can hold on to things for a lifetime, and time alone doesn't heal all wounds. If things were not worked on properly back then it's likely to still have an effect today. However, there's never an excuse for an affair. There are other ways to deal with problems.

It'd be concerned if he's truely not remorseful. But, its positive that he cut it off before you found out.

What was his reason for ending it, and did he tell you or did you find out?

Thanks for the reply, bullit. I'm not really sure as to why he ended the relationship with her. He says it's because he realized that he loved me, and didn't want to lose his family. But at this point, it's hard to trust him.
Still, he acts smug about the whole situation, like 'ha! ha! I got you back!' And still says that he sees nothing wrong with what he did. For years, I have tried to show him and tell him how remorseful I was for leaving him those years ago. I just wish I knew how we could move past all of this.

Wow, that is kind of twisted to throw 10 year old baggage up in your face like that. To act all smug and unremorseful.

It's like he is all proud of hurting you.

(Is he my EX?)

Can you really fix this when he is acting like this? Is that possible?

Not in my book.

Sending some support, L~

I'm not really sure this is fixable. I think he's being irrational and abusive. Why deal with it?

This is kind of how my H is acting right now. He has been a serial cheater for 8 years, but this last time he left me. He said not for the other woman but he was always remorseful and wanting to work it out with the others. This time he isn't rubbing it in my face, he says that I have always been the best thing in his life, he said sorry. Of course I blasted back at him "no your not or you wouldn't have done it!"
But the remorse isn't there this time. After doing it so many times I guess he isn't as ashamed, and I am not so surprised. But I know how you feel. YOu want him to be at your side to console you b\c he inflicted the pain. He is probably just guilt ridden and instead of dealing with his tru emotions he is throwing up something that hurt him in the past to curtail what he did. If you are going to work it out, tell him that isn't a reason, and you won't accept that.

Him justifying the affair won't work. For you or him.

Will he go to marriage cousneling? It may or may not help. If he won't open up to you and be truthful with you or himself it may not work. People have to want help to get it. I was always the one who wanted help for our marriage, I think he just went to appease me and shut me up. I don't think he ever put his heart into saving the marriage b\c then he couldn't do what he wanted to do on the side. Mine was very selfish and the sad part is I don't think he even realized it. Sad huh.

Best of luck to you, support and hugs for you sweetie.

That's Page 1 of the cheater's handbook: "Find something that your spouse did that was wrong, no matter how long ago or reason for doing it, and throw it back in their faces".

You should hear the stuff my wife used to justify her affair(s). It was pretty weak sauce.

The only advice I can give you is that it while it takes two people to get married, it takes only one person to tear down a marriage. Sounds to me like your husband is trying to do just that.

Take care and good luck!

(((((((Hugs to you))))))
I agree with everyone here. Mine was unremorseful as well...and like journey, we did the counseling thing. (One time!) He ended up leaving for the OW. Marriage takes TWO people, simply cannot work if only one is putting in the effort AND if there is a third person! Are you confident the OW is out of his life?

I just discovered my H's affair two days before you, so I hardly think I'm in any position to give much advice, but I will say that I had a few people suggest to me to read NOT "JUST FRIENDS" and it has really shed some light on this whole ordeal...for myself and my H.

My H seems completely remorseful, but he does say he was basically trying to fill a void. All in one sentence he will say, "Well I didn't feel like I could get A,B, and C from you, so I got it from someone else....but it's not your fault." What the hell is that??? What I am hearing is, "It's all your fault."

Heartbroken, I don't mean to jack your thread, but can anyone explain this to me??

Sounds like your H is simply trying to shift the blame, which to me, isn't a good sign.

Have you tried counseling yet?

Hi all! Thank you for the overwhelming response. We are starting counseling tomorrow, which is a good sign. He has never willingly gone before (and by that, I mean, he has never gone, always refused) but this time, he is going willingly. That makes me think that deep down he knows what he did was wrong, that he just hasn't been able to fess up to it yet. I am hoping that throught counseling he will realize that there is simply no reason for cheating, that if he wanted to destruct the relationship, there are certainly better ways to do it.
As far as the OW, I actually spoke with her this weekend, and based on our conversation, I am assured that the relationship is over. She sent me a message today informing me that he broke it off with her, saying that he didn't want to hurt me any further. So there are some good signs beneath the surface.
Thank you all for the helpful advice.

(don't feel bad, Jenn, thread jacking does happen here all the time...we roll with it)

Your H is still not taking that full responsibility for his part in all of this. Mine did the same...

'Well, you didn't do this for me and this for me and give me this...so I turned to SPAM. It happened.'

My response? 'So this is my fault, because I was doing your laundry and taking care of your kids and your life? Get real. Not taking the blame for this one, clown. The only way I would do that was if I was there and pulled your damned pants down for HER. GET REAL.'

Sure your H is remorseful and feels bad, but damn, he is still blaming you. Ask him why he didn't tell YOU there were problems? He should have come to you instead of going elsewhere - and that is the bottom line, sunshine.

(Sorry for this highjacking...)

L~

L- That's part of the problem though! Things WERE bad in our marriage, we both knew they were, I had needs that weren't being met either, but he always refused to go to counseling!! WTF?

He swears he knows that it wasn't my fault, but I don't know if I'm buying that. I'm afraid that he may have had a harsh dose of reality and realized what the hell he was about to lose (YEAH, EVERYTHING...he even works for my parents) and might just be talkin the talk, and walkin the walk. Afterall, he has proven himself to be a damn master of deception. UGHH!!

I know, I know. PATIENCE

Jenn...that's right...you knew what I was going to say...Patience.

The problems were there. You both saw them and what? You tried to head this off and he didn't want to go and now what? If you have decided to reconcile, then reconcile. Stop taking the blame and stop blaming him. It takes both of you to make this work at this time.

Maybe try to let go of some of this anger. Maybe see that he could have walked away from your marriage. He decided to stay and face your pain and your anger. He stayed. This bimbo? A glitch on the screen. You? He wants you and is riding all of this out to be with you.

I don't think any man stays if he doesn't really want to. Deep down. It has nothing to do with stuff or position. He stays where he wants to stay. Lord knows we have sees many men walk out the door without thinking twice, haven't we? Your guy is hanging in there with you and trying. He may have screwed up royally, but he is facing that music, isn't he?

Go give him a hug or something. He may deserve that much.

Sending you one huge hug...L~

I love you, L! I really am trying to let go, I swear. I'm going back and forth from one day feeling totally committed to making it work, to the next, feeling like a fool for allowing him to hurt and deceive me. I just wish he didn't have that inner-self that felt the need to step outside before deciding it was me he wanted. Shouldn't he have been certain of that before putting a ring on my finger and building a life with me?? I know and accept that marriage has its ups and downs. I thought he felt the same way, as opposed to the "when the going gets tough, the tough gets going" attitude.

I just can't help but wonder who the hell he is! Does he have unresolved issues from his childhood? Or deep-rooted self esteem issues? Something just doesn't make sense. Can it really be so simple...that he wasn't getting enough sex or affection?? My God, he is like a 17 year old boy that thinks he can turn me on by constant groping and asking for sex. But then when I ask him to be a dad, or share in other responsibilities, I'm a nagging bitch. He's only ever thought about himself, and patience is something I can do, but how long do you have to wait for someone to completely CHANGE who they are?

I'm just venting...I've already written five pages in my journal. It's just one of those days!

(Sorry all...we are still highjacking this thread!)

Jenn, big hug to you too!

Grab some coffee for this post, would you?

I hear you on all of this. Really. Your conflicted feelings and anger and resentment. I was there. I am going to try to give you the best advice I can. (I even put some extra thought into this during half time of the Packer game last night...)

Here goes...this is my position and I may get so very blasted here but this is what I believe...

If you are dead set on ending the marriage, hypothetically, after finding out about an affair, I back you in 'Hey, don't touch me, don't look at me, don't even pet my damned dog...just leave me ALONE. This is done withyou and I...' All points are clear and all the issues are on the table. THere is no confusion as to the outcome - there was a betrayal and the marriage is irretrevably broken. Done.

But if we find out about this, still hypothetical, and agree to work it out, find out those issues, agree that you still love your spouse enough to try to get past it, BOTH parties have to work to get past it. One can't keep holding on to it forever.

Sure, you are angry as hell. Don't blame you and I remember being THAT mad. I felt like my entire life had been assaulted and 'WHO THE FUCK DID HE THINK HE WAS TO DO THAT???" We tried to reconcile. I had to put that anger away, put it aside, and put my marriage first. Put my marriage and US ahead of myself and my anger. Make my marriage the top priority and not myself.

Am I making sense?

Jenn, it was after a few months, of taking this approach, that I found out that the OW, our lovely SPAM, was still lurking around the scenes. At that point, I knew I could do nothing more. I had done it all. I walked away again.

If we expect total tranparancy from those cheaters, and we expect them to crack down all the walls that led to the affair, I think we should expect the same of ourselves. We can't heal a marriage if we decide to keep the wound festering...we have to make the choice to LET it heal...or to NOT let it heal...

Man, I am going to get blasted here. But I do believe, there comes a time, when reconciling, that we had to make that choice by shear force of will...and trust again...and be close again...and be affectionate again...

All people show their love different ways. My man fixed my car, gets me coffee, is always touching me...(this is not my EX but the new guy and I just adore him) but my EX only could show his love for me in bed, physically, during sex. It was just his way. Maybe yours is the same.

Any opinions are so welcome...Just some food for thought...

Man...L~

L~ You do make some sense to me. You know, I'll have a day or two when I'm feeling very positive and pretty happy (which is of course how he wants to see me right now), but then I will look at him and how "normal" he seems and think to myself:

"That bastard. Look at him, I bet he is so happy he got away with shit!"

Now, being honest here--I will absolutely have the desire to see him squirm. But in discussing this with you, I am realizing that I am inflicting suffering upon myself as well. Most of the time I am putting one foot in front of the other and making great positive strides...

But there are times that I am unintentionally ripping scabs off those healing wounds. I honestly don't mean to, and I do want to give him a fair shot.

Last night he told me that his affair with her was a band-aid....basically to fix an issue he was having at home. My reply to him was, "Funny how all it was to you was a band aid, but to me it is a wrecking ball."

I have increasing become aware that we do not share the same morals and values as I had previously thought we did. He doesn't even believe in marriage anymore. He only "knows he wants to be with me" and no longer believes that a ring or marriage is important. This is a major issue right now, because I have refused to ever wear my old wedding ring again, and he could care less if I wear a ring at all. Not how I dreamed my life would be with my husband. He says he doesn't ever want me to feel that I have to stay with him simply because I have a ring on my finger, or because of a promise. He wants me to be able to walk away if I am unhappy. But hello??? That is not what I want! It sounds to me that HE is the one who wants to be able to walk away.

I am very torn right now. But I am doing my best and will continue to do so. I'm giving this a good 3-6 months before I make a concrete decision.

I always welcome others' insight and advice...it helps me to see things in different perspectives, and also helps to know that some can relate!

L~I appreciate you putting so much thought and time into helping me sort this out! You rock!!